Toe-Tapping Sen. Larry Craig Liked His Manwhores Butch (No Femmes, No Asians, No Fats)
Well, well, well, your favorite former senator, the "Larry Craig" one who liked to teabag you with his "wide stance" in the men's room at the airport, is back in the news! You remember him. He is the one who was 100 percent certain that the homosexuals were NOT sucking his cock, because he was married, to a lady! And now we know what his Grindr profile would have looked like, if Grindr had existed back when he was the man-sexing, closeted senator from Idaho. Instead, Craig had to hire man-hookers, ALLEGEDLY, from a man called Henry Vinson, who has written a tell-all book about his time being a Hoor Pimper for the gays:
In his recently released book, “Confessions of a D.C. Madam: The Politics of Sex, Lies, and Blackmail,” Vinson, with the help of co-author Nick Bryant, recounts how a shy, gay man from Mingo County found himself operating “the largest gay escort service in Washington, D.C.” and recounts the events that led to his incarceration. [...]
Then-U.S. Rep. Larry Craig of Idaho, he writes, “became a frequent flier of my escort service” and “preferred escorts who were quite masculine.”
He just wanted to do typical guy stuff, probably. Watch sports, maybe a little cuddle, jerk each other off while playing beer pong, DISCREETLY. And if you know anything about the Larry Craig "type" on Grindr -- the closeted, married, Republican senator type, they are EVERYWHERE -- you know what we are talking about. They are all "straight-acting," they are only interested in guys who are "masc," because they believe that they are very, very "masc," even if they are, in reality, big sissy dandy-nancy boys. Oh, and instead of just self-selecting people they are interested in, they very often feel compelled to note that they are NOT into blacks, Asians, fats and femmes. So don't message your closeted Republican senator, if you are one of those things!
It's just sad that Larry Craig lived in an era where he couldn't say those things on his iPhone, but instead had to beep it out the old-fashioned way, in Morse Code, in a telegraph sent to a licensed distributor of man-hookers. Or by tapping his toes, in the bathroom stall next to you, at the Minneapolis airport. SPOILER ALERT: the translation of Craig's toe-tapping Morse Code was always "need ur dik."
He probably has Grindr now, though, so if you are an Idaho gay who wants to do journalism for yr Wonkette, please find Larry Craig and message him on there, screencap everything that happens, and email it to Wonkette's Idaho Correspondent, Doktor Zoom, because God knows we don't want to see it.