Can someone please text Shinzo Abe so the poor guy can pretend he has to pick up a drunk friend who just got dumped and is OMG so needy right now? The Japanese prime minister is trapped on the worst first date ever with the Pussygrabber in Chief and his tiny, wandering hands.

Trump's crackerjack protocol team watched a shit-ton of porn worked overtime to prepare the President to appropriately greet an Asian leader. Swallowing the last of his Tic Tacs, Trump bounded out of the West Wing and grabbed Abe in a bearhug, TWICE. Later, he explained, “I shook hands, but I grabbed him and hugged him because that's the way we feel.” NAILED IT!

In the Oval Office, Trump did his silverback gorilla imitation for the press with a 19-second handshake dominance display. When the Japanese prime minister finally broke free, the cameras captured him in an epic eye roll that will GIF forever. Ever the smooth operator, the President gave a thumbs up sign and commented on Abe's strong hands while making a gesture that PROBABLY(????) referred to golf. Abe tactfully refrained from comment on the comparative size or strength of the President's grip.

Then it was on to the awkwardest press conference ever, which Trump opened by welcoming his counterpart to "the very famous White House." During the electoral debates, Trump suggested that Japan was taking advantage of US military protection and might need to develop a nuclear arsenal to defend itself. But today, after the obligatory slagging of Obamacare and TPP, the Seducer in Chief turned on the charm.

"We have a good bond. We have good chemistry. I will let you know if that changes, but I don't think it will." The silver orange fox plays hard-to-get.

Knowing that the male ego can be fragile, Abe kept mum about those other guys who'd welcomed him to "the very Famous White House." If Trump wants to believe that the leader of the world's third largest economy is a White House virgin, Abe can be that fantasy. And even if he'd spent the entire press conference reminiscing about post-coital cigarettes shared with Barack in the Lincoln bedroom, Donald would never have known. His earpiece remained on the dais until halfway through the event, leaving him to smile and nod in a pretense of understanding Abe's comments in Japanese. Advance team, batting 1000!

Continuing their flirtation, Abe opened his remarks with a classic neg.

Donald, president, you are an excellent businessman. But you have never been in the Congress or been a governor. You have not experienced being in the public office, but you have fought the uphill struggle and fight for more than a year in the election campaign to become a new president, and this is the dynamism of democracy.

He went on to remind Trump of Japan's $150B investment in US factories and infrastructure, which may help avert the drone strikes when Trump gets on Twitter tonight for his 3 a.m. dump tweet and sees that eye roll GIF.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Abe's wife toured Washington DC on her own. Traditionally, the First Lady accompanies wives of visiting heads of state. But Melania was MIA, and Ivanka is too busy designing tacky clothes that no one will buy. As CNN tut-tutted, "Without Melania Trump, Mrs. Abe rolls solo in Washington." Really, the Trump protocol team must be so TIRED OF WINNING at this point. Several hours later, they released an entirely credible statement of explanation.

"The First Lady was very much looking forward to welcoming Mrs. Abe to the White House upon her arrival in Washington; however, she was informed that Mrs. Abe had previous commitments during her stay in DC." Riiiiiiiight.

Back at the presser, Trump made his signature squint-and-duck-lips face as he delivered his irresistible closer.

"Let's go to Florida," he said. WORKS EVERY TIME.

The men flew to Palm Beach this afternoon for some "golf diplomacy" at Trump's Mar a Lago hotel. As one does with visiting heads of state, Trump treated Abe to dinner in the club's packed patio dining room (after first tweet-bragging about their meeting while calling Abe "Prime Minister Shinzo," which is not how you address him, President Donald. They were joined by New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, so as to maximize the free publicity and let the Mar a Lago patrons know they were getting their money's worth for the newly jacked up joining fees at the "Winter White House."

After being pawed all day, one can only hope that Mr. Abe has the sense to bolt his hotel door. No sense risking a midnight visit from a man who has a key to your room and DOESN'T EVEN OWN A BATHROBE.