Donate

Tonight's Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know

News

Tonight will be very exciting for the fancy elitists in our country who can locate the night sky: For the first time in four centuries, a total lunar eclipse will also mark the Winter Solstice. Also, it's a Full Moon! And there's a meteor shower tonight, too! This combination of science and paganism is exactly what the Baby Jesus fears the most this time of year -- and America can hardly afford to have its national religious-consumer holiday spoiled by potentially Islamic forces of Nature. As always in our fragile nation, the crucial thing is to not bedistracted by what's going on all around us, because the American Way is to instead create some unpleasant diversion until "the threat passes" or everyone currently alive is dead. That's why we've prepared this handy chart to help you prepare for tonight's astronomical violence.


According to news reports with no references for the figures they vomit out, tonight's combination of the full lunar eclipse and solstice is the first in either 372 years or 456 years. Who knows, right? Whatever the case may be, we can be assured that John McCain was just a baby pooping on himself the last time this happened, so in many ways tonight is history repeating.

But the important thing is to protect yourself from frightening things happening outside in space. So print 'n save this handy chart and you just might live to see "real Christmas."

$
Donate with CC

Well, lordy Jesus, that was 10 minutes of our life we're never going to get back.

A few minutes ago, all the reporters on Twitter started saying, "Um, we are getting called to the Rose Garden and we don't know why." Democrats were supposed to be meeting with Trump about Infrastructure Week, but instead, this was happening:

Hooray! There was a sign in the Rose Garden! It said how big the Mueller Investigation was! And most importantly the Mueller Investigation said NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, PREZNIT TRUMP GOOD, NOT A RUSSIAN.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Alex Díaz de la Portilla on Facebook

Alex Díaz de la Portilla, former Florida Republican state senator, is in hot water over a leaked WhatsApp chat log that appears to show campaign workers chatting about destroying or disappearing absentee ballots filled out for the candidate's opponent in the nonpartisan county election, according to the Miami New Times. Díaz de la Portilla ultimately came in third in the May 2018 special election for a seat on the Miami-Dade County Commission, so even if some of his people did deep-six some ballots, it didn't apparently help him. Clearly, these pikers could have learned a lot from the experts in North Carolina about electoral fuckery.

Still, you have to appreciate just how brilliantly Díaz de la Portilla plays the role of a local pol accused of just a teensy bit of ratfucking.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc