The Year In Loser Governors Failing To Become President, Like A Bunch Of Losers
With so many current and former governors trying and failing to become president, Wonkette thought it would be a good idea to put together a handy explainer to remind you of all the ones you done unremembered.
Also worth noting: Wonkette predicted months ago that none of these hooting dickbuckets would ever become president.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: Terrifyingly, yes. The early smart money (including the Koch Brothers) that wasn't on Jeb! was pretty much all on Walker.
Moment In The Spotlight: Every single time Scott Walker had a chance at the spotlight, he shouted “REAGAN!” then drooled on himself through a self-satisfied grin. This boded poorly.
Why He Won’t Be President: Not because he is one of the dumbest, most regressively vile excuses for a human being to ever hold a U.S. governorship; Republican voters were totally cool with that. The part they weren't on board with was Walker having the charisma of a wet sock and an organization that ran like a well-oiled oil slick. Flailing his arms like an inflatable tube man and inexplicably shouting the word “HARLEY!” repeatedly at the GOP debates probably didn’t help either.
State: New Jersey
Highlight Of Governorship: That time he shut down a major bridge into New York City as part of a petty, childish vendetta, which is more New Jersey than Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi getting spray tans together, then going for a swim in a toxic waste dump filled with used needles.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: One time he treated OBUMMER OBSAMA NOBAMA like an actual human being, shaking his hand and everything, so hell no.
Moment In The Spotlight: It's impossible to tell because he eated it.
Why He Won’t Be President: He's a tremendous dick -- really, a huge, gigantic, enormous dick -- which should be a positive for him with GOP voters, but Trump completely heisted his dick brand. To stand out, he would've had to say things like “all poor people should be put into a meat-mincer ... mmmm, meat ... Christie loves ham ... GIVE CHRISTIE HAM, CHRISTIE MUST FEED!”
Highlight Of Governorship: That time he vanquished the invincible Clinton Machine, which did too happen, no you shut up.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: Mike Huckabee is a bile-spewing pedophile-apologist human clown shoe that not even a plurality of Republicans would vote for.
Moment In The Spotlight: His torrid, doomed love affair with Jesus-humpin’ divorce enthusiast Kim Davis. “Remember me, Kimothy,” Huck sometimes whispers to the cruel, unforgiving sky as the wind soughs in the Arkansas pines and his deep-fried squirrel grows cold in the dim porchlight. “Remember us.”
Why He Won’t Be President: Huck never really wanted to be president. Sure, he’s technically still running, but that's just to feign relevance so he can sell books and do a bigotry about the gays, the blacks, the furr’ners, and anyone who lives in a municipality with more teeth than residents, cloaked behind an aw-shucks down-home God-fearin’ gravy-lubin’ Jesus-is-my-bro-no-homo-well-ok-maybe-a-little-homo facade.
Highlight Of Governorship: The part where his legacy sucked so hard it threw the governor's mansion to the Staypuft Marshmallow Man, only the second time a Republican had won in 40 years. Great job, Martin O'Malley! You cretin.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: What was the question? We're still busy being pissed about Larry fucking Hogan.
Moment In The Spotlight: He said something stupid one time.
Why He Won’t Be President: "The Wire." Also Hillary Clinton exists. But mostly "The Wire."
Highlight Of Governorship: Unexpectedly and improbably getting usurped as Dumbest Texas Governor Ever by Greg Abbott. Man, Rick Perry loses at everything.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: Not after it became apparent America had seen too many Superman movies to fall for the Clark Kent/glasses thing.
Moment In The Spotlight: When he announced he was ending his campaign about 15 minutes after it started and everyone said, “Wait, Rick Perry was running for president again?”
Something Called A "Jim Gilmore"
State: Virginia? Maybe Nebraska?
Highlight Of Governorship: Virginia or possibly Nebraska was not rent unto the maw of the Great Beast Which Devours All.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: He's Jim fucking Gilmore.
Moment In The Spotlight: Jim Gilmore is a creature of the night; spotlights would turn his pale, supple flesh to ash.
Why He Won’t Be President: Wonkette is reasonably certain we invented him in a fever dream.
Highlight Of Governorship: When he went on national TV and everyone was confused why the Republican rebuttal to the State of the Union had been overdubbed by Kenneth the Page.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: See above.
Moment In The Spotlight: When we remembered he once conducted an exorcism and laughed until we peed a little bit.
Why He Won’t Be President: While he's terrible and dumb enough that he probably accidentally brushes his teeth with conditioner every few days, he’s not terrible or dumb enough to be interesting. Jindal never had a constituency.
State: Rhode Island. We think. Maybe. Who gives a shit, it's Lincoln Chafee.
Highlight Of Governorship: When we just looked it up and discovered that Rhode Island is, in fact, a real state.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: At one point, someone on Twitter joked we should boycott the presidential election by writing in Big Bird. This was the closest Lincoln Chafee will ever get to the Oval Office.
Moment In The Spotlight: When he dropped out of the race.
Why He Won’t Be President: Because he's a fucking Muppet.
State: New York
Highlight Of Governorship: He was never indicted on corruption, racketeering, or prostitution charges. In New York politics, this counts as hugely successful!
Did He Ever Have A Chance: The fuck do you think?
Moment In The Spotlight: This tweet:
Why He Won’t Be President: He’s a pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-environment Republican. The only question is why it took him so long to drop out.
Highlight Of Governorship: Unclear. We only bother to acknowledge Ohio's existence every four years, when it determines the presidency.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: LOL
Moment In The Spotlight: That time he called for a Crusade. If this had come from Trump, we’d consider it a cynical, calculated move designed to keep his name in the headlines and rile up a voter base that thinks Socialist ISIS homo marriage is causin’ all them turnaders lately. In Kasich's case, it's because he's a dingbat.
Why He Won’t Be President: Because Kasich isn’t even terrible in a remarkable way, like Cincinnati chili. He's just sort of there, and nobody’s really sure why, like Cleveland. Please go away, John Kasich; we’re tired of having to remember you exist.
Highlight Of Governorship: When, possibly due to widespread toxic mold inhalation, we honestly thought Jeb! was the smart Bush brother. Then the GOP primary started and we witnessed Jeb! do battle with his archnemesis: zippers.
Did He Ever Have A Chance: Jeb! was a frontrunner early on, until people realized he is a human “Kick Me” sign with all the blazing emotional fire of a stagnant puddle.
Moment In The Spotlight: There was the time he suggested we only let in Christian Syrian refugees, because havin’ the Jesus in you blocks the terrorism receptors from activating. Or his “stuff happens” response to the Oregon shooting, truly an inspiring panacea for a grieving nation. Or his repeated spats with Trump, which are like watching the school bully beat the crap out of the kid who eats spackle off the walls. Probably the best answer is the entire nomination process, aka, the part where Jeb! had the GOP nomination on his racket and thwacked the ball into his own face. Jeb! is Charlie Brown, and the presidency is his football.
Why He Won’t Be President: Technically, he could be; he’s still running. Unfortunately for Jeb!, he is a sad, busted clown nose honking forlornly into the whistling abyss, so nah.
There you have it: a whole lot of dingus governors who will never so much as sniff the presidency. You're permitted to go back to forgetting about them now.