Today Is A Good Day To Tell Bill Barr To Go F*ck Himself

Raise your hand if you want to get seething mad at Attorney General Bill Barr today! If your hand is raised, you are in luck, because he said two really fucked up things yesterday afternoon during a press statement in Edgefield, South Carolina. One was about how the rule of law can go get fucked in the ear, because he's going to help Donald Trump add bigotry and racism to the Census no matter what the dumb stinky (Republican) Supreme Court says. The other was this thing, where he practically BEGGED Robert Mueller not to testify as scheduled for Congress next week:

I was disappointed to see him subpoenaed because I don't think that serves any important purpose dragging Bob Mueller up, if he in fact is going to stick to the report. It seems to me the only reason for doing that is to create a public spectacle, and if Bob decides that he doesn't want to be subject to that, then the Department of Justice would certainly back him.


Bill Barr has this "aw shucks, I'm just tryin' to be practical" demeanor when he's trying to justify doing cover-ups for Donald Trump, and it is not cute. We are just saying.

Also not cute is Barr's obvious concern trolling, as if Robert Mueller really wants the guy who lied and covered up THE ACTUAL FINDINGS of Mueller's report, in service of a criminal president, to protect him from the big meany Congress. Testifying publicly for Congress may not have been Mueller's first choice, but he, unlike Bill Barr, is a patriot, and will go do his duty.

As for Congress creating a "public spectacle," Bill Barr may be too stupid to understand this, but it doesn't matter if Mueller's testimony stays within the confines of his report, as he made pretty clear that it would. (Barr is not too stupid to understand this.) The entire reason it's necessary for Mueller to breathe life into his own findings, even if he just fucking reads the goddamned thing on national TV, is that most Americans still haven't read it, and therefore do not know just how much collusion and obstruction is in there, or just how bad it makes President CrimeYap look. (Wonkette knows. We read it all. We also saw what happened when Mueller came out and spoke for 10 minutes and merely confirmed the actual top line findings of his investigation live and on camera. Hint: SOME Fox Newsers were forced to tell their viewers that ACTUALLY the Mueller Report didn't clear Donald Trump at all, which was exactly the first time they'd said so.)

Of course, that's exactly what Barr is afraid of, and in case you couldn't tell from watching that video clip above, Barr is fucking FREAKED. He knows that not only will his shithole boss be exposed as a criminal and a liar for hours on end the day Mueller testifies, but also that he himself will be exposed as his boss's pitiful and sad errand boy, a very old man willing to throw his entire reputation (such as it was) to hell, by lying to the American people and saying, "NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION!"

In other words, the lie he was hired to tell.

Need more evidence that Mueller's testimony is absolutely essential? Politico has a new collection of quotes from GOP lawmakers admitting that OH FIDDLESTICKS, they guess they have to admit they haven't gotten around to reading the Mueller Report, thank goodness that's not part of their jobs or anything. Like Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina, who was standing on the other side of Barr from Lindsey Graham, Trump's first and bestest errand boy, in the clip above:

"What's the point?" said Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.), who like many other lawmakers recently interviewed in the Capitol acknowledged they hadn't completed their own comprehensive read.

Dunno, fuckhead, when the most highly respected Republican FBI director in recent memory is appointed to investigate the greatest attack on American free and fair elections by an adversary in our history, finds that Russia conducted a "sweeping and systematic" (and successful!) campaign in order to install its preferred Dear Leader, and concludes that said candidate just LOVED that attack, maybe it seems like something that's worth reading? But only if you love America, so no pressure, Senator.

Lisa Murkowski is also too busy and apparently has gone this entire time as a senator without hiring a staff to help brief her on shit she needs to know:

"It's tedious," said Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), who has a copy of Mueller's work in a large stack of things she turns to for her daily reading.

We're ... sorry a detailed account of an attack on our country is too boring for you, Murk?

She said she started right away on the report's first volume detailing the Trump campaign's contacts with Russians while on a trip to Vietnam, and as of late June she was still plugging along. "In fairness, I haven't picked it up in at least two weeks."

Elizabeth Warren read it the day it came out. All of it. It was kind of important.

"I've got a lot on my reading list," Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.) said as he explained why he's avoided one of the most highly anticipated reports in recent American history.

Those Reader's Digests on the potty aren't gonna read theirselves, are they, Congressman?

Lest you think Politico only found Republicans who haven't made it through the 448 pages of Mueller's report, they found Democrats too. Of course, the Dems sounded more like adults when explaining why they were not ready to give their book reports on the Mueller Report:

"I'd be pretty reckless to say I have a full comprehension," said Rep. David Price (D-N.C.). "I need to spend some more time with it."

Yeah, well Wonkette has HANDY NEWS TO REPORT, and it is that Robert Swan Mueller III, the guy who wrote the thing, is coming to Congress IN THE FLESH on July 17 to talk about what he wrote in the thing, and it is going to be on every TV station in the land for WEEKS afterward, if it lands like we think it's going to land.

So maybe that will be helpful for the American people, and for Congress, which is apparently planning to get around to reading the Mueller Report once they are done binging the new season of "Stranger Things."


The point of this post is that Bill Barr is, as usual, invited to go fuck himself, because Robert Mueller is gonna do it live, and YOU CAN'T STOP HIM.

Put that turd in your cereal bowl and eat it.



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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