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What did Donald Trump, the hardly worker, do this weekend? Well, he went on Fox News, THAT'S WHAT.

Squatting next to a memorial to Abraham Lincoln, who was murdered by bullets, Trump said he's treated worse than Lincoln, who was murdered by bullets. Elsewhere in the Fox News "town hall," Trump said the Spanish flu of 1917 (it was in 1918) "probably ended the first World War." Just, you know, probably. It's a shame there exists no resource where President Brain Worms could look up something like that.

Trump also bragged — yes, bragged — about how many people have died of coronavirus in America. "I used to say 65,000 and now I'm saying 80 or 90 and it goes up and it goes up rapidly!" But it's still on the "lower end," Trump says, and even if ten million people die of COVID-19, he will still say it is on the "lower end," because how many people are there in America anyway? At least 10 billion, probably.

But that's enough of the Fox "town hall," as it was just Trump sating his salivating need for attention. It wasn't his REAL work this weekend.

Trump's REAL work was, um, well, it was tweeting. Specifically it was writing a new Trump Bible, about the plagues Trump has inflicted on America:


Um ... yeah ... OK ... well, that's fuckin' weird. And he clearly had help writing it, because of how all the words are spelled correctly. Maybe one of his rent-a-pastors helped him write a new Trump Bible, on the phone, with all the icky references to Jesus scribbled out.

And of course, Trump lost every shit in his shitty body over the video former president George W. Bush released about how we should all be together in the fight against the novel coronavirus. We are not here to argue about whether people should like W's video, as that is an argument for a different internet from the one you are on right now, but it does say something that Trump was this upset by a #NiceTimes video from the last illegitimately elected Republican president.

See, THAT is a tweet Trump wrote all by himself. The incorrect "bye," the incorrect capitalization of "Hoax." The whining about impeachment, which happened because Trump is a fucking criminal piece of shit, and no, Dubya didn't defend him then, because Dubya haaaaaaaaate him. And of course, Trump is upset because W's "we're all in this together" isn't even remotely a message about glorifying Dear Leader.

So put all of it together, and it's understandable why Donald Trump, the weakest ass chickenshit baby loser ever to squat in the Oval Office, would be upset by this video from a former president during a pandemic.

As for world leaders Trump does like, he grunted out a jizz-dribble right there in his underwear when he found out Kim Jong-un is still alive to write him beautiful love letters:

Gross.

Trump attacked MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace and called her a dog, because he is a sexist physically repulsive pig person who calls women "dogs":

Trump RTed that batshit DeAnna Lorraine bugfuck person he loves, the one who tried to run against Nancy Pelosi in California, the same person who's been spreading conspiracy theories about hospitals being empty in the time of coronavirus. Just look at this gem:

Cool. This is what your president is doing, America, while the world laughs at us.

The rest of the weekend was typical Trump farting around on Twitter while thousands of Americans gasp for their dying breaths. He lied about coronavirus testing capabilities for senators on "Capital Hill"; he lied about testing some more; he lied about the border wall; he RTed random morons with Twitter handles like "SexCounseling"; he lied about his loser shit response to coronavirus in January and February; he RTed whiny-ass whiners whining about Michael Flynn, including specific whines about Flynn being "framed" by those FBI agents who tricked him and forced him to lie by asking him a simple question; he whined about the "Russia hoax," with lots of extra !!!!!!!s and ?????????s.

And then there was this, where Trump RTed some absolute nobody claiming that "evidence has surfaced" showing that Barack Obama was "running the Russian hoax."

Trump RTed that absolute nobody a lot of times this weekend. You know, because Trump was so busy working.

He ass-licked his MAGA moron surrogate Michael Caputo, in response to Caputo first ass-licking him:

He RTed that weird gross unfuckable deplorable Dilbert guy Scott Adams, who put up a poll where the fourth choice was "Show results," which won the poll in a landslide:

Trump RTed a lot of Scott Adams tweets. Because Trump was working very hard, so he had time to do that.

He RTed a rando who said Trump was the best president for black people ever, while conceding that "Honest Abe" was OK for black folks, but definitely not as good as Trump.

Oh yeah, and Trump promoted the One America News Network, which is like if Fox News was only Jeanine Pirro and she only ate bath salts, a whole bunch of times.

He thanked the beautiful "boaters," because "boaters" needs "quotation marks," because the "president" is "functionally illiterate."

Trump also tweeted last night that he was with the TRUCKERS, because TRUCKERS goes in all caps, while "boaters" gets quotation marks, it is just the rules of writing in English, you wouldn't understand.

Finally, here is Trump alleging that he doesn't have "much time to sleep," on account of all this "work" he just can't stop doing.

Oh yeah, and Trump RTed himself a lot, because of how, on top of how he is scouring Twitter searching for people complimenting him, he also is scouring his own Twitter, to find times he thinks he was extra-brilliant, so that he may compliment himself.

Because it is now Monday, Trump doesn't have time to tweet, haha just kidding, here he is attacking MSNBC's Joe Scarborough and bringing up long-ago conspiracy theories, because we are guessing Joe Scarborough said something to hurt the president's feelings this morning.

There are currently 1.19 million (confirmed) cases of COVID-19 in the United States, which means there are many more unconfirmed. Almost 70,000 have now died, officially, which means there are many more deaths because of the undercounting problems.

And this pile of rotting garbage is president. Welcome to another week, America!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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