Trump, China Have Such Perfect Call No One Can Ever Hear It Until Heat Death Of Universe

One of these days Wonkette is going to make a joke about Donald Trump doing something so gross, so stupid, so traitor-y, that it won't come true 24 hours later when reporters confirm that the thing Wonkette was JOKING ABOUT literally actually happened. We'll let you know when that day comes.

Right now, we'll just say, yet again, that we CALLED IT. In our story about Trump standing on the White House lawn and soliciting China for electoral favors, we noted that Trump said he had not specifically asked Chinese President Xi Jinping to investigate Joe Biden, but that maybe they should look into that. We said either that's a true statement, or he's lying and the evidence is locked in the secret Bin Laden server that's supposed to be used for our nation's most closely guarded secrets, but in the Trump White House is instead used for when Trump takes a traitor dump all over a call with a foreign leader and they don't want the American people to know about it.

Well, the few people who have access to that server, and/or have been present for those calls, are LEAKIN' BABY, and CNN is reporting that Trump indeed has talked about Joe Biden with President Xi. Not only that, but he's mentioned Elizabeth Warren! And yes, the call was stashed on the secret server.

During a phone call with Xi on June 18, Trump raised Biden's political prospects as well as those of Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who by then had started rising in the polls, according to two people familiar with the discussion.

Of course he did. It's not clear whether he begged the Chinese to investigate Biden, or wanted them to look into whether Elizabeth Warren might have any embarrassing secrets in her past, possibly about how she fucks strapping Marines to death and discards them like so many Trump used Big Mac wrappers, but then they got better. But he talked about it! We bet he said something in a mob-type way that communicated that he'd really like Xi to find something, but unlike with the Ukrainian leader, Trump is the weaker party in a call with Xi, and Xi knows it, so who knows how far it went.

White House communications director Stephanie Grisham managed to find time in her very busy job to give CNN a statement saying all this is fine, after which we are guessing she had to hang up with CNN because AAA was there to tow her car out of the ditch, ALLEGEDLY.

China's response to all this, so far, has been to tell Trump to fuck off, but don't worry, CNN reports the Chinese are at least asking if he really means it:

One Trump ally outside the White House described receiving a message from Chinese government officials asking if Trump was serious when he suggested China open an investigation into Biden. The response: investigating corruption is an easy way to earn goodwill with Trump.

And "investigating corruption" is code for "investigate mine enemies," because Trump can't win in 2020 without foreign interference (couldn't do it in 2016 either), and also he doesn't actually give a shit about "corruption." He is corruption.

CNN also reports that Trump said something to Xi that is, to our patriotic eyes, far worse:

In that call, Trump also told Xi he would remain quiet on Hong Kong protests as trade talks progressed.


You know, we're fully aware Donald Trump doesn't give a shit about democracy, in America or anywhere else. He cuddles with dictators, pisses on human rights at home and abroad, and doesn't even pay lip service to the idea that American ideals should be spread around the globe. In that way, and in all the other ways, he is the most un-American president we have ever had.

But GOOD FUCKING GOD, MAN. Millions of people are taking to the streets every weekend in Hong Kong and standing up for their rights before a dictatorship, something truly historic is happening there, and our pissant little shitbaby president can't even bring himself to say, "Hey maybe don't do another Tiananmen Square to them." A real president -- of either party! -- would be directing America's eyes toward Hong Kong every time they looked at a camera, so we could at least thoughts 'n' prayers in support and pretend we believe in this whole "America" thing we're always talking about.

Not this asshole.

And for WHAT? The stupid goddamn trade war that President Art Of The Deal is incapable of making a deal on? LOL OK, tough guy. As we said yesterday, we don't have the foggiest idea why Trump would think China would want to help him in any way, aside from the Occam's Razor answer that yes he is that stupid. His dumbass tariffs have wrecked their economy and everybody in the world hates him and laughs at him so much. China is just waiting for the American people to make a better choice in November 2020 -- it's the one kind of democracy they believe in, apparently! -- and then maybe they can deal with America.

Elizabeth Warren doesn't give a shit about Trump talking about her with President Xi, but she responded to the Hong Kong part:

And then she linked to the article she wrote in Foreign Policy (of course she did) about how it's time for America to stand up to China vis-à-vis Hong Kong. You should read it, in order to see what a real president might look like. (One who outfucks MARINES! Just kidding.)

CNN has followed up with much more on the repercussions of Trump selling out Hong Kong because he doesn't give a shit, so check that out if you'd like.

In summary and in conclusion, we are really enjoying learning about all the traitor behavior hidden on Trump's secret Bin Laden server, so whichever Deep State is leaking all of this, next we would like to hear about his calls with Saudi Arabia, where he told murder prince Mohammad bin Salman that it's totally fine with him if they murder Washington Post journalists, because they are FAKE NEWS.

You know, allegedly.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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