There's Embarrassing, And There's Mollie Hemingway Writing About Spending Five Hours With Donald Trump

Trump

Garbage human Federalist idiot Mollie Hemingway has some crap book to promote, so she has published excerpts from five hours of interviews she conducted with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago. She is pretty proud of all this.

The excerpt begins with Hemingway taking a picture with Trump, or at least trying to. Trump didn't like how he looked in the first one. In the second, he found himself attractive — delusional bullshit features heavily here — but concluded that Hemingway still wasn't attractive enough. "I like me, but I still don't like her," he said.

Trump dropped everything and decided to teach me how to take a picture. Somehow I'd reached my 40s without knowing how.

And Hemingway accepted his instruction.

He told me to angle my body, put my hand on my hip, and a few other tricks. "You can trust me: my wife is a supermodel," he said, as if I were unaware. Margo showed him the resulting picture.

He looked at it, paused briefly, and said, "Well there you go," clearly pleased with the result. He was right, it looked much better.

Donald Trump, always there to show a woman where to place her hips so she doesn't appear so disgusting to him. Dear God.

What follows is several grafs of Hemingway apparently attempting to avoid saying there's something wrong with Trump's brain.


She calls their interviews "all over the place." She says Trump is a "bizarre combination of an open book and difficult to nail down." She says her husband was SHOCKED how much Trump's brain flits from subject to subject. We guess he's never seen Trump brag about how well he did on his dementia test, or wonder aloud about new advances in bleach-drinking cures for COVID.

Of course, if Hemingway is trying to hide the true state of the loser former president's brain, she doesn't do bang-up job of it.

He got worried Hemingway was "going into the tattoo stuff."

At one point, he noticed a large bandage on my forearm, which covered a burn I received while cooking dinner for my children. "Did you have a tattoo put on?" he asked, in the midst of listing off detailed election irregularities in Pennsylvania and Michigan. "Mollie's going into the tattoo stuff? Whoa, that's a big step."

He saw Joe Biden on the TV and said these coherent words about how somebody else has a bad brain:

"He looks fragile up there. He's not a long-ball hitter. I can tell you that. He does not hit the long ball," Trump said. "It's hard to watch. I mean, to be honest with you, it's hard to watch. You're on pins and needles. 'Cause you just don't know. When does the blow-up occur? He's not the sharpest guy."

He started hallucinating about an alternate reality where he's beloved and did well in 2020, as opposed to being the most loathed, laughed-at loser in the history of the planet.

"It hurts to lose less than to win and have it taken away," he said. He reminisced about his triumphant 2020 State of the Union Address, given just as he had defeated Democrats' first impeachment effort, where he could boast of a roaring economy, a secure border, and peace breaking out globally. "George Washington, with Abraham Lincoln as his running mate, could not have beaten me. I was up so much."

It's true, Donald Trump hit his personal best ever approval rating in February 2020 of ... 49 percent. Yeeeeeah.

Hemingway takes great pains to tell us how smart Trump is, as if we've never seen the man speak for ourselves:

For a guy known for his self-obsession, he was remarkably knowledgeable and focused on midterm elections and how to strengthen the Republican Party. He took me through what he thought was important in various races to ensure victory, noting arcane rules about primaries, conventions, and how they would affect his involvement.

Oh yes, we bet he was very humble and on task and full of caring about people besides himself. And so detail-oriented! For the record, the very next sentences in the article after that last thing are the thing just above it, about how Trump thinks he won and had it taken away, and how he could have beaten a Washington/Lincoln ticket.

There's a weird part where Trump insists he's not actually upset that Twitter banned him forever, and Hemingway takes whatever integrity she had and dutifully copies that down:

Again, he was unfazed. "Some people said they didn't enjoy the tweets. Sometimes it got to be a bit much," he admitted, adding that he didn't even enjoy the last six months of tweeting.

Okeydokey artichokey.

HASHTAG RIGGED

Hemingway cradles Trump's grievances like an abandoned puppy, baselessly asserting that the media never criticized Hillary Clinton EVER, but rather "worked with her team for three years" to push the Rush-ur hoax. (It's still not a hoax, according to the report from the Senate Intelligence Committee, which was at the time led by Republicans. There are a hell of a lot of unanswered questions, but it ain't a hoax.)

Wanna hear about how there WAS TOO fraud in the 2020 election, even if it's not the fraud kind of fraud, where people actually commit election fraud? Hemingway has thoughts on that.

In early February, political reporter and Nancy Pelosi biographer Molly Ball published a Time magazine article detailing how, as she put it, "a well-funded cabal of powerful people, ranging across industries and ideologies, working together behind the scenes to influence perceptions, change rules and laws, steer media coverage and control the flow of information" had rigged the election to secure a Biden victory.

Hemingway is shamelessly full of shit, on top of all the other character flaws she demonstrates on the reg. That article wasn't about anyone rigging the election. It was about the truly impressive campaign to protect the election from the authoritarian, anti-democratic attacks Trump and his anti-American minions had been lobbing for years at that point. Trump told us before the 2016 election that he wouldn't accept the results unless he won. (Hemingway nods to the fact that she's lying in the next graf, writing that Molly Ball "was whitewashing what the cabal had done" by calling it not rigging but "fortifying.")

In 2016, Russia and Jim Comey and decades of voter suppression gave him the slimmest of loser "victories." In 2020, shit didn't work, and Hemingway and Trump are clearly pissed about that. Apparently they really think that Time article is proof the election was stolen. Bless their hearts.

And that, we guess, is what Hemingway's actual book is about, and why it's called Rigged. She wrote a whole book on this. When she could have been doing literally anything else with her life. Loving her friends and family. Learning a musical instrument. Binging shows that now she'll never have time to watch. Just to make this turd happen.

Here's Hemingway Being Weird Some More

Let's see, what else?

Well, there are about 52,000 unreadable paragraphs of Hemingway and Trump babbling about how Ben Sasse is very stinky and they hate him. So that's cool.

Old Dementia Test tells us about how very dumb world-renowned epidemiologist Anthony Fauci is, which Hemingway also dutifully transcribes:

"Well, who knew that he knew so little? Anthony Fauci is a good promoter—he's a great promoter. He is a better baseball pitcher than he is predicting what to do with people's health," Trump said, needling him about the wild first pitch he threw at a Major League Baseball game during his 2020 publicity tour.

And for much of the rest of it, she just fawns. She writes about Mar-a-Lago like a five-year-old seeing the Magic Kingdom for the first time. She talks of waiting for her Uber while "well-heeled members and guests" show up in "gorgeous Rolls-Royce with suicide doors" and "Bentleys, Lamborghinis, Teslas, and McLarens." She name-drops Rod Blagojevich, like that's gonna get somebody's rocks off.

And of course, oh boy, she talks about how she got to spend all this time with Trump, whom she admires so much, and how they gossiped about everybody like Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell and Elizabeth Warren and Michael Bloomberg and Kanye West, and also how Trump doesn't think Kevin McCarthy and Frank Luntz are gay on each other? Unless maybe Mollie Hemingway is thinking it?

"Uh, that Luntz thing is weird, right? What's that all about?" Trump asked, adding he was pretty sure McCarthy isn't gay. "I don't think it's a romance. I think it's just, they know each other or something. I can't imagine. I don't think — I mean, if you're thinking it — but it is weird." He advised against the living arrangement. "You know, we're past the age of roommates. You don't do that."

Finally, she regales us with sad-ass personal thoughts about how cool it was to get invited to stay for dinner at Mar-a-Lago and how she didn't accept until their last interview, but that night she was supposed to have dinner with her friend Karol, who didn't vote for Trump but isn't "deranged" like everybody else who didn't vote for Trump, so anyway she invited Karol to Mar-a-Lago, and Karol came, and Trump was having dinner with Ted Cruz that night (!!!!! NOTHER CELEB!!1!1!) and Trump came to their table (!!111!) where Mollie Hemingway was with Karol, and Mar-a-Lago forgot to serve them dinner entirely, but that was OK because Trump fixed it (!11!!!!!!) and then they had crab and pasta and it was good (!!11!!!!cleaNPLATECLUB!)!!1!!) and hand to God these are the last two lines Mollie Hemingway published in The Federalist:

When it came time to pay, our waiter told us the president had picked up the tab.

Karol immigrated to the United States from the USSR as a child. And now the former president had bought her dinner.

Hahahahahahahaha we could not have imagined a stupider ending if we tried.

Warmest regards as always, Mollie Hemingway.

[The Federalist]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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