Oh, no, Tucker Carlson is going to be so scared and threatened next time he has to pee when he's in the White House! Talking Points Memo reports that, in keeping with the Obama administration's constant obsession with destroying the traditional family, the White House will be installing a gender-neutral bathroom onsite:

“The White House allows staff and guests to use restrooms consistent with their gender identity, which is in keeping with the administration’s existing legal guidance on this issue and consistent with what is required by the executive order that took effect today for federal contractors,” the spokesperson said.

The move to install gender-neutral bathrooms comes in the aftermath of Obama's executive order from June, which prohibited discrimination against federal workers on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.

Before we examine Tucker Carlson's predicament in further detail, we should acknowledge that Phyllis Schlafly is going to lose her shit over this too. If you'll remember, Mother Schlafly INVENTED bathroom panic, with her decade-long opposition to the simple and harmless Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) in the 1970's. As the New York Timesexplains, what was once an easy sell -- "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex" -- ended up dying a painful death, because Schlafly managed, with her activism, to make the amendment synonymous with "military conscription for 18-year-old girls, coed bathrooms and homosexual rights." Yeah, well, we don't have a Lady Draft, but we got all the rest of those things even WITHOUT the amendment! (So ... we can haz ERA now?) Mother Schlafly can rest easy knowing that her entire life's work is being unraveled right this moment, by a transgender person, taking a pee at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Which brings us to our more pressing concern! Imagine you are Tucker Carlson and you are at the White House. You JUST finished drinking a Four Loko or a bottle of Axe Body Spray or something, and even though your staff told you "hey Tucker, you might not want to drink that so fast, you don't wanna have to pee in that scary bathroom while we're here," you DIDN'T LISTEN. So now you're sitting there, clenching your buttcheeks and penis muscles, which you TOTALLY HAVE, doing a little pee-pee dance, because you know what's waiting if you give in and go in there.

He's been in situations like this, and it's shriveled his manhood right up each and every time. There was the time he was watching the Saturday Night Live and they were making fun of ISIS, and he stopped to think:  I, Tucker Carlson, would be laughing right now if they were instead making fun of transgender people engaging in the act of going potty! They could show somebody who looks like Tucker Carlson, walking from stall to stall, dick-checking each and every patron to make sure there's nothing in anybody's Down Theres that makes him uncomfortable. Haw haw, that would be a hilarious sketch!

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Oh yes, and there was that time Tucker Carlson was literally sexually assaulted in a men's room at Georgetown, because there was a gay dude who allegedly hit on him. While that is rude, of course, Carlson felt so threatened by it that he and one of his bro friends went back to beat the shit out of the guy. Because that's a normal reaction. He told this story on the television, and he laughed about it.

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We have said it before, but Tucker Carlson has Bathroom Issues. And he is a Very Serious Important Journalist who has to go to the White House sometimes! Won't the president think of that thing that may or may not happen to Tucker Carlson's penis when somebody else walks into the bathroom?

Please, Obama, don't do this to him. It's not worth ruining his last shred of dignity! Ha ha, just kidding, Tucker Carlson doesn't have dignity, let him piss his pants. We would say "Obama, don't do this to Phyllis Schlafly!," but by the time a Republican is in the White House again to invite her over to take a whiz, she'll probably be stone cold dead, so fuck her.

[Talking Points Memo]