Move over, perennial Senate's Dumbest Republican title-holder Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, and back the fuck off, Tennessee's twin MENSA wizards Marsha Blackburn and Bill Hagerty.

Tommy Tuberville, the senator from Auburn, is in town, and he'd like to tell you why he can't comment on all this Marjorie Taylor Greene hullaballoo:

"I haven't even looked at what all she's done," he told the CNN producer Ted Barrett. "I'd have to hold back a statement on that. Travel in this weather it's been a little rough looking at any news or whatever."

Oh, hard same. Can't tell you how many times we've been unable to Wonkette entirely because of all this snow. Or rain. Or whatever weather there is. "Can't look at the news today, Rebecca, on account of this righteous gullywasher we're havin'," that's a thing we say to the Editrix on most days.

We are going to charitably assume Tuberville is just dumb as dogshit in springtime and therefore unable to think on his feet like other elected Republicans do when they're asked about things like Donald Trump's tweets (you know, back in the day when he was permitted to use Twitter) or Marjorie Taylor Greene thinking 9/11 is fake and school shootings are fake and Jewish Space Lasers are real and Democratic elected officials should be executed.

Otherwise we'd have to take him literally that he's unable to read the news when there's a storm outside. That sounds like some sort of medical condition a licensed veterinarian would need to look at. Does he get all anxious because of a drop in air pressure? Does coach need a ThunderShirt?


Of course, ever since Tuberville was elected, it's been clear there's a desolate windstorm in the man's brain, and little else. Just after the Capitol riots, Tuberville, who voted like a little reliable Trump fluffer to overthrow democracy on January 6, and who hobnobbed with the prime inciters of the terrorist attack the night before at the Trump hotel, thought maybe we could just postpone the inauguration. Why not just have a "swearing in" on the 20th of January, and wait a while for the "inauguration"? The 20th Amendment to the US Constitution disagrees.

But that one's sort of open to interpretation, and the senator's office says he was just worried about COVID. It's OK, he's said far dumber shit.

Like the time he extolled the bravery of his Daddy, who fought in World War II, "liberating Paris from socialism and communism." He also has said his Daddy "fought 76 years ago in Europe to free Europe of socialism." Apparently it wasn't just Paris.

Or that time he thought the three branches of the US government are the "House, the Senate and Executive." Just prior to that, in the same interview, he claimed "our government wasn't set up for one group to have all three of branches of government." You know, the House and the Senate and the Executive. Those three branches. Which weren't set up that way.

Or that time Tuberville, the senator from Alabama, attempted to explain what the Voting Rights Act is:

"The thing about the Voting Rights Act is, you know, there's a lot of different things you can look at it as. Who is it going to help? What direction do we need to go with it? I think it's important that everything we do we keep secure. We keep an eye on it. It's run by our government," Tuberville said, according to the recording from a rotary club meeting.

No, we are not fucking shitting you. About any of this.

Watch your back, Ron Johnson, because here comes Coach Senator Tubby, gon' steal that Dumbest Republican football right outta your hand! And probably throw it into Vanderbilt's endzone somehow!

Bless this man's heart, OPEN THREAD.

[Business Insider / AP]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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