This Is The Face Of A Man Infected With Electrical Transmissions From Vaccinated People

Conspiracy theories

Sometimes things are just true, and that's what this post is about.

We talk about "Coach" Dave Daubenmire here on Wonkette once in a while. He's a batshit bugfuck anti-abortion anti-gay person and ... oh hell, let's just hop in the Wonkette time machine to copy/paste ourselves:

This clownass thinks he's so tough, he even went to the Capitol riots. Dunno if he managed to waddle inside, though, he's kinda old. Who gets picked last for doing coups? "Coach" Dave, probably.

"Coach" Dave is so masculine he melted into a piss-puddle of shrieking 1980s-era middle school anti-gay slurs when Pete Buttigieg was nice to a nine-year-old gay kid at a rally, calling him Pete "Buttfudge." Dave was so triggered, he wanted Pete ARRESTED.

"Coach" Dave was pretty sure Hurricane Harvey was God's punishment against Houston for abortion and lesbian witch mayors, even though when Harvey struck, the mayor of Houston was a non-lesbian Black man. Dave's god is one Forgetful Fred, apparently. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," said Dave's absent-minded god, suddenly remembering he had been meaning to zap Houston with a hurricane any time in the preceding six years, when Annise Parker was actually mayor. "Oh well better late than never," said Dave's VERY TARDY lord.

Wanna hear him lovingly encourage Rachel Maddow to find a man to fuck? That exists.

Point is, he is just MISTER MAD and MISTER HATE and, you know, not very bright.

He also thinks Dr. Anthony Fauci is an emissary of DEVIL.

And that brings us to where we are this week, because "Coach" Dave — the quotes are around "coach" for a reason — seems to have a stinky virus of some sort. Is it COVID? Coughing, he asked earlier this week, "What the hell does that even mean, I've got COVID? What is that? What is COVID?" He also explained that he had "drenched" his bed over the weekend, and he didn't mean in the nighttime weenus emissions kind of way. (Did you think you were going to get the words "nighttime weenus emissions" in a post about "Coach" Dave? You're welcome.)

Now, "Coach" Dave is addressing why he has been sick lo these many weeks. Good news, everyone! It's not COVID!

It's ... um, well, it's just that he got "electric transmission" from vaccinated people. That was our second guess, obviously.


DAVE: I know this.

He knows it.

What I've had for the last three weeks ...

THREE WEEKS.

... are you guys looking at me?

His eyes are up there, you pervs.

... is not a virus. I want you to listen to me again. Because we've all been programmed to say 'COVID virus.'

We've been programmed.

What I had was not a virus. I got that from the holy spirit.

He got his sniffles and coughs from Jesus's ghost-y little brother? Oh wait, maybe he is saying the holy spirit TOLD HIM he didn't have a virus.

What I have – had – I've been dealing with – is some kind of electric transmission – are you listening to me? – from the vaccinated.

Gotcha. Us too. Totally electrically transmitted right now, DAMN YOU, VAXED PEOPLE! Holy Ghost told us.

I have been dealing with something from the vaccinated. There's two components that are going on with this thing. Number one, there is a physical viral component of it.

Thought it wasn't viral, according to Casper the Friendly Jesus.

But here's what I know, ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, zinc, vitamin C – the cocktail of vitamins that I've been taking ...

Holy fuck he's taking horse dewormer AND hydroxybonercream 3000? Fuuuuuuuuuck. Surprised he hasn't literally drunk bleach yet, that we know of, but give him time.

... blocked the physical aspect of that from getting deeply into my body, but it did not prevent the electrical part of it.

Horse dewormer and hydroxybonercream 3000 blocked him from getting sick — except how he's been sick for three weeks, just drenching his bed — but they didn't block the electrical transmissions.

You know, in the olden days, people who said things like this didn't get to do podcasts without adult supervision at the very least. Also, if you're inclined to be worried about "Coach" Dave's mental health, rest assured he's sounding no crazier than he's sounded the entire time we've been aware of him.

Get well soon, "Coach" Dave. Don't want the electric transmissions from the vaccinated to keep you flat on your ass too much longer.

[h/t JoeMyGod]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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