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There is SO MUCH BREAKING news in the Stormy Daniels case! She did a "60 Minutes" interview! They've expanded their lawsuit to include a defamation claim against the Trump thug with the fucked up face, Michael Cohen! Wonkette is doing its level best to keep up with developments as they occur, but we feel we have neglected perhaps the most important part of this story, which is that Daniels's lawyer Michael Avenatti, who is not only a lawyer but also a RACE CAR DRIVING LAWYER, is so smoking hot we cannot even hear what he says on the television, because we are rendered deaf by the hotness.

To be quite clear, it is not only we, the big gay Wonkette, who believe this. Forsooth it was Editrix Rebecca who originally made the "joke" (she was not joking) about not being able to hear his words, because of his hotness. It was Five Dollar Feminist who, in reply to our conversation about being deaf now on account of how Michael Avenatti's hotness blinded us so hard it spread to our ears, said, "Leave my boyfriend alone."

We have reported on this news on our Twitter account previously:

Here are two examples of the Michael Ave-Hottie genre, both of which happened Monday night on television. In no way are they intended to be exhaustive. They are simply meant to be hot.

The first was an absolutely CRAY BONKERS panel discussion on the Anderson Cooper show "This Is A News Program, Kind Of," which runs on CNN while the Chris Hayes TV Hour is happening on MSNBC. David Schwartz, who appears to be a two-bit wanna-be thug lawyer, and who represents fellow two-bit wanna-be thug lawyer Michael Cohen, was on the panel, along with Avenatti and Jeffrey Toobin, and oh boy, what a show! But where Schwartz did the POUNDY POUNDY YELLY MADNESS thing, because he has nothing to say, Avenatti just grinned and let the baby cry, while he looked at Anderson Cooper like "Are you seeing this right now?" Like so:

Avenatti was able to do this because Michael Cohen and his lawyer are both very bad lawyers, and it's best to just let them dig their own graves every time they open their mouths.

Schwartz whined that Stormy Daniels and her lawyer are "defaming" Michael Cohen by saying he personally threatened her, which is funny because that didn't happen, not even once. But did Avenatti need to fight? Nah. He just said, "File a lawsuit." Schwartz's belly angrily rolled around like a bowl full of jelly as he whined about Stormy Daniels's "fake lie detector test," which led Avenatti to note for the poor dear that God had given him two ears and just one mouth for a reason, because you're supposed to LISTEN UP, FOOL.

Then Avenatti taunted Schwartz for 10 straight minutes about what a wussy loser and shitty lawyer Michael Cohen is, and when Schwartz somehow decided it would cost Avenatti and Daniels a million dollars each time Avenatti called Cohen a "thug," Avenatti just said "thug" 12 TIMES, just to annoy the little twat. And then when Schwartz changed the subject and yelled about a different irrelevant thing, Avenatti said "thug" seven more times, just for good measure.

As the segment went on, Avenatti noted that if you believe the bullshit stories being told by Donald Trump, Michael Cohen and David Schwartz, that Trump never had an affair with Stormy Daniels, then paid out $130,000 to cover up nothing, then you need to call Schwartz at his office and baselessly claim you fucked the president, because then you get $130,000 apparently!

At the end, Avenatti, as he often does, quoted late Senator Howell Heflin of Alabama, who said this:

When the facts are on your side, you argue the facts. When the law is on your side, you argue the law. When you have neither the law nor the facts, you pound the table. That's what's goin' on right here!

Here are some fun videos from the Anderson Cooper program:

Just a couple hours later, Michael Avenatti showed up on the Lawrence O'Donnell MSNBC show, where there were no big dumb beef tips to bother him and he could discuss his case with adults. Since it wasn't BIG FIGHT, we won't go to great lengths to tell you what happened. We will simply say we love watching Avenatti talk about how Trump and Cohen are big fucking idiots who fall into every single trap Avenatti sets for them. We also loved when he said this, in response to a question about why Trump and Michael Cohen are obviously so scared of him:

I can't explain it, I mean, Lawrence, I'm harmless.

HARMLESS.

He added that he's just a simple boy from the Midwest, and that might have been the moment we slid off our chair, allegedly.

Watch it:

Be still our hearts!

In conclusion, Michael Avenatti is sexy as fuck and also he has a hell of a mind, which is more than we can say for Donald Trump or Michael Cohen, so it will be so much fun to watch Avenatti beat the shit out of them. He's beat Trump before, after all.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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