The Top Three REAL Reasons Trump Bombed That Iranian General, Plus One We Made Up (ALLEGEDLY)
Good Christ, we go on one measly vacation to get away from the shitshow for a minute and President Impeachy-Pants starts a war to distract everybody from the steaming load of impeach in his pants. So that's on brand.
Of course, the story we're supposed to swallow on this -- and that literally nobody besides the world's most Trump-aligned idiots is swallowing -- is that Donald Trump simply had to do this to save us and our allies from an "imminent attack" committed by the Iranians. Yeah, you betcha. There is already reporting out there saying said intelligence was "thin" and "LAH-DEE-DAH SAME OLD SAME OLD" (not a real quote from a US military official), because if you really believe Donald Trump pulled the trigger on this for real American national security reasons, we have a bridge to sell you.
The New York Timesreports that the Pentagon gave Trump a whole laundry list of options for how to respond to Iran's bad behavior in Iraq of late, one of which was killing Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani, which was sort of intended to be the OMG CRAZY option, in order to help Trump decide on one of the more normal options. Of course, this is the world's stupidest president, and so he took the world's stupidest option. If they had put "have sex with Jacob Wohl in the middle of Fifth Avenue" as an example of a crazy and stupid way to respond to Iran, Trump would have picked that, because of how stupid it would be.
The Times says the Pentagon "didn't think he'd take it" and that top brass at the Pentagon were "stunned" and "flabbergasted." The Times adds, "In the wars waged since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, Pentagon officials have often offered improbable options to presidents to make other possibilities appear more palatable." The Pentagon must be new at this.
So, if we're going to make the sensible assumption -- that all the lies coming from the White House and especially Mike Pompeo's State Department are big damn lies, that there is no good possible reason Trump did this, and that he did it only for self-serving reasons -- then what is it?
What made Donald Trump pick the world's stupidest possible option, threatening to set off an unwinnable war we could be mired in for years?
What About ... OBAMA NETFLIX?
Well, what about it, indeed! (We watched American Factory, the first film from the Obamas' new production company, last night on Netflix. Recommend!)
You are not surprised to find out that Donald Trump's insecurities about Barack Obama having a bigger dick seem to have played into this. The Washington Postreported this weekend:
The president has long fixated on 2012 attacks on U.S. compounds in Benghazi, Libya, and the Obama administration's response to them, said lawmakers and aides who have spoken to him, and he felt the response to this week's attack on the embassy and the killing of an American contractor would make him look stronger compared with his predecessor.
"Benghazi has loomed large in his mind," said Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) in an interview, explaining the response this week.
Of course. BENGHAZIIIIII!1!1!!!!!!
Trump was also motivated to act by what he felt was negative coverage after his 2019 decision to call off the airstrike after Iran downed the U.S. surveillance drone, officials said. Trump was also frustrated that the details of his internal deliberations had leaked out and felt he looked weak, the officials said.
What a very big shock.
And Trump has been trying to kill bin Laden ever since he became president, but alas, he didn't do that. Trump was sitting in the audience while Obama killed bin Ladenwhile also making fun of Donald Trump at the same time.
What About That Thing Where Trump's Been Impeached And You Can't Possibly Put A President On Trial In The Senate Midstream, Or However The Saying Goes, Anyway Let's Do War To Iran And Distract Everybody, OK?
It has been suggested! And yes, obviously Trump many times during his presidency has tried to manufacture new crises in order to distract from other crises he's manufactured that aren't going particularly well. Obviously.
This tweet from Times reporter Rukmini Callimachi sums it up succinctly:
17. Before I go back to the pool let me just say the obvious: No one’s trying to downplay Suleimani’s crimes. The q… https://t.co/qhVWIAWyr6— Rukmini Callimachi (@Rukmini Callimachi) 1578140711.0
So when Mitch McConnell says something about how he can't put Trump on trial right now because of the crisis of this (Trump-created) war with Iran, be sure to wear your surprise face.
What About ... Oh No, Did Gen. Soleimani Make Fun Of Trump On The Internet?
What About ... HE WENT TO JARED?
OK, we are just wildly speculating right now, because we have seen zero reporting that says Jared Kushner whispered in Trump's ear and told him that, according to his expertise as the official Trump administration Middle East Solver Spaceman Fairy Princess Cowboy Son-In-Law, if Trump did this, he would be greeted as a liberator and it would make his peener look bigger than Obama's and also (implied) Jared's best pal the Saudi crown prince who hates Iran also (shhhhhh) thinks maybe this would be cool and also maybe some of the nuttier squirrel turds in Netanyahu's government (inside voices please!) agree. Again, the news has not said that.
But it is a truism of the Trump era that if Donald Trump does something extremely stupid that's supposed to bolster his image in the press and in front of the American people, who can see that the emperor has no clothes, it tends to have Jared's paw prints all over it. Jared is, after all, the Middle East Solver Spaceman Fairy Princess Cowboy Son-In-Law.
So if that news is printed in the newspaper, you heard it wildly speculated here first.
None Of These Are Good Reasons.
Did you expect a good reason from Donald Trump? You, like the Pentagon, must be new here. Assassinating the second most powerful man in the Iranian government is a bridge neither the Bush nor the Obama administrations ever were willing to cross, for the geopolitical strategery reason that it's fucking crazy. Unfortunately, fucking crazy is currently president of the United States.
And now, President Golfy is threatening to commit war crimes from his Twitter account, which he claims serves as the official notice-giver for letting Congress know when he's going to commit war crimes to make his dick feel bigger than Obama's and distract from his impeachment.
He doubled down this weekend on his earlier threat to hit 52 cultural sites in Iran, which, again, is a literal actual war crime:
....targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very… https://t.co/p1wqtpTcpt— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1578178325.0
2020 is gonna be so awesome, you guys.
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