We have a full post today with all your updates on this Saudi bullshit, as they continue to try to find anybody but themselves to blame for the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, and Donald Trump swallows every bite of bullshit they feed him. But you should know that in this week's AP interview (which is batshit like his last interview), Trump floats the "Brett Kavanaugh" defense for the Saudis, which is that they are GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT, which is totally unfair, because in Saudi Arabia, "boofing" doesn't even mean hacking people to death with bone saws. Why is everybody treating the Saudis like they treated poor little rapey Brett?

But the rest of the AP interview was bugfucking moron insane dipshit idiot too!

First of all, you need to know the upcoming primary losses for Republicans are not Trump's fault, because nothing is his fault. Even though he's been campaigning for Republicans constantly and telling his stinky sweaty crowds that a vote for Marsha Blackburn (for instance) is a vote for HIM, he's not taking responsibility if/when they lose. (This is because he is planning to blame that on the Chinese, who are always meddling in our elections to steal them for Democrats.)

Plus, he says he is helping the Republicans. They go up "40 and 50 points" in the polls when he endorses them! Yes, that is what he says. But if they don't vote for Republicans, well, that just means Republicans aren't wonderful and glorious like Donald Trump is. People have told him this:

I mean, there are many people that have said to me, 'Sir, I will never ever,' you on the trail [sic] when I'm talking to people backstage etcetera, 'I will never ever go and vote in the midterms because you're not running and I don't think you like Congress.'

Hope those idiots follow through on their Not Voting! As far as what happens if/when the Democrats take the House, Trump is ready for it, because everybody knows there was no collusion, everybody says that, and his response to all other questions about the Russia investigation is can somebody please bring him the list of all his administration's accomplishments in the first two years? Because it's a really YOOGE list. Where is the list?????? GIVE IT.

Oh good, he has the list now, which proves that he is better than every other president except one, and no it is not Abraham Lincoln:

Who is the one, who's the one president that percentage-wise has done better than me? There's only one. George Washington — 100 percent.

Give him a few more months, though! He'll totally be better than George Washington, and it will officially be time to sand over the faces on Mount Rushmore and just build a golden Trump trash palace on top of it. You'll see!

And why? Well, for one thing it is because Trump has a very good brain. Why look how good he does science! After claiming that he is an "environmentalist" who wants clean air and water because "clean is very important" (he's a germaphobe, after all!), Trump explained why he knows more about global warming than the generals scientists:

AP: But scientists say this is nearing a point where this can't be reversed.

Trump: No, no. Some say that and some say differently. I mean, you have scientists on both sides of it. My uncle was a great professor at MIT for many years. Dr. John Trump. And I didn't talk to him about this particular subject, but I have a natural instinct for science, and I will say that you have scientists on both sides of the picture.

Please remember that Uncle John also explained nuclear weapons to Trump, and what he gleaned from that is that "nuclear is just the power." They had these conversations "before nuclear was nuclear," Trump says!

Also note that Trump admits right there that he didn't even talk to Uncle John about climate change. But that's OK, because he has a NATURAL INSTINCT for science. He goes right up to "science" and he grabs it by the pussy! And "science" just lets him!

Here are some more bits 'n' pieces from this batshit interview, before we lose our fucking minds.

The part where Trump accuses Michael Cohen of lying in open court while he was pleading guilty

AP: Michael Cohen was your personal attorney for many years. He testified under oath in federal court that you directed him to commit a crime. Did you, sir?

Trump: Totally false. It's totally false.

AP: So he's lying under oath?

Trump: Oh, absolutely he's lying.

O RLY? Well, maybe Trump should comply with a subpoena from the SDNY and maybe also Robert Mueller so he can set everybody straight on who's lying and who's not! Can't imagine how that might go badly for the president.

Also, Trump is now saying that Cohen was just his "PR person," because that's definitely the truth.

The part where Trump says that him calling Stormy Daniels a "horseface" is open to interpretation, and you can decide for yourself if "horseface" is sexist

AP: Sir, as the president of the United States, is it appropriate to call a woman, and even one who is making serious allegations and who you are in litigation against, to call her a horseface?

Trump: You know what? You can take it any way you want.

OK, gonna stick with "Donald Trump is a sexist pig who has been credibly accused of sexual assault multiple times and probably paid for a shitload of abortions too, because he never wraps up his little orange mushroom winky."

The part where Trump says he knows his idiot son did nothing wrong by having a treason meeting with the Russians, and Trump would know, because here's why

Trump: My son's a good young guy.


Trump: He did absolutely nothing wrong. And there's nobody harder on my son than I am. [...] If he did something wrong, I would have been livid.

See? If Junior had done a bad treason meeting, his dad would have taken him over his knee and slapped him in his drunk face in front of all his friends like he (allegedly) did when Junior was in college, and he would stop loving Junior all over again! But Daddy's not even mad, so it's all good.

The part where Trump learned a new word that sounds just like another word and OMG knowledge is crazy

Trump: And you know if I often hear that Russia likes to sow discord. The word is sow, an old English term. They like to sow chaos and discord. Well, if that's the case, you gave it to them on a silver platter because this is ridiculous.


Was "sow" on his word of the day calendar? Was there a comical vocabulary event in the Oval Office where Trump spent four hours confused about how Russians could possibly SEW discord, which is crazy because all the Russians he conspires with are boys and all sexist men know boys don't SEW?

We just don't fucking know.

Trump also said he's doing an excellent job separating families on the border and a tremendous job not visiting the troops overseas literally ever and something about how some of the Russian hackers Robert Mueller indicted are actually Hillary Clinton supporters, did you know that? A lot of people don't know that.

Wanna read the whole transcript? You're an idiot, but knock yourself out.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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