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There is SO MUCH BREAKING news in the Stormy Daniels case! She did a "60 Minutes" interview! They've expanded their lawsuit to include a defamation claim against the Trump thug with the fucked up face, Michael Cohen! Wonkette is doing its level best to keep up with developments as they occur, but we feel we have neglected perhaps the most important part of this story, which is that Daniels's lawyer Michael Avenatti, who is not only a lawyer but also a RACE CAR DRIVING LAWYER, is so smoking hot we cannot even hear what he says on the television, because we are rendered deaf by the hotness.

To be quite clear, it is not only we, the big gay Wonkette, who believe this. Forsooth it was Editrix Rebecca who originally made the "joke" (she was not joking) about not being able to hear his words, because of his hotness. It was Five Dollar Feminist who, in reply to our conversation about being deaf now on account of how Michael Avenatti's hotness blinded us so hard it spread to our ears, said, "Leave my boyfriend alone."

We have reported on this news on our Twitter account previously:

Here are two examples of the Michael Ave-Hottie genre, both of which happened Monday night on television. In no way are they intended to be exhaustive. They are simply meant to be hot.

The first was an absolutely CRAY BONKERS panel discussion on the Anderson Cooper show "This Is A News Program, Kind Of," which runs on CNN while the Chris Hayes TV Hour is happening on MSNBC. David Schwartz, who appears to be a two-bit wanna-be thug lawyer, and who represents fellow two-bit wanna-be thug lawyer Michael Cohen, was on the panel, along with Avenatti and Jeffrey Toobin, and oh boy, what a show! But where Schwartz did the POUNDY POUNDY YELLY MADNESS thing, because he has nothing to say, Avenatti just grinned and let the baby cry, while he looked at Anderson Cooper like "Are you seeing this right now?" Like so:

Avenatti was able to do this because Michael Cohen and his lawyer are both very bad lawyers, and it's best to just let them dig their own graves every time they open their mouths.

Schwartz whined that Stormy Daniels and her lawyer are "defaming" Michael Cohen by saying he personally threatened her, which is funny because that didn't happen, not even once. But did Avenatti need to fight? Nah. He just said, "File a lawsuit." Schwartz's belly angrily rolled around like a bowl full of jelly as he whined about Stormy Daniels's "fake lie detector test," which led Avenatti to note for the poor dear that God had given him two ears and just one mouth for a reason, because you're supposed to LISTEN UP, FOOL.

Then Avenatti taunted Schwartz for 10 straight minutes about what a wussy loser and shitty lawyer Michael Cohen is, and when Schwartz somehow decided it would cost Avenatti and Daniels a million dollars each time Avenatti called Cohen a "thug," Avenatti just said "thug" 12 TIMES, just to annoy the little twat. And then when Schwartz changed the subject and yelled about a different irrelevant thing, Avenatti said "thug" seven more times, just for good measure.

As the segment went on, Avenatti noted that if you believe the bullshit stories being told by Donald Trump, Michael Cohen and David Schwartz, that Trump never had an affair with Stormy Daniels, then paid out $130,000 to cover up nothing, then you need to call Schwartz at his office and baselessly claim you fucked the president, because then you get $130,000 apparently!

At the end, Avenatti, as he often does, quoted late Senator Howell Heflin of Alabama, who said this:

When the facts are on your side, you argue the facts. When the law is on your side, you argue the law. When you have neither the law nor the facts, you pound the table. That's what's goin' on right here!

Here are some fun videos from the Anderson Cooper program:

Just a couple hours later, Michael Avenatti showed up on the Lawrence O'Donnell MSNBC show, where there were no big dumb beef tips to bother him and he could discuss his case with adults. Since it wasn't BIG FIGHT, we won't go to great lengths to tell you what happened. We will simply say we love watching Avenatti talk about how Trump and Cohen are big fucking idiots who fall into every single trap Avenatti sets for them. We also loved when he said this, in response to a question about why Trump and Michael Cohen are obviously so scared of him:

I can't explain it, I mean, Lawrence, I'm harmless.

HARMLESS.

He added that he's just a simple boy from the Midwest, and that might have been the moment we slid off our chair, allegedly.

Watch it:

Be still our hearts!

In conclusion, Michael Avenatti is sexy as fuck and also he has a hell of a mind, which is more than we can say for Donald Trump or Michael Cohen, so it will be so much fun to watch Avenatti beat the shit out of them. He's beat Trump before, after all.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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