Roy Moore's Lawyer Charged With DUI, Possession, & Representing Roy Moore
Ambulance chaser Trent Garmon was arrested last night, but perhaps more troubling for him is that the news articles refer to him as "Roy Moore's lawyer." You'd hope he'd have at least one other client more impressive than a failed Senate candidate who was banned from the mall.
Gadsden, Alabama, police charged Garmon with driving under the influence of controlled substances, second-degree possession of marijuana, and drug paraphernalia. When our car was recovered a couple years ago after it was stolen outside our house, the "drug paraphernalia" found inside was a crack pipe. We are NOT saying that Garmon was smoking crack or in possession of a crack pipe. We're just sharing our own traumatic experience.
Garmon is a terrible lawyer we've mocked often for his comical incompetence. He tried to sue the Washington Post for defamation because it accurately reported that Roy Moore existed, which proved fatal to his campaign. When not defending creepy old men who want to bang 14-year-olds, he's also defending the rights of religious bigots to bully and harass school kids who practice the "homosexual lifestyle" (and even those who are just naturals at it).
GARMON: The intent of the homosexual agenda is to have a protected class specifically for that type of a lifestyle and to tell teachers and administrators in schools that no one can talk about their sexual orientation. It would be like saying that an alcoholic or a drug addict should be protected from anyone talking about their alcohol problem or their drug problem.
We are petty enough to appreciate that Garmon was busted for a DUI a week into Pride month. He obviously supports our right to discuss his apparent issues with controlled substances, so we'll continue.
Remember when Garmon, a supposed grownup, called an unamused Don Lemon "Don Lemon Squeezy Keep It Easy"? That seemed weird -- like, maybe, he had a few too many before turning up at CNN studios. Also, if he doesn't approve of the "homosexual lifestyle," maybe he shouldn't give practicing homosexuals unsolicited pet names on live television. So many mixed signals!
Aside from Moore, Garmon's most prominent client is himself. He sued the Alabama Department of Public Safety after the department suspended his license. He'd been arrested in April 2018 and charged with a DUI in Florida, but "Don't Squeeze The Garmon" insisted that he's a "safe and competent driver" who was just "taking a nap on the side of the road."
"I will try that DUI if it is not lowered to reckless driving and I would only be pleading to reckless driving to make it go away given arriving safely to take a nap less than 200 yards from our home indicates that I was not reckless and was in fact taking a nap before meeting with company who was at our home," Garmon said in the affidavit.
LOL. So, dude was just taking a little power nap down the street from his own house. That's perfectly normal. He wasn't a threat to himself and others. He probably lived in a tiny studio apartment and he couldn't rest on his futon pullout because his guests were sitting on it.
Finally, in a crushing display of legal wizardry, Garmon pointed out that there was video of him "speaking coherently" and "walking a line without any issue," so he's not drunk, you're the drunk! Case dismissed.
Steve Martin Drunk Test-CLEAN
Garmon had his law license suspended for a few months in 2014 after he posed as a pastor and relative to hit up the grieving family of a 13-year-old who was killed in a car accident. A year later, he was passing himself off a a specialist in "botched abortion" cases. His humanity license is still revoked.
We hate to kick a bigot when he's down, but Moore might want to seek representation elsewhere. He could hire another fancy fake Jew lawyer who's actually Christian. They can't be that hard to find in Alabama.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.