Three GOP Idiots Think We Can Stop Coronavirus With Money Found Under White House Couch Cushions
You're probably nervous that the people in charge of the nation's response to the novel coronavirus couldn't make the starting lineup of the Washington Generals. Don't worry. We've still got badass b-word Nancy Pelosi to keep us alive. The House Speaker passed $8.3 billion in emergency aid Wednesday to combat coronavirus, which is significantly more than the White House proposed last month. I guess Donald Trump thinks you can cure the virus with some Robitussin and a "hunch."
From the New York Times:
The measure would provide $6.5 billion for [the Department of Health and Human Services], with $2.2 billion designated specifically for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, $3.1 billion for the Public Health and Social Services Emergency Fund and $836 million for the National Institutes of Health.
The spending package was approved 415 to 2. Republicans Andy Biggs of Arizona and Ken Buck of Colorado voted against the package. It's unclear why. You'd assume no one is "pro" coronavirus, but we also thought no one would vote for Trump in 2016. Conventional wisdom is off the table these days. Maybe the measure had a mandatory same-sex kissing amendment. Pelosi is sneaky! The GOP reps might've thought it was yet another article of impeachment.
Biggs has an explanation, though. America needs to tighten its belt during a global pandemic. He was on board with Trump's request for a piddling $2.5 billion, which is less than what Trump personally lost during the 1980s.
BIGGS: The Trump administration has been taking great steps and that's why we have a very low rate of infection.
Whoa, there, pardner, we don't actually know the true rate of infection, because the testing procedures are for shit. (I'm gonna link to my boy Dok Zoom again.) Try not to lie on national TV, Congressman — although you are on Fox News so that might be physically impossible.
BIGGS: Second of all, the administration asked for $2.5 billion.
Yes, it did. Until you can locate one non-moron who works there, I'm not going to trust the Trump administration over Nancy Pelosi. The House measure designates $3 billion for "research and development of vaccines, therapeutics and diagnostics to treat or prevent the spread of the coronavirus." That sounds like a solid use of taxpayer dollars.
Biggs complained that Democrats "politicized" the coronavirus and asked for a crazy-talking amount of $14 billion before it was talked back down to the current $8.3 billion. That was still too much for Mr. Fiscal Conservative.
Buck, the other goofball who voted "no," joined Biggs in describing the bill as "bloated." That's such tired 1980s Republican speak. Give us some new material, you embarrassing, Fozzie Bear hacks.
BUCK: The administration asked for $2.5 billion.
This administration also requested $15 billion for a goddamn Space Force. We cannot trust their priorities.
BUCK: The Democrats decided to add all kinds of things. They thought it was Christmastime.
What kind of freaky-ass Christmases did Buck have growing up? "Wow, Mom and Dad, you got me that infectious disease funding I asked for! This is even better than the socks and underwear!" Buck did vote against funding Trump's WALL, but I thought he just didn't want to waste money on objectively stupid things. I guess he just doesn't want to spend money at all. He's one of those intellectually consistent fiscal conservatives who'll let us all die but feel he's maintained the moral high ground.
Oregon Republican Greg Walden talked some sense when he said, "I don't think this is the time to hesitate and wrangle over how to pay for something as acute to public health as this is." Ya think?
The Senate passed the spending package Thursday 96 to 1. Yeah, there's always someone. If you'd guessed the abstaining asshole was Rand Paul, you know him as well as his neighbor. Senators had rejected Paul's amendment that would've offset the cost of the package with cuts — glorious cuts — to other parts of the government. The Space Force remains intact.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).