The Top Five Times Rudy Giuliani Was A Batshit Lunatic Since ... Oh, Since Last Night
Did we not just tell Rudy Giuliani to STOP TALKING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? We did.
And did he take our advice?
Right. By now, we all know the drill. No more foreplay, it's time for your Top 5 Times Rudy Was Batguano Insane Since Yesterday.
1. Own the Libs by Confessing to Crimes!
Well, this is a new one.
Source tells @FoxNews that Rudy Giuliani revealed the reimbursement to Cohen because he was aware it would be reported in the financial disclosure. Getting out ahead of it meant that Giuliani would take the hit - not @realDonaldTrump
— John Roberts (@johnrobertsFox) May 16, 2018
Remember that time Rudy went on Sean Hannity's Rants With Friends program and confessed that Trump had paid Michael Cohen back for the Stormy Daniels settlement? See, he was just "getting out ahead of it," by admitting something his client had repeatedly denied.
If we had a nickel for every time we saw a lawyer confess to campaign finance violations and filing false financial statements on their client's behalf, boy ... WE'D HAVE ZERO NICKELS. We have literally no idea what he means by "take the hit," but we're starting to think it's long past time for him to puff, puff pass already.
2. Rudy Thinks He's Cornered Robert Mueller? LOL, Sure You Did!
WaPo wrote a very serious article about Rudy Giuliani's negotiation with Robert Mueller where the two agreed that the Special Counsel could not possibly prosecute the president because LAW and JUSTICE DEPARTMENT POLICY.
But Robert Costa tweeted out a partial transcript of the meeting, and it's kind of ... not so serious.
Oh, so Robert Mueller was playing coy. But his eyes said, "YES, YES, YES, I will not be bringing charges against your client." And then "one of his top people" called back and said it. What's the guy's name? Gosh, Rudy's going to have to get back to you on that one!
When Post asked Giuliani for name of SC person who gave verbal assurance of no charge, he replied,
“I’ll check with Jay and let you know tomorrow. Jay got a call and they said we acknowledge that we are bound by Justice Department policy.”
— Robert Costa (@costareports) May 16, 2018
3. CNN Gets Its Hannity On!
On the level, Wonkers, CNN printed the Trump team's new legal theory last night, and this shit is so stupid it just broke our brain. Okay, here goes --
- It is illegal to indict a sitting president. (Maybe).
- Prosecutors can only subpoena testimony for a crime that can be charged. (No.)
- So it is illegal for Robert Mueller to subpoena Trump to testify. (Please shut up now!)
- Also, too, testimony can only be subpoenaed if there is no other way to get the information, and the Trump team already submitted DOCUMENTS. (FML!)
Oh, but wait!
.@seanhannity: "Mueller has zero evidence of collusion, has only been focused on the so called 'thought crimes' of the president, and it's not a crime to have thoughts." #Hannity pic.twitter.com/Cg8ClW1S5Y
— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 17, 2018
Well, if noted legal scholar Sean Hannity says it, it must be true!
4. And speaking of Rupert Murdoch's Intellectual Whorehouse ...
Rudy was bringing the crazy on Laura Ingraham last night.
Giuliani thinks this refutes Trump-Russia collusion: "There's nothing illegal about [getting dirt]. Even if it comes from a Russian or German, it doesn't matter. They never used it. That's the main thing. They rejected it. If there was collusion they would've used it. #wikileaks pic.twitter.com/fyLUCYGRe1
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 17, 2018
Yes, it is totally fine and normal to solicit opposition research from a foreign power. Nothing illegal here. Well, besides violations of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002's prohibition on receiving anything of value from a foreign person or government. But, please, admit to some more crimes on teevee, Mr. Guiliani!
Also, NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION! DON JR. WAS TOO GODDAMN STUPID TO SEE THE COLLUSION WHEN IT PARKED ITSELF IN HIS DAMN OFFICE AND ASKED FOR SANCTIONS RELIEF.
5. Rudy's Gonna Rip Up Robert Mueller! Yeah, For Sure!
Rudy Giuliani, a guy who hasn't practiced law in 30 years because shilling for dictators is way more lucrative, is going to rip apart Bob Mueller, the former head of the FBI, if he doesn't like his findings.
GIULIANI closes by urging Mueller to end his probe "today."
"They have the facts on which they can write their report. If it's a fair report, fine. If you write an unfair report, we'll combat it. We are ready to rip it apart & rip them apart if that's what they want." pic.twitter.com/nYR1CES9lR
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 17, 2018
We are told that there was even more crazy on Fox and Farblunget this morning, but we have reached our limit! Feel free to watch it your own self if you are outta your damn mind.
Bring It On Home For Us, Chris Cillizza!
— Chris Cillizza (@CillizzaCNN) May 16, 2018
And what if it isn't actually God talking to us through our fillings! WHOA IF TRUE.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.