Trump Allies Cross Over From Parallel Universe To Tell Us How Humble And Respectful He Has Been
As we come upon the one week anniversary of Donald Trump's ongoing feud with Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of a son who died heroically in Iraq saving the lives of many others, we have found ourselves peering into a parallel universe! A parallel universe in which we all fly around in Zeppelins and also Donald Trump was a presidential type person who was very respectful to them! But Paul Manafort was there, and went on Good Morning America today to say that he is very disappointed that the LIEBERAL media is not even covering that at all, just because it happened in an alternate universe.
WATCH: "Mr. Trump has paid his respect... nobody is acknowledging it." - Manafort on Trump and Khan family https://t.co/HoPWwHe5tG
— Good Morning America (@GMA) August 4, 2016
Manafort told George Stephanopoulos that “I think Mr. Trump has paid his respect, it’s just that nobody is acknowledging it.” Why? He thinks it is because he didn't use the exact right words that people wanted him to use. Which is totally weird, because, as we know, Donald Trump has THE BEST words.
“What he has said is that he respects and he sympathizes with the sacrifices that family has made. And he’s talking about the son and he’s talking about the family,” Manafort said.
Now, in our world, Trump sympathized by saying this, which some of us thought was a tad callous:
"I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I've had tremendous success. I think I've done a lot."
You know, because doing billionaire stuff isn't really comparable to LOSING YOUR FREAKING SON IN A WAR. However, in the alternate universe, we guess (where I also have straight blonde hair), this is considered being a very sympathetic and respectful person. Sort of like how the sign we make for OK is considered offensive in Germany OR a sign that you are in the illuminati by wacky YouTubers? Or he said something totally different that was not super terrible. We're not sure, actually! It is probably one of those things!
Also visiting from an alternate universe was Ben Carson, who stopped by Morning Joe to talk about how Trump's real problem is that he is just too darn humble.
"I'm hopeful that he will begin to put out many of the stories that I'm very familiar with of things that he has done to help people who have been in very, very difficult situations. You know, he feels that, you know, that's self-praise and he doesn't want to do it. But I would love for those to come out so you won't be asking questions like that."
Yes, in the alternate universe Carson is visiting from, Donald Trump HATES praising himself, and is very humble. He's literally the humblest ever. He's so great at being humble and never talks about how great he is or how much people love him. As a result, Donaldternate hasn't said about half the things he's said! And is totally probably winning the election now!
Guess who else is living in an alternate universe? It is the Trump supporters over on Reddit's home for "alt-right" (racist) nonsense, The_Donald! Except it's sort of a different parallel universe than Manafort and Trump and Carson are in. In this universe, several things are true that are definitely not true in this reality. First, they agree with Trump that the polls are obviously faked to make it look like Hillary is winning -- the evidence for this being that a lot of people show up to his rallies. You know, because the "MAIN STREAM MEDIA" is in the bag for Clinton, for unknown reasons probably having something to do with the illuminati.
Oh, also, they are faking these polls in order to make rigging the election look legitimate, even though Trump is way ahead in the real polls, which they can't release.
Occam's razor, by the way, is not a thing in whatever universe this is.
However! This could also just be Trump playing "4D Chess" -- which is what Trump supporters say he is doing every time he screws a thing up. The plan here, of course, is that he makes it LOOK like he is failing in the polls so that Clinton voters go "OH, whatever, I guess we've got this in the bag! Why bother voting!" and then Trump surges in and claims a massive victory on election day.
Of course, though the humble, respectful, definitely-winning-by-double-digits-in-the-polls Donald Trump is clearly going to win the presidency of Altermerica without a hitch, it's not looking too good for him here at the moment!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse