Tim Tebow Will Not Do Home Runs To Sexy Girlfriend Ladies

No sex, no football career boo hoo hoo.

Tim Tebow is so good at football that nobody will let him play, probably because they're intimidated. (Haha, just kidding, they won't let him play because he is bad at footballing.) If you'll remember, he's sort of a hero to the religious right, because while he fails repeatedly on the astroturf, know what turf he'll never fail on, because he won't even touch it? That's right, it is LADY TURF. He is protecting his Tebow-ner, because it belongs to Jesus, NO GIRLS ALLOWED.

And apparently he just got dumped by a verified beauty queen, Olivia Culpo, who used to be Miss USA. And why did she kick him to the curb? Because he's a loser who won't stick it in, and guys like that are creepy. Say a funny to kick us off, New York Daily News:

For once, it's not Tim Tebow who's having trouble scoring - it's his girlfriend.

Confidenti@l is told the QB's model squeeze Olivia Culpo has dumped him after a two-month relationship - because he won't have sex with her.

And apparently Culpo, like, REALLY liked him! He would send her "love letters and cute notes" and say he was gay for her, and she'd be like "STICK IT IN, FUCKHEAD!" and he would text back, "Sorry, but Jesus is holding my penis for me until I'm married." (Allegedly.)

This beauty queen lady has gotten famous virgin men to take her to the bone zone before, because it was she who took Nick Jonas's flower:

Perhaps Culpo had hoped she could help the free agent - who played for the Jets in 2012 - to have a romantic revelation like she did for ex Nick Jonas, who famously wore a "promise ring," swearing off sex before marriage.

The pair started dating in the summer of 2013, and by September 2014 the one-time Jonas Brothers member told HuffPo Live that he had taken the ring off.

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See, she was just trying to do a mitzvah, and make Tim Tebow not so lame anymore. It's gotta suck being SO BAD AT FOOTBALL, and also having to live every day knowing that if you actually wait until heterosexual Christian marriage, science says you are probably going to be so bad at boning, your wife will giggle at your little Christian weenus as it flippity-flops this way and that, utterly clueless as to which goalposts it's supposed to go through.

Oh, and also you're probably a big gay homosexual if you are that good at saving it for marriage, we are just saying. Maybe that's why Tebow hangs out with those burly bearded "Duck Dynasty" guys so much. Maybe he wants to paint on some Bible verse eyeblack and get down on one knee on the field with those guys, if you know what we are insinuating. (It is about dick-sucking!)

Anyway, we should stop teasing. Always saying "Not right now, honey, I have a headache for Christ" is VERY important to Tebow. He's been outspoken since the beginning about how he promises not to sex anybody until he's married, and also how 'bortion is bad because what if you 'bort Tim Tebow on accident??? (Then you 'bort a virgin who is bad at football, that is "what if.")

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But unlike SOME abstinence advocates we know (Bristol Palin!) who've made MANY MONEYS off promoting No Sexytime while secretly tossing their legs in the air like they just don't care (bareback every time apparently!), we can at least commend Tebow for sticking to his guns and keeping his cock under lock and key because "principles."

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Maybe Tim and Bristol should date, and she wouldn't be preggers with God's babies so much! Nah, scratch that, Bristol prefers to get fucked on the regular, which is FINE, so STFU about us "slut-shaming" her. We are mad at her hypocrisy, that's all.

Anyway, screw Tim Tebow, except don't, because he doesn't like that.

[New York Daily News viaThe Daily Caller]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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