Not the hero we want but

We've been closely following the story of how Russia sure SEEMS to have poisoned former Russian spy-turned MI6 informant Sergei Skripal and his daughter in broad daylight in Salisbury, UK, especially once we learned that Skripal may have been poisoned because of his connections to Orbis, the private intelligence firm founded by Christopher Steele, whose work on Trump-Russia conspiracies has come to be known as "The thing Devin Nunes cries gross tears onto his dairy cows' udders about" AKA "THE DOSSIER."

British Prime Minister Theresa May addressed the House of Commons today about the incident, and oh boy, she is PISSED. Not only did she point her finger directly at Russia, she called the attack a "brazen attempt to murder innocent civilians on our soils," and also said this:

Should there be no credible response [from Russia], we will conclude that this action amounts to an unlawful use of force by the Russian state against the United Kingdom.

Told you she was mad.

In response, members of Parliament said a bunch of loud things in a British accent that sounded like "FUCKIN' RIGHT WE WILL," but we don't know for sure, we don't speak British. (They said "Hear hear!" It really wasn't complicated.)

And May brought the receipts. She explained, according to the Washington Post, that Skripal and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a "military-grade nerve agent of a type developed by Russia," and said either the Russian government did this (of course it did), or Russia is just getting real sloppy with its chemical weapons and must have left them in the bathroom where anybody could have picked them up and started playing with them (nope).

May explained that the nerve agent is called "Novichok," which sounds pretty GD Russian to us:

“Based on the positive identification of this chemical agent by world-leading experts at Porton Down, our knowledge that Russia has previously produced this agent and would still be capable of doing so, Russia’s record of conducting state-sponsored assassinations, and our assessment that Russia views some defectors as legitimate targets for assassinations, the government has concluded that it is highly likely that Russia was responsible for the act against Sergei and Yulia Skripal,” she said.

So! May is ready to kick some ass, because fuck that shithole country, and Russia has until Wednesday to pony up with a real answer, and if (when) it doesn't, May will commence the important task of fucking Vladimir Putin the fuck up. How? She's not saying, but we imagine hard-ass sanctions will be part of it.

Here's how Russia has responded so far, via WaPo:

“It is a circus show in the British parliament,” the TASS news agency quoted Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova as saying. [...]

A BBC reporter quoted Putin Monday as saying, “Get to the bottom of things there, then we’ll discuss this,” when asked about the alleged poisoning.

Fuck you.

At Monday's White House briefing, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about May's statement to Parliament, and Sanders said the attack was "reckless" and "irresponsible" and an "outrage" and that we "stand by our closest ally" (which is still technically the UK, though for how much longer, we don't know). However, amazingly and breathtakingly, she refused to say the word "Russia," even though the entire fucking point of the question was that Theresa May is ready to kick Russia in the dick.

We look forward to Donald Trump tweeting about how the real poisoner was a 400-pound person from New Jersey, or maybe he won't say anything at all, because Russia owns him.

Dear Prime Minister May: We are sorry our current Manchurian candidate president most likely won't lift a tiny orange finger to help you right now. Please fuck Russia up hard for us, because we promise the majority of Americans still love things like democracy and freedom and cannot stand those Russian fuckers.

Also if you have dirty shit on Trump and can justify leaking it as part of punishing Russia for poisoning these people, we promise we won't be mad.

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[Washington Post]