Trump Acting Like President Bannon Isn't Boss Of Him Is Cutest Thing You'll See All Day
Left: President of America, who called Jared a "cuck." Right: Some guy.
Donald Trump is out there being adorable in interviews again! No, we are not talking about how he joy-jizzed himself talking about what juicy chocolate cake he and China President were eating while he lobbed bombs at Iraq, he means Syria. We mean how Trump cannot stop going out and huffing and puffing about how Steve Bannon is not the real president of the United States, because Trump and only Trump is the boss. UH HUH OK CROWN PRINCE PUSSGRAB, that is very cute, but we know how things really are.
On Wednesday, we told you how Trump said to the New York Post that "I am my own strategist" and "I didn't even know Steve" before the campaign, and we were like, first of all, those are lies, and also we thought, "awwww, we bet a really cute game to play at the White House is called SHHHHH BE QUIET PRESIDENT TRUMP IS STRATEGIZING." And then everybody comes into the Oval Office when he's done and Trump is all
and Bannon and Conway say "YAYAYAYAY!" and clap, then they put Trump on his bed and turn on "Fox & Friends," and Bannon sits down in the Oval Office and does work.
At least we are PRETTY SURE that's how the White House has been run since the inauguration, right up to the point when Steve Bannon called Jared Kushner, the apple of Trump's eye, the son-in-law whose puss Trump would grab more often if it didn't make Ivanka so mad, a "cuck." You do not call your boss's daughter's husband a "cuck," which literally means a man who enjoys watching his wife get drilled by other dudes, and, again, in this case that wife who is getting drilled by other dudes is the boss's daughter. It is pretty much the first rule of all jobs.
So Trump did ANOTHER interview where he was like "GRRRR STEVE BANNON I AM THE BOSS OF THINGS," so we're pretty sure this whole "President Bannon" thing, about how Steve Bannon is the president of America, is getting under Trump's very thin skin.
The president [...] referred to Bannon, his chief strategist, as "a guy who works for me" and made clear that he was his own "strategist." Trump added that reports of feuds between Bannon and his son-in-law Jared Kushner were "overblown."
A guy who works for him? His chief strategist is merely a guy who works for him, and also Trump is his own strategist? SHIT. It's all fun and games until somebody calls Jared a "cuck," and uh oh, Steve Bannon did that!
From there, we travel to the Washington Post, which published a piece Wednesday night based on interviews with TWENTY-ONE SEPARATE SOURCES, who say Trump is so mad at Steve Bannon, for A) being the real president and B) calling Jared a "cuck." For instance:
The president’s comments were described by White House officials as a dressing-down and warning shot, though one Bannon friend, reflecting on them Wednesday, likened Bannon to a terminally ill family member who had been moved into hospice care.
Some of WaPo's sources say Trump is doing a "love pat" and raising his leg and marking his territory, by talking shit about Bannon to the newspapers. Others say it could be an "indirect firing" of Bannon. WHOA IF TRUE!
Now WaPo will tell us the part about how Trump is all mad and suddenly doing 180s on his foreign policy positions, away from Bannon and into the loving arms of Jared, because he's really upset about how we keep saying "President Bannon":
Bannon’s effective demotion began last week when he was removed from the National Security Council’s principals committee. But his real problems began much earlier. Trump bristled at the media depiction of Bannon as a puppeteer, punctuated by the Feb. 13 Time magazine cover labeling Bannon “The Great Manipulator.”
Trump fashions himself as the leading man — the protagonist of every story in which he stars — and was content to have Bannon as his sidekick, but he did not welcome the competition for top billing.
In short, Trump is the only one who gets to grab them by the pussy, but it's real difficult when the real president, Steve Bannon, is right there, with all the ladies swooning over his pockmarks and his aroma of "I took a bath in gin like five days ago but no baths since then. Haven't even Febrezed my balls."
Now WaPo will tell us the part about how Bannon shouldn't have called Jared a "cuck":
Bannon further imperiled his standing with the president by getting crosswise with Kushner, officials said. The two men were close during last year’s campaign; Kushner came to see Bannon as a wartime consigliere. But in the White House, Bannon went to war with the business leaders Kushner helped recruit to the administration — Cohn and others, including Dina Powell, the senior economic counselor and deputy national security adviser.
Anyway, we hope President Bannon and his puppet Trump can work this out. Just kidding, we want Bannon gone, which is why we'd like to remind Donald Trump that President Bannon called Jared a "cuck."
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