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So long Semper Fi, hello Show Me the Money. Donald Trump has an exciting new plan to monetize the US military BIGLY. Any idiot could figure out how to goose his hotel bookings by getting on the preferred list for Air Force layovers. It takes a real innovator to turn the entire US Armed Forces into a band of mercenaries for hire. Did you peons think the president was outsourcing American foreign policy to the murderous dictator of Saudi Arabia when he said we were "waiting to hear from the Kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of this attack, and under what terms we would proceed"?

HA! That was Arty McDeals working his magic. He's playing hardball, refusing to fully commit to blaming Iran for this weekend's massive attack on a Saudi oil facility -- or as the US Special Representative for Iran put it, "their 9/11." YES, FOR REAL.

And leaving aside that nauseating irony, Donald Trump's response to that "tragedy" is to tell Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad that he needs to start ponying up some cash pronto. Just how no one on earth did when the US was attacked on 9/11. But that was when we had a president who was merely terrible. Today it's all about the Benjamins, baby, and we're not bombing anyone without gettin' paid.


Go on, Poppy, spell it out for the people. Tell Americans that a war with Iran might not be in our national interest, but we'd definitely be down to fight if they pay us in cold, hard cash.

We have to sit down with the Saudis and work something out. And the Saudis want very much for us to protect them, but I say, well, we have to work. That was an attack on Saudi Arabia, and that wasn't an attack on us.

But we would certainly help them. They've been a great ally. They spend $400 billion in our country over the last number of years. Four hundred billion dollars. That's a million and a half jobs. And they're not ones that, unlike some countries, where they want terms; they want terms and conditions. They want to say, "Can we borrow the money at zero percent for the next 400 years?" No. No. Saudi Arabia pays cash. They've helped us out from the standpoint of jobs and all of the other things. And they've actually helped us.

I would call and I would say, "Listen, our oil prices, our gasoline, is too high. You got to let more go." You know that.

WE'RE GOING TO BUILD A WAR, AND MEXICO SAUDI ARABIA WILL PAY FOR IT. Just like they pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for rooms at the president's hotels in DC and Scotland and God only knows where else.

That's an official White House transcript from Monday's presser with the Crown Prince of Bahrain, by the way. But here, have a video.

WHAT THE FUCK, indeed. Not least because that $400 billion figure and "a million and a half jobs" came right out of That Idiot's orange ass. We've already heard this song and dance when the Trump administration was trying to justify ignoring the Saudi murder and dismemberment of American resident Jamal Khashoggi. At the time it was $100 billion of arms sales, supporting 500,000 jobs, which is amazing considering the entire defense and national security sector supported a total of 355,000 jobs in 2016. It was bullshit then, and it's bullshit now.

The whole presser was one big clusterfuck. Have you heard about our special, invisible F-35 Wonder Woman planes? They're the best! Also, Donald Trump is #BeBest for America's cities, where we keep The Blacks like his bestest buddy Tim Scott. And don't forget those auto workers he saved in Lordstown, Ohio. (That last one's a headscratcher.)

Here's Donald Trump castigating a journalist for asking him if he'd still agree to meet with Iran's President Rouhani without precondition, as he said multiple times and Mike Pompeo reaffirmed last week.

Well, you know, there were always conditions, because the conditions — if you look at it, the sanctions are not going to be taken off. So if the sanctions — that's a condition. So, you know, that's why the press misreported it. The biggest thing you can talk about are the sanctions, and the sanctions are massive. There's never been sanctions put on a country like that. And I think they have a tremendous future, but not the way they're behaving.

DRINK.

Just to be totally clear here, does he actually mean he wants the US Armed Force as a revenue-generating protection racket?

I think it's certainly the responsibility of them to do a big — a big deal of their defense, certainly. I also think it's the responsibility of the Saudis to, if somebody like us — which are the ones — are going to help them, they, I know, that monetarily will be very much involved in paying for that.

This is something that's much different than other Presidents would mention, Jon. But the fact is that the Saudis are going to have a lot of involvement in this if we decide to do something. They'll be very much involved, and that includes payment. And they understand that fully.

Well, yes, that is indeed "much different than other Presidents would mention, Jon." Guess it took a grifting whore to come up with the awesome plan to turn our armed forces into a pack of mercenary whores with guns. Because that's how you make America great again. Or turn us into a backwater banana republic. Definitely one of those two!

[White House Press Office]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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