Guys, this is BAD. Don't worry, it's great for America and Wonkette is over here fixing a snack so we can gleefully watch the next stage of Donald Trump's life being ruined while eating a snack, but this is REALLY BAD for Trump, his family, and also his company.

The Wall Street Journal is breaking news (they are ALL OVER this Trump Organization shit!) that Allan Weisselberg, the chief financial officer of the Trump Organization, has been granted immunity from prosecutors in the Michael Cohen probe. WHOA, RIGHT? Who has all the receipts? Allan Weisselberg has them, because he is the CFO!

The decision by prosecutors in the Manhattan U.S. attorney's office to grant immunity to Mr. Weisselberg escalates the pressure on Mr. Trump, whom Mr. Weisselberg has served for decades as executive vice president and chief financial officer of the Trump Organization. After Mr. Trump was elected, he handed control of his financial assets and business interests to his two adult sons and Mr. Weisselberg.

Weisselberg was subpoenaed to appear before the Southern District of New York (SDNY) grand jury a while back, which makes sense, because he's been at the Trump Organization since the beginning. Hell, he worked for FRED Trump, AKA Donald's white supremacist daddy.

In the tape Michael Cohen released of himself talking to Trump about porn peener payoffs before the election, Cohen specifically said he had talked to Weisselberg about how to handle payments to David Pecker's American Media Inc. (AMI), for the purposes of buying the rights to Karen McDougal's porn peener story about Trump's pecker. The criminal Information document on Michael Cohen also curiously alludes to two high ranking executives in the Trump Organization who handled the fraudulent reimbursement to Michael Cohen for his porn peener payoff to Stormy Daniels. Wonkette was just guessing, but is at least 75% sure those two executives are Allan Weisselberg and Donald Trump Jr.

So what does all this mean? Renato Mariotti points out in a handy Twitter thread that the mere fact Weisselberg got immunity means he was in BIG TROUBLE MISTER. And for what? Oh just maybe falsifying financial records and bank fraud and all kinds of other stuff.

And now that Weisselberg has been granted immunity, he gets to keep answering the government's questions until the government decides it is bored of asking questions and more in the mood to just put Donald Trump Jr. in jail, assuming that's something the government wants to do. (Solid PROBABLY.) He probably also knows exactly how looped in Daddy Donald was on all this criminality. This is likely one of the big reasons Trump has been screaming "SNITCHES GET STITCHES!" at the top of his lungs and saying cooperating with criminal investigations should be illegal. (Another reason is that David Pecker flipped.) It's also maybe probably part of the reason why the entire Trump Organization has retained the services of Alan Futerfas, the mob lawyer who used to just rep Junior. Businesses that are allegedly just fronts for crime families tend to need mob lawyers.

Now, to be clear, Weisselberg has only been granted immunity in the Cohen case, so it doesn't necessarily mean he's just going to blurt out where every single body is sleeping with fishes. But assuming the Cohen investigation leads to another investigation which leads to one million more investigations, Weisselberg knows about every single bit of tax evasion, money laundering, and all kinds of other shit, even if he doesn't know about Russia stuff. (He probably does. Did we mention he's the CFO with all the receipts? That probably includes receipts WRITTEN IN CYRILLIC, we are just saying.)

Regardless, Weisselberg's testimony could mean the Trump children might end up catching enough federal and state charges to put them in jail forever. (Because LOL state charges can't be pardoned by Daddy LOLOLOLOL GO TO JAIL.)

Speaking of state charges! Did you hear the very funny news that the Manhattan DA is looking into criminal state charges against the Trump Organization and two of its top executives? It's about all the same shit! Isn't that very funny news?

Smile, everybody! It's Friday, and Donald Trump is having a HORRIBLE DAY.

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[Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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