Trump Tells America He DID NOT EITHER Have A Temper Tantrum, SHUT UP STINKY NANCY!
If there is one thing we can say for Nancy Pelosi, it's that she knows how to absolutely destroy Donald Trump's thin-skinned ego and make him cry all day long.
Yesterday, around lunchtime, Pelosi did her weekly press conference, wherein she expressed her thoughts and prayers over what appears to be the (continued) rapidly diminishing mental state of Donald Trump, said it's just a shame he has temper tantrums when he's supposed to be presidential, and generally telegraphed that whether or not the House ends up on the road to impeachment, she's going to make it as slow and painful as it possibly can be for Trump.
By mid-afternoon, Trump was turning what was supposed to be a photo op with a group of farmers and ranchers (the ones Trump is screwing with his tariffs) into a public game of "Simon Says" with his most slobbering aides, where the only thing Simon ever said was, "Say I didn't have a temper tantrum during the Infrastructure Week meeting with Chuck and Nancy!" It was one of the most breathtakingly embarrassing things we've seen from the Trump presidency yet, and that is sayin' something. And again, note that we said "by mid-afternoon." This means that after Pelosi did her presser, the entire White House was thrown into chaos, because President Hurt Feelings got his feelings hurt, therefore President Punches Back had to punch back in the most pathetic, tiny-handed way possible.
Before we get to the Simon Says Game, let's focus on Trump, who called himself an "extremely stable genius" again, that's right he said it again:
Trump set the scene for the "farmer and rancher" event by saying -- in a particularly sad-ass copy/paste of what Pelosi said about him, which was then filtered through his brain, which does not speak English good -- that Pelosi's mind is slipping. He said, "I don't think Nancy Pelosi understands" his new Doubleplus UnNAFTA trade deal, because "it's too complicated" for her lady brain, despite how it's "not a complicated deal."
Several minutes later, prodded by a reporter to clarify his statements on Pelosi, he let the squirrels in his brain out in the backyard to fuck each other to death:
"She's a mess. She doesn't understand it. They sort of feel she's disintegrating before their eyes. She doesn't understand it." He added later on: "Whether or not Pelosi understands it— I don't think she's capable right now of understanding it. I think she's got a lot of problems."
Riiiiiight, Trump, you betcha! NANCY PELOSI is the one who needs an intervention! Not President Good Brain!
OK, now let's watch the Simon Says parade of sycophants. It was so fucking gross.
There was Kellyanne Conway.
Trump was bitching that everybody always says he has temper tantrums, so he asked Conway what his "temperament" was on Wednesday:
CONWAY: Very calm, no temper tantrum!
She said other words, but that's all you need to know.
Then Trump called on Mercedes Schlapp to attest to his calm stable genius brilliance during Wednesday's meeting.
Schlapp confirmed that Trump was "very calm" and "very direct" and said it was just "discouraging and disgraceful" that before the meeting, Nancy Pelosi said Trump was doing a "cover-up," even though it is obvious to all but these fucking idiots that Trump is engaged in the greatest cover-up in presidential history. She said other words, but you know what? Fuck Mercedes Schlapp, ain't nobody got time to dwell on her.
LESSEE, WHOSE TURN IS IT NOW? LARRY? LARRY KUDLOW?
Kudlow said "Mercy's right" and "Kellyanne's right," because Trump was "very calm." Kudlow added that Trump had "a lot of numbers" with him, and that he just contributed a whole lot to the meeting, in terms of "paperwork and witnesses."
After Kudlow was finished, everybody laughed because Kudlow said Trump's demeanor Wednesday was "much calmer than some of our trade meetings," and that was just a hilarious thing for Ofdonald Kudlow to say!
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, where are you? Are you here, to tell us some of that TRUTH you are so very known for?
Sanders said Trump was "very calm!" and got another big chuckle from the people who are paid to laugh when she said, "I've seen both [calm and not calm], and this was definitely not angry or ranting."
So that settles it! Trump is a stable genius who is calmer than a sea that is calm because there aren't very many waves happening right now!
Oh wait, Hogan Gidley, which is too a real name and who was not the fuck even THERE for the Wednesday meeting, would like to add some thoughts? Yes sir, Hogan Gidley wanted a turn! Gidley ad libbed for a long time about how there is a very real brown people invasion at the border and stupid Democrats pretend there isn't and only Dear Leader is shitting his pants about the very real brown people invasion, and the shits Dear Leader is dropping in his pants are glorious shits, gold-plated shits, they're the only shits Hogan Gidley wants to sniff right now, or EVER.
The point is that Hogan Gidley was included, because he wanted to be included.
Here's the full seven-minutes of ass-sniffing, if you'd like to see it:
And because this presidential address couldn't possibly have been more batshit, NBC reporter Peter Alexander noted that Trump has accused his political enemies who hurt his feelings of "treason," noting that "treason is punishable by death," then asked, "Who specifically are you accusing of treason?" (Which is punishable by death.)
Trump's answer was unworthy of transcription, because he speaks like a toddler on meth, but he whined about how everybody was witch-hunting him, then listed James Comey, Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok, and Strzok's "wonderful lover" Lisa Page. Those are the people who Trump thinks did treason, because they did their fucking jobs.
So that was all very cool and very legal.
The event, of course, gave Nancy Pelosi another chance to make fun of Trump, because of how Stable Genius called himself an "extremely stable genius" again.
But regardless of what Pelosi said about it, the "I KNOW NANCY PELOSI IS CRAZY BUT WHERE AM I" narrative took off, at least among Americans who regularly swallow toothpaste, as you've all heard about a fake video going around Facebook and Twitter, purportedly showing a drunk, slurring Pelosi. Trump tweeted a second highly selectively edited video, which just strung together times Pelosi said "Um" or hesitated between sentences during her press conference, in order to prove HE'S NOT CRAZY, SHE IS CRAZY.
And, shock of all shocks, Fox News was pushing the lies by the evening, aided by Trump ass-sniffer extraordinaire Corey Lewandowski:
And because everything is totally normal and this isn't a banana republic led by a stable genius who rules with a miniature iron fist, Lewandowski also predicted on Fox News that James Comey, Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page will all go on trial next year. For treason, we guess!
Just another day in Trump's America!
God fucking bless us everyone.
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