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Hey, big Friday news, and it's that former Fox News idiot Bill Shine is the latest White House comms director to become a former White House comms director, but that's not what we're here to talk about. We already knew the White House comms department was a barren wasteland of incompetence and regret, and had a feeling Shine wouldn't last long anyway.

We need to talk about what ELSE happened today, which is that Donald Trump flew to Alabama to meet with tornado survivors, like a normal president would, and while there he ... um ... well, he autographed the tornado survivors' ... Bibles? Also like a totally normal president would?

And yes, this has been confirmed by other reporters, so it's not just Josh Dawsey FAKE NEWSIN'.

As Yr Wonkette's resident scholar of Bible, we have questions. Like ...


Was this his idea? Like, did somebody have a Bible and he just spontaneously grabbed it and signed it before anybody could stop him?

Or did some sorta APB go out like "If you have been tornadoed and you would like Dear Leader to sign your personal copy of the Word of our Lord, then bring it with you on Friday"? And did it specify that Trump would not be signing copies of the NIV Bible, as he, a devout man, only considers the King James to be true and valid?

Isn't there a thing in that book about men having false Gods or some such yip yap?

Can you imagine if Barack Obama had done this? Oh my GOD. (Pfffffffft, more like can you imagine Obama signing a KORAN from KENYAGHANISTANDONESIA.)

Can we call Trump supporters a weird fringe cult now?

Does he think he wrote those Bibles, just like he thinks he wrote The Art Of The Deal?

How are the Bibles not catching his little paws on fire?

Also, know how he signs things like this?

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And like this?

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And like this?

(The first two are HILARIOUS JOKES. That last one is a real reimbursement check to Michael Cohen for paying Stormy Daniels to keep her silent about how she had a conjugal visit with Trump's yeti pubes and Mario Kart dick, which Cohen was also instructed to lie about to Trump's wife Melania. Anyway, let's not get distracted form our questions about Trump SIGNING BIBLES.)

The point about how he signs stuff with a big fat Sharpie is, doesn't the Sharpie jam too hard into that ultra-thin (for his AND her pleasure) Bible paper and tear it up?

And isn't there also a thing in Bible in the book of Revelation about how for "every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book"? Doesn't Trump adding his big gnarly illiterate fatfuck signature count as "adding unto these things"? And if so, shouldn't Trump's advisers watch out for him to develop "noisome and grievous sores" all over him, since that is the first of the plagues mentioned in Revelation 16?

And if Trump did develop "noisome and grievous sores," would anybody notice, considering how his whole face is a "noisome and grievous sore"?

Would they think Trump had suddenly shapeshifted into his firstborn son?

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Finally, we see paper towels in that picture. Did he forget to throw them at the tornado survivors' heads, since that is how he did relief work in Puerto Rico?

Wonkette sends our thoughts and prayers to the survivors of the Alabama tornadoes. (If you'd like to help them, click here.)

But don't worry, we're not going to sign any Bibles and send them to Alabama, because we are not W-E-I-R-D like Donald Trump.

And now, it is time for your Friday OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Donald Trump's week of calm, rational behavior continues.

Just kidding, we think he just broke his own landspeed record for saying dumbass things. In the space of 97 seconds on the White House lawn, on his way to We Don't Fucking Care Where, Trump did the following:

1. Waddled in reporters' general direction saying "NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION," because we guess that's just what he says now. Does he do it when he's all by himself? Maybe. Does he do it to remind himself of his line, because his brain is so broken he still forgets it, even though it's two whole words and he says it 40,000 times a day? Also maybe.

2. Expressed confusion over the existence of Robert Mueller, saying "man gets appointed by a deputy, he writes a report, never figured that one out."

3. Bragged about his historic election, the one where he barely squeaked by in the Electoral College, while losing the popular vote by almost three million sane human votes.

4. Got confused again about existence of Robert Mueller, because Robert Mueller did not have a historic election like he did. Nobody even voted for Robert Mueller!

5. Showed reporters a visual aid of "Middle East," to prove how he murdered ISIS. You see, the red parts used to be ISIS, but now there is just a red dot right here. SEE IT RIGHT HERE? Says troops are going to take out that red dot tonight. Hey, remember how Trump used to go on and on on the campaign trail about how Obama was a pussy because he always gave advance warnings when he was going to bomb stuff, because Trump is an idiot who doesn't understand that sometimes you might give advance warning so as to reduce civilian casualties, to cite one example? The point is that Trump totally Geraldo-ed some American troop movements. (Allegedly. He literally may have no fucking clue what the troops are doing tonight, because he doesn't pay attention during briefings.) This is not the first time he has done this. Or the second. Or the ...

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As we mentioned in our piece about Pete Buttigieg's interview on the Morning Joe Coffee Achievers Show of Shows, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, also did an interview with Esquire magazine, published yesterday. And wouldn't you know it, the magazine's choice of a pull quote has led a whole bunch of people on Twitter to decide that Pete Buttigieg shat all over Hillary Clinton and everyone who supported her, so fuck him, that fucking entitled millennial piece of shit.

Twitter being Twitter, there is not a hell of a lot of nuance in the discussion. And that's why Yr Wonkette, just last week, inaugurated what we're afraid will have to be a regular feature during Campaign 2020: "That's Not What She/He Said," in which we take various chunks of the Dems In Disarray Narrative and give 'em a good hosing-down. So let's take a look at the idea that Pete Buttigieg is a snotty terrible man who trashed Hillary Clinton, shall we? We shall!

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