GOP Rep. Troy Nehls Uses Science To Prove Capitol Police Lying About Spying On Him, MUST CREDIT SCIENCE

Conspiracy theories
GOP Rep. Troy Nehls Uses Science To Prove Capitol Police Lying About Spying On Him, MUST CREDIT SCIENCE

Have you heard the story of GOP Rep. Troy Nehls, the seditionist congressman who is absolutely definitely for sure you betcha no question about it being PERSECUTED by the Capitol Police, just because he is the toughest congressman with BIGGEST PENIS in the whole world, and the Capitol Police and Nancy Pelosi are scared of what he might reveal about the January 6 investigation? Well click here. We're not writing it all again. It's fuckin' weird, and it is at least conceivably possible that the man is full of shit and just a whinyass white conservative man from Texas whining like a whinyass white conservative man from Texas. Conceivably possible.

WE SAID CLICK HERE: Did Capitol Police Put Wire Tapps In GOP Rep. Troy Nehls's Underpants, Or Is He Just Babbling?

He has, after all, been whining about this everywhere there are whinyass white conservative men who will listen, up to and including the most high-pitched whinyass of them all, Tucker Carlson.

But here is a quick update.

To briefly recap one part of Nehls's allegations, he believes, or claims to believe, that the Capitol Police improperly entered his office in November of 2021 to do secret investigations on him, whereupon they found his whiteboard map of how to find the ice machine in the next building over. In response, the Capitol Police is like hey you stupid off-brand dildo, the door of your office was wide open and we went in and did a security check, like we'd do with anyone. Sorry we found your porn maps of how to find ice treasure!

The update is that the good congressman has completely proven the Capitol Police are lying, and here's why:

That's the door to his office. It automatically closes. How can door be open if it automatically closes? It is "Unsolved Mysteries" and "Dateline" all at once!

And that's why all of Twitter is sending the congressman from Mensa pictures of doorstops right now.

But it's fine. He's getting approving retweets from Marjorie Taylor Greene and other trolls who are stupid as he is, and they're all working themselves into a nice lather. He's going on every wingnut show and network there is, and he's getting famous, at least among the kind of reject-Americans who might be into a guy like that.

Eric Swalwell is making fun of him and calling him a nobody:

In a followup tweet, Swalwell says that Nehls is a "fired, disgraced cop," and shares what he says is the termination letter Nehls got from the Richmond, Texas, police department in 1998. Swalwell says maybe that's why dude doesn't like legit cops like the ones who protect the Capitol.

In a second followup tweet, Swalwell uses a lot of snowflake emojis and says, "These guys are the biggest babies. They cosplay as tough guys. But they cry more than my 3-month-old (and aren’t as cute)."

So, Congress is pretty awesome right now.

This story may have gotten 10 times more stupid by the time you read this, as we wrote it late Thursday night while we were watching the Olympics. You might want to check the dipshit's Twitter just in case.

We continue to wait with excitement for the real truth of this story to come out. Can't imagine we won't get to laugh at Troy Nehls a whole lot that day.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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