Trump As Terrific At Hosting Japanese Prime Minister As He Is At Literally EVERYTHING. (He Is Very Poor At It)


Can someone please text Shinzo Abe so the poor guy can pretend he has to pick up a drunk friend who just got dumped and is OMG so needy right now? The Japanese prime minister is trapped on the worst first date ever with the Pussygrabber in Chief and his tiny, wandering hands.

Trump's crackerjack protocol team watched a shit-ton of porn worked overtime to prepare the President to appropriately greet an Asian leader. Swallowing the last of his Tic Tacs, Trump bounded out of the West Wing and grabbed Abe in a bearhug, TWICE. Later, he explained, “I shook hands, but I grabbed him and hugged him because that's the way we feel.” NAILED IT!

In the Oval Office, Trump did his silverback gorilla imitation for the press with a 19-second handshake dominance display. When the Japanese prime minister finally broke free, the cameras captured him in an epic eye roll that will GIF forever. Ever the smooth operator, the President gave a thumbs up sign and commented on Abe's strong hands while making a gesture that PROBABLY(????) referred to golf. Abe tactfully refrained from comment on the comparative size or strength of the President's grip.

Then it was on to the awkwardest press conference ever, which Trump opened by welcoming his counterpart to "the very famous White House." During the electoral debates, Trump suggested that Japan was taking advantage of US military protection and might need to develop a nuclear arsenal to defend itself. But today, after the obligatory slagging of Obamacare and TPP, the Seducer in Chief turned on the charm.

"We have a good bond. We have good chemistry. I will let you know if that changes, but I don't think it will." The silver orange fox plays hard-to-get.

Knowing that the male ego can be fragile, Abe kept mum about those other guys who'd welcomed him to "the very Famous White House." If Trump wants to believe that the leader of the world's third largest economy is a White House virgin, Abe can be that fantasy. And even if he'd spent the entire press conference reminiscing about post-coital cigarettes shared with Barack in the Lincoln bedroom, Donald would never have known. His earpiece remained on the dais until halfway through the event, leaving him to smile and nod in a pretense of understanding Abe's comments in Japanese. Advance team, batting 1000!

Continuing their flirtation, Abe opened his remarks with a classic neg.

Donald, president, you are an excellent businessman. But you have never been in the Congress or been a governor. You have not experienced being in the public office, but you have fought the uphill struggle and fight for more than a year in the election campaign to become a new president, and this is the dynamism of democracy.

He went on to remind Trump of Japan's $150B investment in US factories and infrastructure, which may help avert the drone strikes when Trump gets on Twitter tonight for his 3 a.m. dump tweet and sees that eye roll GIF.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Abe's wife toured Washington DC on her own. Traditionally, the First Lady accompanies wives of visiting heads of state. But Melania was MIA, and Ivanka is too busy designing tacky clothes that no one will buy. As CNN tut-tutted, "Without Melania Trump, Mrs. Abe rolls solo in Washington." Really, the Trump protocol team must be so TIRED OF WINNING at this point. Several hours later, they released an entirely credible statement of explanation.

"The First Lady was very much looking forward to welcoming Mrs. Abe to the White House upon her arrival in Washington; however, she was informed that Mrs. Abe had previous commitments during her stay in DC." Riiiiiiiight.

Back at the presser, Trump made his signature squint-and-duck-lips face as he delivered his irresistible closer.

"Let's go to Florida," he said. WORKS EVERY TIME.

The men flew to Palm Beach this afternoon for some "golf diplomacy" at Trump's Mar a Lago hotel. As one does with visiting heads of state, Trump treated Abe to dinner in the club's packed patio dining room (after first tweet-bragging about their meeting while calling Abe "Prime Minister Shinzo," which is not how you address him, President Donald. They were joined by New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, so as to maximize the free publicity and let the Mar a Lago patrons know they were getting their money's worth for the newly jacked up joining fees at the "Winter White House."

After being pawed all day, one can only hope that Mr. Abe has the sense to bolt his hotel door. No sense risking a midnight visit from a man who has a key to your room and DOESN'T EVEN OWN A BATHROBE.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. Georgia State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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