We go now to Paint Chip Central, where the usual cast of maniacs and rape-apologists are at DEFCON 1!!!!!!!1!!!1! How dare these women accuse Brett Kavanaugh, patron saint of beer brawls, of sexual misconduct. Should the youthful hijinks of a healthy, red-blooded young white man be used to deprive him of a seat on the nation's highest court? Have these hussies NO SHAME?

What crackpot theories are bubbling up from the 4Chan sewer to be bottled by the fringe loons at the Federalist and National Review, then greedily slurped down -- with a straw, suck it libs! -- by the Fox freaks, and finally served up as a respectable cocktail by Byron York at the Washington Examiner?

Our Cletus McRapington the Fourth Safari begins at The Federalist, who can't be bothered with bullshit anymore. Team Rape Judge, FTW!

Yes, tell us please why justice can only be served by putting a rapist on the Supreme Court.

First, on Ford's allegation: if we examine the claim using the mutually exclusive, collectively exhaustive principle (MECE), we are left with four logical options:

Oh, Lord, with the MRA-speak. Can we get some more faux-lawyer arglebargle on "The Butterfly Effect of Weaponizing Unproven Allegations"? (We shit you not.)

I humbly submit there is only one decision to make from a moral standpoint, and that is to confirm Kavanaugh. The U.S. judicial system was founded on the core principle that defendants carry a presumption of innocence. To abandon this ideal would mean an embrace of Stalinist, mob "justice."

Not for nothing, but Kavanaugh's not a defendant; he's a job applicant. Who wrote this horseshit anyway? Which "author" should the coven beat to death with a copy of The Communist Manifesto while free-bleeding and chanting May Day anthems?

UH HUH. Okay, "Soren," so you shelve books in the Oberlin College library. Movin' on.

Next up, the National Review, which at least has the courtesy to hire writers who can craft coherent sentences. The sentences are all Whataboutist nonsense, but at least they flow! Yes, Victor Davis Hanson has thoughts on the Kavanaugh hearings, a white-hot forge from which His Honor will emerge stronger than ever.

Conventional wisdom suggests that, if confirmed, Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh forever will be "smeared" and stained by past frenzied unfounded allegations of sexual assault.

Yet the opposite just as well may be true. As a Supreme Court justice, Kavanaugh would have withstood every imaginable smear and slander and yet stayed defiant in defending his character and past, proof of both his determination and principles. His near-solitary rebuttal to his Senate accusers may suggest that Kavanaugh could prove to be among the most fearless justices on the Court.

As proof of this theory, Hanson cites Justice Thomas, who rose above a bruising confirmation hearing, and about whom no foul word was ever heard again. Or something.

Hanson goes on to explain that sexual assault accusers may have a hard time at first, but if you take the long view, it usually works out great for them.

No doubt, in the short term, perhaps the attention is adverse. In the long-term calculus of progressive politics, however, the assured public recognition can lead to career enhancements and publicity that are hardly negative, especially if one, in Joan of Arc fashion, is seen as the person who saved, or at least attempted to save, the progressive community from a conservative such as Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

And then he gets down to the real business of sliming Democrats. Cory Booker maybe an Ivy League-educated Rhodes scholar, "but such résumé entries only remind us how empty many elite CVs have become." Elizabeth Warren is a fake Indian, Dianne Feinstein withheld Dr. Blasey's letter in some inexplicably inappropriate fashion, and Joe Biden is a plagiarist, so ipso facto res ipsa loquitur Brett Kavanaugh can't possibly be a rapist. And if Donald Trump's playbook calls for extra slagging of Senator Richard Blumenthal, then Victor Davis Hanson is happy to oblige.

Senator Richard Blumenthal often seems a troubled, sad figure. Every time he warned Judge Kavanaugh of the consequences of lying, he seemed to be subconsciously referring to his own fabricated alter ego as a Vietnam War combat veteran. Or as the pretentious Blumenthal put it at the Kavanaugh–Ford hearing: "falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus" (false in one matter = false in all matters). Yet, if Kavanaugh had wished to show off his own Latin in replying to Blumenthal, he might have used the more appropriate line from Horace: Mutato nomine de te fabula narrator (change only the name and the story is about you).

Does it really matter what Kavanaugh did or didn't do when his accusers are also flawed? If Kavanaugh is a drunken rapist, well isn't that more of a felix culpa?

Let's move to the lunatic gibberish of the vox populi at Fox for an introduction to the Hypnosis Hypothesis.

Thanks Media Matters for flagging the beginning of the theory that Dr. Blasey was somehow hypnotized into thinking that Kavanaugh attacked her.

JEANINE PIRRO: This is worrisome, it means that people will make up stories.

SEAN HANNITY : My understanding is, didn't they say that this came out for the first time in couples therapy in 2012?

PIRRO: Yeah and what was that about, and when was the first time Kavanaugh's name came up? And what about, is this hypnosis? Is this confabulation? This is all stuff that is contrary to what the law calls for.

That was on September 20, but looks to be headed into heavy rotation now that wingnut gadfly Margot Cleveland has dug up a paper on hypnosis from 2008 on which Dr. Blasey was the ninth named author.

Check and mate, Libs! Now, Cleveland is a respectable person, so she saves the really crazy shit for Twitter. But she does have an article at the NRO just asking if there's something hinky in the extended set of therapy notes that Dr. Blasey refused to hand over to the Judiciary Committee. Maybe a session where she confessed to hypnotizing herself to create a false memory of being thrown on the bed with Brett Kavanaugh's hand on her mouth as Mike Judge blocked the door and laughed? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

Or perhaps this is all an episode of mania triggered by longterm exposure to aluminum from the foil hat and earplugs Margot Cleveland uses to block the UFOs who are trying to stealing her memories. It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

[The Federalist / National Review / Media Matters ]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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