This Is What Chris Cillizza Got Paid More Than You To Do Yesterday
Every so often we must take a break from the real news, because something comes across Twitter that makes us scream at clouds about HOW THE FUCK did Chris Cillizza win the Failing Upward lottery to the point that he's paid what must be multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, when you combine blogging (excuse us "POLITICAL ANALYZING"), TV appearances and the occasional nude centerfold (just kidding OMG yuck). Something like this:
— Chris Cillizza (@CillizzaCNN) May 9, 2018
NO! YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING HACK! You did NOT just write a post that just consists of OTHER PEOPLE'S REPLIES to a stupid-ass tweet you sent because, for whatever misogynistic under-fucked reasons, you're still obsessed with hating Hillary Goddamned Clinton. OH WAIT, YOU DID! Glad there's nothing else going on in the news!
Before we get to Cillizza's post, allow us to show you quickly what we personally did yesterday:
- A 1,424 word analysis of how goddamned stupid Donald Trump was to pull out of the Iran deal, why he did it, what the rest of the world thinks about it, and where we go from here. (Including jokes, because on top of being really fucking great at analysis, unlike a common Chris Cillizza, we are also very funny, unlike a common Chris Cillizza.)
- A 916 word OH MY GOD roundup of the various companies that have been funneling money to Michael Cohen for GOD KNOWS WHY reasons, looking at the hilarious excuses they're giving for why they're doing that, and explaining why they look like idiots for doing so.
- A 1,424 word funny thinky piece (weird, the two long ones were the exact same length?) about Devin Nunes, relating his status as chief obstructor of justice for Donald Trump, and thus a person who is literally doing Russia's work, to the popular TV show "The Americans," which is about KGB spies living in Reagan's Cold War America.
- THIS POST, THAT WE'RE WRITING AT YOU RIGHT NOW! Final word count: 996
We are a pretty busy guy!
Chris Cillizza, on the other hand, did this:
- A post where he compared how many times Trump has lied this year to how many times people pee in a year. No shit. He did this to add "context" to Trump's lying, and closed by encouraging us to remember Trump's lies every time we pee. Chris Cillizza, ladies and gents!
- A post where he named the winners and losers from the primary elections Tuesday. One of the "losers" was Don Blankenship, and one of the "winners" was his "beauty rest," because it takes a solid eight hours a night to make that Cillizza magic.
- A post where he analyzed a Trump tweet and came to the startling conclusion that when Trump says "fake news," he means "news Trump doesn't like." O RLY?
And finally, Cillizza produced unto us this gem, where he phoned it in HARD by picking the 16 "funniest" (read: not funniest) replies to a tweet he twatted about how it would SHAKE IT UP! if Hillary Clinton replaced Eric Schneiderman. This is a thought approximately 74 million Twitter users had, most of them the night before it dawned on Cillizza.
Roughly 24 hours later, that half-joke, half-imagine-if tweet had generated more than 2,300 likes and 1,500 comments.
We did not realize that tweet was half one thing, half another thing! Truly, Chris Cillizza's tweets contain multitudes.
Cillizza surmises the tweet was very popular because people have strong feelings about Hillary Clinton, and also about Chris Cillizza. But what he wasn't expecting was how HILARIOUS the responses would be! He didn't include any that were super mean to Chris Cillizza, because COME ON, YOU GUYS, he doesn't have the thick skin for that. Just the ones that made him chuckle!
No offense to the Tweeters quoted below, as we're sure y'all were not expecting to be held up as humorist icons by Chris Cillizza in this, his fourth blog post of Wednesday, but this shit isn't funny:
- "Here's a name that would shake up the New York AG race: Scrappy-Doo, Scooby-Doo's nephew."
- "Here's a name, you guessed it, Frank Stallone."
- "A+ level trolling"
- "Here's a name that would shake up the New York AG race: Ima Dumbass"
- "Ready to have your mind rocked? A mustache-less Tom Selleck."
- "Hahahahahahahaha no."
OH NO, EVERYONE, ARE YOU DYING A FIERY DEATH FROM LOL-ING?
Guys? There's phoning it in, and there's phoning it in. Like for instance, we recently wrote "The 10 Best Pics Of Trump Being Gay For Emmanuel Macron, Plus One Where Melania Gets A Bite," because we were goddamned tired and we felt like it. At least we had to do some research to find the ten best pictures, though! And we covered other important news that day!
Out of the four stories Chris Cillizza covered on Wednesday, Wonkette covered exactly one of them, and it was what happened in Tuesday's primaries. And guess what? WONKETTE DID IT BETTER. (That time it was Dok, who also wrote about refugees and Trump's Nixon ITT scandal cosplay. It was a slow day for him!) We also covered a hundred other things, all of them more important than "Trump lies are like pee!" and "Chris Cillizza made Chris Cillizza LOL and then Twitter made him LOL even more!"
We are thinking of turning this into a semi-daily post, for when we're exhausted from covering the real news and just want to phone it in by calling Chris Cillizza a shitheel and a loser. No guarantees, though, because we have a stellar nose for news and, more importantly, we feel a responsibility to inform our readers about what's really going on in Trump's America.
But we'll see. Could be fun!
Meantime, hit that donate button below if you think Wonkette adds more value to the world than Chris Goddamned Cillizza.
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