Time To Watch Republicans Sniff Donald Trump's Jockstrap Again: Your Debate Preview
Republican primary voters are ready for the big event!
HOORAY AND HALLELUJAH, it's the day absolutely everybody in the world has been waiting for, when the Republicans still running for president come together (again) to fight over how Donald Trump is just the meanest (yep!), and why is he winning (because you all suck MORE than he does, somehow), and maybe if we're REALLY NICE AND SUCK HIS PENIS REAL HARD TONIGHT we can get to be his vice president (Ted Cruz).
Are we excited? Sure, we are! It's not like our favoritest basketball team in the world is playing its first game of the season AT THE SAME TIME OR ANYTHING. (Go Grizz! Grit 'n' Grind!)
As always, you have questions, we have somewhat accurate answers:
Did you have to say the thing about sniffing Trump's jockstrap in the headline? Because we were eating breakfast, you know.
Yeah, whatever, we're sure your vegan kale Corn Flakes made a REAL mess on your mom's floor when you read that.
Who is in this debate?
All the usuals. Nothing's changed, except that dumb a-hole Scott Walker is gone, just like we predicted. Otherwise, it's the SAME MOTHERFUCKERS who have been in the Pull-Ups "I'm A Big Kid Now" debates since the beginning. Do we really have to type this? Fine: Trump, Carson, Rubio, Jebbers :(, The Girl, Cruz, Huckabee, Christie, Kasich, Paul.
We thought Jeb didn't wanna be president no more if people gonna keep bein' mean :(
He doesn't. Maybe he won't be able to figure out how to put his clothes on in time for the debate. Maybe he'll just yell (direct quote!), “Blah blah blah blah, that’s my answer, blah blah blah," and run straight into the ocean, dribbling poop down his leg like a common Bush sibling. You never can tell with Jeb!
Isn't Ben Carson the frontrunner now or something?
"Frontrunner." Let's not toss English words around so casually, please? Yes, for the first time ever, Carson is going into a debate as the leader in the most recent poll. Yr Wonkette is certain he will find a way to change that during tonight's debate.
Is there a kids' table debate still? Who's in it?
Bobby Jindal and his unhyphenated American Girl dolls, if he even decides to show up.
Stop fooling, Wonkette, this is serious!
No, dears, it really isn't.
Oh FINE, the other people in the kids' table debate are Rick Santorum, George Pataki, and Lindsey Graham, same as it's ever been ever since Carly lady-affirmative-actioned herself up the Republican stripper pole.
Why won't Bobby Jindal just take his loser ass and fuck right off, never to be seen again in American politics?
Because he sucks, sweethearts, and he doesn't even know it. Same goes for Santorum, Pataki and Graham.
What time is the debate on? And what channel? SEARCH THE INTERNET FOR US, WONKETTE, WE ARE LAZY PIG TROUGH PEOPLE COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO DO THINGS!
OK, so listen. The REAL debate, for non-Bobby Jindal Sucky McSucksters, starts at 8 PM Eastern, which is 7 PM Central, 5 PM Pacific, and we GUESS it starts at 6 PM in the pretend "Mountain Time Zone." The Bobby Jindal Plays With His Poo debate is at 6 PM Eastern.
As to the channel, it is on CNBC.
Excuse us, who or what is a "CNBC"?
It claims to be a channel. It also claims that it's just not that important FOR AMERICA for everyone to be able to watch this debate, so you can only see it if you're a cable subscriber, or your current sex friend lets you borrow their login information.
Yeah, we know. Wanna stick it to CNBC, right in its cable TV anushole? Sign up for a free 7-day trial for CNBC Pro and then cancel the motherfucker like a Bristol Palin wedding. REMEMBER to set an alarm on your Obamaphone so you don't accidentally get charged "money." When it asks your reason for cancellation, type the words "FUCK YOU IS WHY, LOVE WONKETTE."
Will there be liveblogging?
Fuck off. (And come back tonight for live-blogging!)
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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