The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)
So here's some high-octane Nightmare Fuel -- you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing -- from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad's producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones,
“This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She's also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it”
And then "Amy" screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that "Amy" is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, "Amy" turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it -- or maybe that's jam. This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we've seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn't end with a sudden piercing scream.
Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly "end the war on Christmas" as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy's face?
As far as we can tell, “St. Mary’s At Large” consists of a Facebook page, a Twitter account, and a YouTube channel with three videos on it (yes, the other two are almost as thoroughly weirdass as this sucker, though without the screams). The vid's YouTube credits say it's from the parish of St. Mary's Barnegat-Manahawkin, New Jersey, and while the church's official website doesn't mention this particular bit of outreach, it does list the parish's pastor as Msgr. Kennard J. Tuzeneu, who is also credited as the video's "Executive Producer." Happily, parishioners can drop money into the collection plate secure in the knowledge that, unless video producer "Rat Skates" (aka Lee Kundrat) is getting a heck of a fee, they're at least not wasting a lot of money on production values.
Still, RatSkates has high hopes for this little video; when it was released, he tweeted, "WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Did a 4 year-old just END IT?" We're thinking maybe that's a tad optimistic, as the ad seems unlikely to convince anyone at Fox News or in the "we're so persecuted" community to stop whining about this "war" that doesn't exist.
If this thing actually is airing, we can only imagine how any kids in the room might react -- that sudden scream and crash is classic nightmare fuel, though not quite as terrifying as Yr Doktor Zoom's favorite example, this terrifying anti-heroin PSA from about 1970, which left him unable to be alone in a room with a TV on for weeks. Thanks to the magic of the interwebz, its sudden jump-cut from a wind-up toy to a to a screaming rhesus monkey can traumatize a whole new generation (needless to say, shoo the kiddies out before viewing):
Do not touch my monkey!
We mention this by way of transition to another St Mary's At Large/Rat Skates production from a few months back, which makes the airtight argument that Newtown, the Boston bombing, and abortion are all pretty much the same thing, and that all this killing -- especially the fear that "if mom takes me to the doctor, it might be the one who kills babies that are trying to be born" -- is leading little kids to jump out of bed and buy oxycodone on the internet so they won't have to face this bad mean world anymore:
So yes, you have a bunch that worries about the children making a War On Christmas ad that seems calculated to leave adults wondering "what the fuck?" while also scaring the living bejeezus out of any children who might be watching. Well trolled, Rat Skates, well trolled.
Update of Awesomeness: A tip of the leather kitten headgear to commenter mondojohnson for this bit of inspired lunacy. As before, NOT for the kids!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.