There Aren't Enough 10-Foot Poles In England For Princess Anne To Touch Donald Trump

There Aren't Enough 10-Foot Poles In England For Princess Anne To Touch Donald Trump

A majority of Republicans might think Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, but serious people with cool accents want nothing to do with America's clown prince. Trump embarrassed the nation again at the 70th anniversary NATO summit in London. He insulted French President Emmanuel Macron, calling Macron's recent criticisms of NATO "very, very nasty" and "very disrespectful." Trump has beaten up on NATO himself, but he doesn't think Macron has the privilege of sharing his informed opinions because France is a big deadbeat that sucks off America for spare change.

TRUMP: I would say that nobody needs NATO more than France. That's why I think when France makes a statement like they made about NATO, that's a very dangerous statement for them to make.

Trump's damaged psyche believes our allies are all screwing us. He suggested that Macron take some certified preowned ISIS fighters off his hands. Macron, a functioning adult, dismantled whatever point Trump was trying to make.

MACRON: Let's be serious. A very large numbers of fighters you have on the ground are ISIS fighters coming from Syria, from Iraq and the region. It is true that you have foreign fighters coming from Europe, but this is a tiny minority of the overall problem we have in the region.

The president was scheduled to have three one-on-one meetings Tuesday with Macron, NATO secretary general Jens Stoltenberg, and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Instead, demonstrating no respect for their time, he turned what was intended as photo-ops into his own rambling two-hour-long Fox News show. He shared ridiculous and insulting theories about NATO's formation. He played PR hype man for our actual enemy Russia, claiming that when he holds rallies at "big stadiums," his moron supporters love the idea of America bending over for Putin. He contradicted his own administration's position about the ongoing protests in Iran. His painful comments about climate change only demonstrated he doesn't actually know what climate change is. He "joked" about putting Canada on a "payment plan" for NATO, which did not in fact amuse Trudeau. He also called House Rep. Adam Schiff a "maniac" and a "deranged human being" while in Trudeau's presence. This was all rock star diplomacy if the rock star had recently ODed.

Trump is a terrible person who behaves terribly and yet is constantly stunned that no one likes him. Last night, at the Buckingham Palace NATO reception, Trudeau, Macron, and the BBC version of Trump, Boris Johnson, were caught on camera reading Trump for filth.

Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau 'caught gossiping about Donald Trump' to Boris Johnson

This hurt the toddler in chief's feelings. He called Trudeau "two-faced" this morning, which demonstrates that Trump is not the master negotiator he always claims he is. Professional world leaders don't express every feeling or thought they're having, especially during a meeting with another head of state. Trump expects everyone to speak glowingly of him when he's not around or at the very least cower in fear at the mention of his name. Instead, most sensible people just consider him a horrifying joke. He's a monkey wearing a diaper and waving a gun. He's going to hurt someone. And America elected him. It's something we do between increasingly rare moments of lucidity when our president is rational. Fortunately, Laura Ingraham reassures conservatives that this is all "great news" for John McCain Donald Trump.

We're admittedly all partisan hacks around here, but isn't it wise to elect presidents who don't induce giggle fits from other world leaders? If Republicans are failing this test, maybe it's not the "media elites" who are the problem. Enough with Ingraham, though. She's horrible and she knows it. Let's talk about Princess Anne, who was sipping the Earl Grey with Trudeau, Macron, and her goofy PM. She's the baddest lady in the whole Royal Family. Erin Doherty has done her justice on The Crown, but you should really check out actual interviews with her. She's amazing. In 1974, some fools tried (and failed) to kidnap her at gunpoint. She told them, "Not bloody likely." That's an action hero tagline.

Princess Anne had wanted no part of the receiving line at the palace for Trump and Melania, who'd beamed down directly from the Enterprise. She stands to the side and seems to whisper, "You believe that prat?"

Princess Anne's mother, who is the literal Queen of England, motions to her to join the line and she just shrugs. This woman's descended from Queen Victoria and Trump is descended from a klansman who fucked a yam. "Not bloody likely" indeed.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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