2019 In Sex, Only Without The Depressing Stuff
Yr Wonkette, like Mike Huckabee, BRINGS THE SEX. Only unlike Huckabee, we bring the actual sex, or at least the sex that isn't all sad and depressing like all the harassment and the abortion restrictions, because it's the end of the year and we don't want to bum you out. So let's remember some of our favorite sexytimes stories of the year, shall we? We shall!
In January, some NRA dudes took a solemn oath that under no circumstances would they ever ever date Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and it turned out to be a really easy vow to keep. So they'll never have to worry about that. And an Arizona lawmaker proposed a porn tax that would prevent cross-border child trafficking. Surprise! Building the Wall with Jizz never went anywhere, either! Infowars freaked out about old footage of Beto O'Rourke playing punk rock in a sheep mask, and since the InfoWarriors figured it was either kinky or Satanic or both, we put that in the Sex Panic box, too.
(Order your OWN Sex Panic box from the Wonkette Online Bazaar today!)
February brought a National Enquirer attempt to blackmail Amazon magnate Jeff Bezos over sex pics, which failed spectacularly when Bezos told David Pecker where to get stuffed. The whole sordid mess quickly got stupid, and somehow the billionaire dude managed not to look like the shittiest person involved at all!
The make-up North Carolina election to find a non-fraudy replacement for tainted Republican congressional candidate Mark Harris took a weird turn in March, when we learned Harris's preferred candidate, Boss Hogg cosplayer Stony Rushing, had tried in 2015 to cover up a sex affair by accusing his former paramour of stalking Rushing's teen daughter. (Rushing admitted the affair in a deposition, so no "allegedly's" about it.) Oddly, Rushing didn't make it past the primary in the electoral do-over.
Also in March, a Republican state legislator in Washington screamed about teenagers doing bestiality and butt stuff because he didn't like a bill that would spare kids from being placed on the sex offender registry for life if they sexted. Gross. And we also learned that Rupert Murdoch helped cover up embarrassing sex stories about Donald Trump. March was pretty icky, all in all.
In April, Politico went on a Cletus Coitus Safari, advising us that Trump aides in Washington DC have their own club for meet and greets, since other nightclubs are full of icky liberals. So sad! Also, photos of former congressional gay-hater Aaron Schock emerged that sure as heck looked to many like Aaron Schock being very gay, and not a very straight metrosexual like he insisted.
2019 also brought us several installments of a great new subgenre of news, the Jacob Wohl Fake Sex Scandal. Wohl had previously beclowned himself with a fake sexual harassment story about Robert Mueller in 2018, and with each iteration, he got lazier and lazier. In April, Wohl and partner in lying Jack Burkman promised shocking revelations about Pete Buttigieg and a sexual assault, except the guy they claimed was the "victim" wanted nothing to do with the completely fabricated allegations. Wohl and Burkman returned in October with an even more absurd story about "cougar" Elizabeth Warren supposedly having extramarital romps with a 25-year-old Marine, which mostly left people saying "good for her, but LOL."
Warren's own reply, however, was pretty awesome:
It's always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semes… https://t.co/8f3a3iTMr4— Elizabeth Warren (@Elizabeth Warren)1570133397.0
May brought the news that maybe Michael Cohen had helped Jerry Falwell Jr. put the kibosh on nakey sex pics of Falwell and his ladywife, and then by September, Politico was reporting all sorts of inside dope about, as Evan put it, "Jerry And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcock." Falwell threatened to sue everyone who ever talked about his dreamunit, and demanded the FBI investigate cockgate, but then later we found out that Stephen Miller, in an unrelated story, was having coitus with a real human person, and no one ever felt sexy again.
Except for Teen Vogue, which ran some damn fool new-age woo-woo nonsense about witchcraft and masturbation. It was mostly, or moistly, a lot of dumb recycled "Law of Attraction" hooey, overlaid with some stuff about dialing the pink telephone. You just visualize your desires, and tune "into the goal you have in mind and channel all of the electric energy of your orgasm into that visualization," and before you know it, you will either achieve your dreams or at least have a nice few minutes to yourself. Not even The American Conservative could work up a good Underage Sex Witchcraft Panic about it, but credit to their Twitter account for trying.
"Masturbation will not help you get an A in algebra, stop your parents from splitting up, get you the lead part in… https://t.co/SncIdbaiuS— The American Conservative (@The American Conservative)1562124000.0
If nothing else, it gave us an excuse to mention Joan from "88 Lines About 44 Women," who thought men were second best to masturbating in the bath, so that was a good thing.
Then at Thanksgiving, all the Men Going their Own Way bragged about how they don't need women to enjoy the holiday, and we're still cleaning out the comments a month later.
Happy New Year, see you in an hour, and STAY SEXY, YOU SEXY WONKERS AT WANKETTE!
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.