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It's 2003 all over again! Hip hip, fucking hooray!

The New York Times reports, in the article we were YELLING AT IN THAT TWEET, that Secretary of State JesusRapture McCowPatty has been briefing Congress to tell them that -- STOP US IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE -- Iran and al Qaeda are in cahoots, and have been for a long time!

Now, all historians not named Dinesh D'Souza are free to correct us, in case we have missed the epic historical event where Sunni and Shia Muslims decided that they are now best buds, as opposed to literally always being on opposite sides of every single conflict, a reflection of how they've been warring for centuries. If that happened and we missed it, then sure, we guess it is possible that Iran (Shia) and al Qaeda (hardcore Sunni) are cahootsing, which would at least give a little bit more weight to the argument Mike Pompeo is trying to make here, in which he is just subtly implying to Congress that because they already authorized the government to do war at al Qaeda 2001, then ergo ipso facto if al Qaeda and Iran are friends on Facebook, that means they can bomb Iran, just like John Bolton has been jizzing himself to do for years.

Folks, they are doing it again. And they are -- unbelievably -- going to try to use some of the same arguments they did last time. And we guess the New York Times up there is going to do the same thing it did last time, and help the criminal Trump administration beat the drums for another criminal war.


As tensions between the United States and Iran have surged, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Pentagon officials have told members of Congress and aides in recent weeks about what they say is a pattern of ties between Iran and the terrorist group going back to after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, officials said.

Bullshit.

Statements tying Iran and Al Qaeda by Mr. Pompeo and other officials point to the potential for the administration to justify invoking the 2001 authorization, some lawmakers say. And when asked in recent weeks by lawmakers and journalists whether the administration would use the 2001 authorization, Mr. Pompeo has deflected the questions.

Bullshit bullshit bullshit fuck you fuck you bullshit.

The Times waits 16 paragraphs -- it is kind of their thing -- before fleshing out the one little detail that exposes all of this as fucking bullshit, which happens to be the same little detail that exposed the Iraq war lie that they'd all greet us as liberators with flowers and candy and blowjobs:

Iran is a majority Shiite Muslim nation while Al Qaeda is a hard-line Sunni group whose members generally consider Shiites to be apostates. The two have often fought on opposing sides of regional conflicts, including the Syrian war.

Any relationship between Iran and Al Qaeda is one of convenience and not a real alliance, said current and former American officials, and there is no public evidence that Tehran has allowed Al Qaeda operatives to plot attacks on the United States from Iran or offered a haven for large numbers of fighters.

Ayup. And of course, as Time notes, ISIS (which is basically al Qaeda's baby) "took credit for a 2017 attack on Iran's parliament building and the tomb of the Islamic Republic's founder, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, which according to Iran's state media killed at least 12 people." And as an expert US official notes,

"The Secretary has blown the level of collusion between Iran and a few of the remnants of al Qaeda way out of proportion," says a senior U.S. official who follows developments in Iran closely. "There have been occasional marriages of convenience, but there is nothing in the intelligence to suggest that any of them has been consummated in any grand anti-American alliance."

But sure, whatever, they are best buds now, because Mike Pompeo's large fucking face says they are.

On the other hand, the case for using the (false) connection between Iran and al Qaeda to make war on Iran may become stronger if one considers that John Bolton has an erection right now (allegedly), and the only way to rub that one out is to let him shoot it at Tehran. Hopefully we can come together on a bipartisan compromise on the care and feeding of John Bolton's erection (allegedly), just kidding this is FUCKING BULLSHIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU BULLSHIT.

Democratic Rep. Elissa Slotkin of Michigan, who used to be in the CIA and therefore knows this is bullshit, because unlike Mike Pompeo, she has LEARNED A FUCKING THING A TIME OR TWO IN HER LIFE, confirms that this is bullshit:

She said Mr. Pompeo's talk of that relationship in both public and private settings and his refusal to answer questions on a potential use of the 2001 authorization "raises the specter that to him, the relationship between Iran and Al Qaeda gives the administration that authority."

Ms. Slotkin, a former C.I.A. analyst and Pentagon official who has worked in Iraq, added, "Any of us working on national security should be looking at any talk of ties between senior Iranian leaders and Al Qaeda with a real skeptical eye."

Uh yeah.

Apparently this particular drumbeat has been going on for a few weeks. Slotkin said Pompeo mentioned Al Qaeda's well known BFF status with Iran (bullshit) on May 21. He said the same thing in testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee back in April. And the Times says Pentagon officials briefed congressional aides on Monday and felt the need to tell that lie.

But why would they all be fucking this chicken? Could it perhaps be because everybody knows that if the Trump administration is breathing, it is lying, and that the Democratic House would never ever vote to let John Bolton lead President Dumbfuck into a war with Iran, not in a fucking million years, not if they had stepped on a crack and broken their mother's back and the only way to put her back together again was to murder Iran with bombs? Yes, that could be the reason why they're trying to come up with bullshit reasons why the AUMF (authorization of military force) Congress voted for in 2001 after 9/11 applies to ... IRAN! You know, the country we're having tension with right now mostly and primarily because President Dumbfuck pulled us out of the Iran nuclear agreement.

(The House voted in a trillion dollar appropriations bill last night that voids that 2001 AUMF, but we're guessing Mitch McConnell isn't going to let the Senate vote on that version, call it a hunch.)

Speaking of "tension," remember those Gulf of Oman tanker attacks that Trump and Pompeo have been loudly blaming on Iran, but nobody believes them? Business Insider reports that the EU and the UN are pushing for an independent investigation into who's responsible, because our allies all know the Trump administration is FullOfShit McLiesALot, but for some strange reason, the Trump administration doesn't seem all that into that independent investigation. Wonder why! Could they be ... LYING?

As for the Bullshitter-In-Chief, a truly heroic reporter asked him a truly heroic question about Iran on Tuesday. From the White House transcript:

Q Why should Americans trust your administration to tell the truth about what's going on with Iran? If we go to war, why should we believe you if you say why?

Thank God, it was about time a reporter called that motherfucker a liar to his face. Here was the answer:

THE PRESIDENT: Well, we have Iran. We've been talking to various people on lots of different sides. And we'll see what happens with Iran. We're very well set. We're very well configured. We have a lot of things going on with Iran.

I spoke with President Xi, this morning, of China. We'll be meeting at the G20. And I think that is working out pretty much as I anticipated it would. China very much wants to discuss the future, and so do we.

So the relationship with President Xi is a very good one. We had a long talk this morning.

A reporter pointed out accurately that Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and therefore no one will believe him when he tries to lie us into an illegal and unnecessary war with Iran, and the answer from the squirrels in his brain was to brag about his relationship with the president of China.

We'll take that as an admission of guilt, before the fact.

In summary and in conclusion, the Trump administration is trying to lie us into Iran just like the Bush administration lied us into Iraq in 2003, but the Trump administration is doing it way more ineptly than it was in 2003, which in 2003 did not seem possible, because HOLYSHIT the Bush administration's lies in 2003 were inept.

Don't fall for their shit.

(New York Times, that includes you.)

And on a related note, do not listen to them for one goddamn second when they say that Trump "doesn't want war with Iran." It's all part of the theater of it. (And no, we also don't care about reports that Donald Trump himself is just trying so hard to get his hawks in the White House to cool their jets. As if he's really in charge here.) They're just waiting for their trigger moment, and if Iran doesn't give them one, they'll probably just make one up and lie about it. (Y'all hear Iran shot down a US drone in the Strait of Hormuz? That happened.)

If you're not pissed off yet, you need to be. This is serious.

[New York Times / Time / White House]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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