Did we not just tell Rudy Giuliani to STOP TALKING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? We did.

And did he take our advice?

Right. By now, we all know the drill. No more foreplay, it's time for your Top 5 Times Rudy Was Batguano Insane Since Yesterday.

1. Own the Libs by Confessing to Crimes!

Well, this is a new one.

Remember that time Rudy went on Sean Hannity's Rants With Friends program and confessed that Trump had paid Michael Cohen back for the Stormy Daniels settlement? See, he was just "getting out ahead of it," by admitting something his client had repeatedly denied.

If we had a nickel for every time we saw a lawyer confess to campaign finance violations and filing false financial statements on their client's behalf, boy ... WE'D HAVE ZERO NICKELS. We have literally no idea what he means by "take the hit," but we're starting to think it's long past time for him to puff, puff pass already.

2. Rudy Thinks He's Cornered Robert Mueller? LOL, Sure You Did!

WaPo wrote a very serious article about Rudy Giuliani's negotiation with Robert Mueller where the two agreed that the Special Counsel could not possibly prosecute the president because LAW and JUSTICE DEPARTMENT POLICY.

But Robert Costa tweeted out a partial transcript of the meeting, and it's kind of ... not so serious.

Oh, so Robert Mueller was playing coy. But his eyes said, "YES, YES, YES, I will not be bringing charges against your client." And then "one of his top people" called back and said it. What's the guy's name? Gosh, Rudy's going to have to get back to you on that one!

3. CNN Gets Its Hannity On!

On the level, Wonkers, CNN printed the Trump team's new legal theory last night, and this shit is so stupid it just broke our brain. Okay, here goes --

  1. It is illegal to indict a sitting president. (Maybe).
  2. Prosecutors can only subpoena testimony for a crime that can be charged. (No.)
  3. So it is illegal for Robert Mueller to subpoena Trump to testify. (Please shut up now!)
  4. Also, too, testimony can only be subpoenaed if there is no other way to get the information, and the Trump team already submitted DOCUMENTS. (FML!)

Hey, remember that time when Independent Counsel Ken Starr subpoenaed President Clinton? And wrote that memo insisting that a sitting president could be indicted? Karma's a bitch, dude!

Oh, but wait!

Well, if noted legal scholar Sean Hannity says it, it must be true!

4. And speaking of Rupert Murdoch's Intellectual Whorehouse ...

Rudy was bringing the crazy on Laura Ingraham last night.

Yes, it is totally fine and normal to solicit opposition research from a foreign power. Nothing illegal here. Well, besides violations of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002's prohibition on receiving anything of value from a foreign person or government. But, please, admit to some more crimes on teevee, Mr. Guiliani!


5. Rudy's Gonna Rip Up Robert Mueller! Yeah, For Sure!

Rudy Giuliani, a guy who hasn't practiced law in 30 years because shilling for dictators is way more lucrative, is going to rip apart Bob Mueller, the former head of the FBI, if he doesn't like his findings.

Sounds legit!

We are told that there was even more crazy on Fox and Farblunget this morning, but we have reached our limit! Feel free to watch it your own self if you are outta your damn mind.

Bring It On Home For Us, Chris Cillizza!

And what if it isn't actually God talking to us through our fillings! WHOA IF TRUE.

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Please click here to buy us a bottle of Alleve -- we just watched Fox FOR YOU!

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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