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The real mystery is who's arming them.


With six gun attacks by toddlers on Americans in the last week, the number of deaths and injuries (five deaths, one injury) caused by armed children now exceeds the number of Americans (four) killed in the terrorist attacks in Brussels. And yet Donald Trump has remained silent on the wave of killings. Shouldn't he at least announce a ban on toddlers coming into the country until Congress figures out what the hell is going on? The Census Bureau estimates that there were nearly four million births in 2013, so even accounting for attrition as they blow themselves and each other away, that's surely a much greater threat than the annual 250,000 Muslim migrants to the USA that has Breitbart freaking out.

This is not about fear-mongering. This is about math. Toddlers are killing Americans at record rates, and no one is making any effort to stop them. Just look at the evidence that a deadly armed threat is adorably stomping around in onesies, smiling and drooling, saying "Mama," and waiting for the chance to kill us and our children, who are often themselves:

  • In Grout Township, Michigan, Wednesday, a three-year-old boy "found a gun" at his home and it somehow went off, injuring the boy in the arm. The boy's father "could face a misdemeanor charge for leaving his gun where his son could get to it."
  • In Indianapolis last Wednesday, a two-year-old boy found a .380 Bersa semi-automatic pistol in his mother's purse on a kitchen counter while she wasn't watching him, and fatally shot himself in the shoulder. Emergency responders were unable to revive the child, who was pronounced dead at a hospital. Happily, the mother had a permit for the gun.
  • Last Friday in Natchitoches, Louisiana, a three-year-old "found a pistol and accidentally shot himself once in the head," killing himself immediately. The boy's mother's boyfriend, Alverious Demars, 22, was charged with one count of negligent homicide and one count of obstruction of justice after hiding the gun following the shooting in an attempt to cover up the child's self-murderous rampage.
  • Last Thursday in Kansas City, Missouri, a two-year-old girl fatally shot herself in the head with a gun she found while her father and three-year-old brother were asleep. 24-year-old Courtenay Shaquel Block was charged with second degree murder, first degree endangering the welfare of a minor, neglect of a child resulting in death, and tampering with evidence after he hid the gun in a bathroom floor vent. He was also charged with possession of marijuana, because in Kansas City, the police are thorough.
  • In Paulding County, Georgia, Tuesday morning, a three-year-old boy found a .380 caliber semi-automatic pistol belonging to his father and fatally shot himself in the chest; details on where in the home the gun was located have not been released. No charges have been filed, although the case is still under investigation. A GoFundMe page has been set up to help the family.
  • In what may be the most spectacular assault by a terrorist child this week, 26-year-old Patrice Price in Milwaukee was shot to death Tuesday by her two-year-old as she was driving a car belonging to her boyfriend, a security guard. A Milwaukee County Sheriff's Office press release explained

    According to witness accounts, Price’s 2 ½-year-old child was in the back seat, retrieved a firearm that slid out from under the driver’s seat and shot through the seat, striking the driver ... The driver’s mother and one-year-old child were in the front passenger seat.

    It's unclear whether the child was in a car seat, but it seems unlikely since he was able to reach the gun, which was in a gun belt, on the floor. Ms. Price's brother described her as "the best mom for her kids, put clothes on their back."

Virtually every press report on the shootings cited law enforcement sources emphasizing the importance of keeping firearms secured with ammunition stored separately, and of teaching children not to touch guns. Guess that terrific "Eddie Eagle" safety campaign from the NRA still has a little ways to go. The group EveryTown for Gun Safety has tallied 77 shootings involving children under the age of 18 so far in 2016. And yet Donald Trump and Ted Cruz refuse to do anything to stop the bloodthirsty rampages by toddlers against themselves and their own parents.

Still, one must note that really, a few dead kids is nothing compared to the hypothetical need for armed Americans to overthrow a tyrannical government that tries to take our guns away, or force us to take gun safety classes, or store our guns safely. Also, as a genius replied to the tweet that first brought this week's carnage to our attention, if people really cared about children, they'd ban bedding, plastic bags, and transportation, which kill far more children, so there:

Of course, when cribs and vehicles and bedding are shown to pose a safety hazard, the Consumer Product Safety Commission or the National Highway Safety Administration can set and enforce safety standards, and mandate a product recall. And yet if a state attempts to mandate safe storage of handguns, it's an Unconstitutional Infringement on our Most Basic Freedom. You'd almost think the comparison chart is misleading in that respect.

In any case, we certainly need to do something about this epidemic of armed attacks by toddlers. We're calling on law enforcement agencies to investigate areas where they gather, monitor their activities, and work to keep our children safe from these tiny terrorists. In a sane society, we'd take steps to eliminate the threat. Perhaps detention camps for toddlers are the answer.

[Christopher Ingram on Twitter / CNN / 9 and 10 News / NewsEveryDay / WaPo / KSLA / FoxKC / Atlanta Journal-Constitution / WaPo / Everytown for Gun Safety]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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