ALL THE THUMBS UP

It is a truism in American politics that presidents, especially Republican presidents, become a REAL MAN the second they decide to make a boom boom in a foreign country, preferably one populated by brown people. So it is that our mainstream media is already making GIGGLE-JIZZES over how Donald Trump suddenly discovered that "beautiful little babies" were dying in Syria (breaking news from Obama's first term!) and decided we needed to hurl 59 Tomahawk missiles at a Syrian airstrip. At least that's the public reason for the attack, which, like World War II and all other wars, was directed from the Situation Room in the public dining room at Mar-a-Lago.

The prize for the most OMG SHUT UP FOR THE REST OF TIME reaction to Trump throwing 59 of his biggest dick-missiles at Syria goes to Brian Williams on MSNBC, who just sat there in awe at how pretty our missiles were, as they flew through the sky to kill stuff. For Williams, apparently, it was like a cute kitten video and an Upworthy story about an anonymous lady who gave a server a 5,000 percent tip, all rolled into one!

“We see these beautiful pictures at night from the decks of these two U.S. Navy vessels in the eastern Mediterranean,” Williams said. “I am tempted to quote the great Leonard Cohen: ‘I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.’”

“They are beautiful pictures of fearsome armaments making what is for them what is a brief flight over to this airfield,” he added, then asked his guest, “What did they hit?”

Stop that. Stop that. Stop that stop that stop that. Without even making a judgment about whether we agree with the action Trump took, IN THEORY, it is never cute when Americans pull out their patriotic war boners about how sexxxy our weapons are. Just no.

OR IS IT? Let's go visit Fareed Zarakia over at the CNN, who says he thinks "Donald Trump became president of the United States" when he stopped chewing on his fancy burned Mar-a-Lago steak and gave the very presidential order of "Do boom boom":

Zakaria added that, with this experience, "there has been an interesting morphing and a kind of education of Donald Trump," to which we reply OMG REALLY? PFFFFFFFFFFFT.

Of course, as you can imagine, "Morning Joe" was special Friday morning, as Joe and Mika temporarily forgot how they've been slamming Trump as the biggest gross idiot president EVER lately, and decided they were real excited about GO BOOM! They started off slow, like "we're not saying we are FOR doing wars, it's more that doing wars GIVES US ALL THE FEELS." Here is all 20 minutes of the morning news block from "Morning Joe," and below that, we'll tell you the timestamps to skip to, since you obviously do not want to watch that much "Morning Joe" in one sitting:

• 4:55: Joe says, "He's president now, and when you're president now, it rests on your shoulders." Hooray, we guess this means Trump will stop tweeting and be a big boy president FROM NOW ON!
• 7:30: Trump is BIG STRONG TUFF DUDE, and now the Russians will see that, according to Joe: "I suspect what the Russians will find is, the more they taunt him, like for instance they said, oh it really didn't cause much damage, they will find that Donald Trump will say 'OK, well thank you for your intel on the ground, we are now going to attack again tonight.' because that's who Donald Trump is." Mika added, "I totally agree with you!" OF COURSE YOU DO, MIKA.
• 14:30: Joe says this sends a very important message to North Korea and Iran and all the other Bad Guys that Donald Trump will bomb the shit out of them all the time whenever he wants. U-S-A! U-S-A!

OK, screw "Morning Joe," let's move on to something different. MSNBC's Chris Matthews, who is ALWAYS getting thrills up his leg, is, for once, not fallin' for it! Matthews says maybe he is being cynical, but he bets a side benefit to this is that it takes attention off Trump's weird ties with Moscow, because after all, if we do bombs to Putin's big pal Assad in Syria, then how can people accuse Trump of being in bed with the Russians? UNLESS, Matthews adds, Trump and Putin talked on the phone beforehand and it was just a "set piece" to give the appearance of some nice healthy attention between Trump's America and Russia. WHOA IF TRUE!

... I thought if there was a way for him to kill the narrative that he’s in bed with Putin, it would be this. Take on Putin’s fresh water port, take on his ally, his satellite, his loyal ally Assad. That would be a way of saying, “I never was in bed with these guys. I never planned any kind of coalition with this guy in Moscow.” You’re right, I was thinking of it. Who knows? We’ll find out. It certainly isn’t going to go well with Putin, unless we find out they had a phone call this afternoon and worked this thing out, and it was a set piece that was not meant to be particularly antagonistic to Moscow.

Huh! Look at Chris Matthews thinking all the thoughts!

So anyway, boy howdy, our mainstream media sure is excited about our new war. And they're not the only ones either! Over on the wingnut side of the political sphere, Trump-loving hack Laura Ingraham is tweeting her praise for the way Trump in the space of 48 hours has been able to unite Marco Rubio, John McCain and even gross old Hillary Clinton behind the purpose of "WAR WAR WAR!" Meanwhile, the "Fox & Friends" idiot couch is gushing over the "most successful day" of Trump's 13-week 11-week presidency, even reporting that March's horrible jobs report was a good jobs report, in the context of how Trump did bombs. Yay Trump! Bombs!

There are #sad people, though, as there always are. Ann Coulter is going all emo, because while Trump is off crying like a pussy about brown Syrian babies, is he even thinking about the Mexican rapists?

Meanwhile, the "alt-right" is in full meltdown mode over Trump becoming a globalist Jew and fighting Israel's wars, and that Milo douche says Trump's attack on Syria was "FAKE and GAY," so we guess you can't please everybody.

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