Thousands Of Mormons To Nail Magic Underpants To Temple Door In Mass Resignation

Hasa diga eebowai, motherfuckers.

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Oh fiddlesticks, the Mormon Church has angered some of the people on its membership rolls! If you'll remember, the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints decided it was time to update its policies on the EW GAYS, because marriage equality is now legal nationwide, more and more kids are growing up happy and healthy in homes headed by same-sex couples, and gay youngs are coming out earlier and earlier.

So the Church knew it was time to be nicer to the gays since they're not going away clarify that if you are same-sex gay-boning or lady-scissoring, you are considered an apostate, and if you have children, they cannot be baptized into the Mormon faith. Well, they technically can, but not until they turn 18 and officially say they hate their parents and wish they were dead ("disavow" them), and that if the gaywad parents die and accidentally go to Mormon heaven, they do NOT get to live on the planet Mormon God has given their kids as a present for living a good Joseph Smith-centered life.

But UH OH! Looks like a bunch of gay Mormons and their supporters are planning to converge on the temple in Salt Lake City on Saturday, rip their temple garments off their supple gay Mormon bodies (we imagine) and officially leave the church what hates them so:

The event has already gathered nearly 1,000 RSVPs, with 1,400 additional people reportedly mailing in their resignation forms separately. And while 2,400 resignations out of an overall population of 6.4 million Mormon Americans and 15.3 million Mormons worldwide isn’t exactly going to put a huge dent in total church membership, it will nonetheless send a message that bigotry comes with at least some cost.

That DOES send a message, especially for a church so concerned with inflating its membership rolls that it's known for baptizing people as Mormons posthumously, just to make sure they have enough chances to accept the divine truth that Jesus visited a rest stop in Missouri just before He ascended into Heaven to sitteth at the right hand of God the Father, for thine is the kingdom, yadda yadda, words. Yr Wonkette cannot confirm or deny whether they've successfully converted Anne Frank into a frontier Mormon, but they've tried.

Of course, it requires a lawyer to do this, because as AmericaBlog explains, "There are actual forms and even notaries public involved," because Reasons.

As you might suspect, this started with a lesbian rabble rouser, AKA Kate Kendell, director of the National Center For Lesbian Rights, AKA one of the badassest homosexbian activists in all of U.S. America. She was raised Mormon, and here's how she reacted to the news in the Washington Post:

I just did something I thought I would never do. I resigned my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons) and asked that my name be removed from the records.

Even at the height of church involvement in the passage of Proposition 8 in California, I never seriously considered removing my name. It just didn’t matter that much to me. Spiritually and emotionally, I left the church I grew up in decades ago. And despite being a “known gay activist” to the church, I was never excommunicated, so my name remained on the church rolls as a member. Not anymore.

Not even the Prop 8 fight -- which was brutal, we remember it very well -- did it, but this did. Why? Well, Kate's a mom, so that MIGHT be part of why this was the straw that broke the camel's back. (It was probably the camel whose job it was to ferry Jesus between the Mormon Garden of Eden in Jackson County, Missouri, and the nearest Big Lots, which is a county over.)

We kid the Mormons. Why wouldn't we? We are Yr Wonkette!

Kate also describes the effect this latest announcement had on her own family, including her cherished sister, who is still an active participating member of the Church. We'd imagine there are a hell of a lot of Mormon families out there feeling the same way right now:

I can’t help but think how crushing this news is to everyone who had begun to believe that they could both love their church and love themselves or their LGBT family. [...]

My sister, who is a devout Mormon but who also loves me unconditionally, was one of the first to reach out to me when the news hit. In a text she wrote: “I’ve been very sad all day since I heard of the Church’s pronouncement on the children of same-sex marriages. I feel like we are going backward when I thought we were moving forward slowly.”

All silliness aside, this is going to keep happening. The Mormons and the Catholics and all the conservative Protestant branches are going to get this reaction more and more, every single time they decide to take another desperate stab at saying "Fuck you, gays!" It's not an abstract concept anymore, the idea of having gay family members, children, parents, aunts, uncles, best friends, dog-walkers, et cetera. It's real for millions of people.

So have fun on Saturday, all you soon to be Not Mormons! Nail those underpants to the church door like Martin Luther startin' him a Reformation.

[AmericaBlog / Washington Post]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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