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We need WALL to protect us from SKEERY TERRORISTS! Or maybe we just need a memory device for a senile old idiot who can't remember his lines when he's whipping the pitchfork mob into a xenophobic frenzy. Yeah, it's probably that one. This weekend saw a wild collection of whoppers from the White House as the Trump Brain Trust dreamed up increasingly fantastical lies to justify the shutdown over WALLBUX. Let's run 'em down quick before the bastards barf out any more.

Lies, damn lies, and fabricated statistics!

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristjen Nielsen got the ball rolling on Friday with a bunch of hateful arglebargle in the Rose Garden, fearmongering about over 3000 "special interest aliens trying to come into the country on the southern border." Eeeek, special interest aliens. Be very afraid! Oh, wait, if you check out the fine print, it says that special interest aliens can be any person "from parts of the world where terrorism is prevalent, or nations that are hostile to the United States." So they're not actual criminals? Never mind then.

But Nielsen wasn't done! Since Chuck and Nancy refused to sit for her Nightmare On Mexico Street Powerpoint on Thursday, she's taking that scary immigrant story directly to the American people. CNN waded through the bullshit and factchecked that sucker. Spoiler Alert: Numbers at the southern border have a known liberal bias. You can counteract that by throwing global terrorism and migration stats into your report to make them look like they refer to a horde of zombies storming into El Paso. For instance if the Washington Post questions your totally made up statistic of $500 million paid to smugglers by southern border crossers annually, show 'em you're serious by upping that number to $2.5 billion worldwide. Fact check that one, nerds!


One if by land, two if by sea, NONE if by the southern border.

The problem with running the same play every time, though, is that even the bootlickers at Fox get wise to it. Here's Sarah Huckabee Sanders getting factchecked in real time by Chris Wallace when she glottal fries menacingly about needing WALL to keep out the 4,000 terrorists apprehended last year.

SANDERS: We know that roughly, nearly 4,000 known or suspected terrorists come into our country illegally, and we know that our most vulnerable point of entry is at our southern border.

WALLACE: Wait, wait, wait -- I know the statistic; I didn't know you were going to use it. But I studied up on this. Do you know where those 4,000 people come -- where they're captured? Airports.

SANDERS: Not always.

WALLACE: At airports.

SANDERS: Certainly a large number --

WALLACE: The State Department says there hasn't been any terrorists that they've found coming across the southern border with Mexico.

SANDERS: It's by air, it's by land and it's by sea. It's all of the above. But one thing that you're forgetting is that the most vulnerable point of entry that we have into this country is our southern border, and we have to protect it. And the more individuals that --

WALLACE: But they're not coming across the southern border, Sarah. They're coming and they're being stopped at airports.

SANDERS: They're coming a number of ways. They're certainly -- I'm not disagreeing with you that they're coming through airports. I'm saying that they come by air, by land and by sea. And the more and more that our border becomes vulnerable and the less and less that we spend time and money protecting it, the more that we're going to have an influx, not just of terrorists but of human traffickers, drug inflow and people that are coming here to do American citizens harm.

Never, never, NEVER back down, even when they catch you redhanded in a lie.

Ever since Trump's bullshit in last year's State of the Union speech about "the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9/11 [coming] here from outside of our country," the Lawfare and Protect Democracy nerds have been hot on his trail. The DOJ dummied up a report to make reality reflect Trump's rambling, but the pencil pushers have turned up one or twelve minuscule miscalculations. For instance, when the DOJ said, "from fiscal years 2003 through 2009" criminal aliens were "convicted for 69,929 sex offenses," what they meant to say was between 1955 and 2010 -- i.e. 55 years, not six -- there were 69,929 charges of foreign-born persons for gender-related crimes, although one arrest might involve several charges and no convictions. It's an easy mistake, right?

But more importantly, if the DOJ refuses to charge white nationalists and mass shooters with domestic terrorism, then of course the only terrorism convictions are of brown people from over there. That's the very definition of a corrupted data set! Which the DOJ acknowledged in a letter, along with several other misleading or incorrect claims detailed by the Washington Post. But they're refusing to retract or correct it, because Matt Whitaker can't skip leg day, we guess.

Don't worry, Jared's on the case!

Were you thinking this can't get any stupider? Au contraire, mon frère! Tell us, Politico:

Jared Kushner, the president's senior adviser, said he was bringing good outside business knowledge to the wall negotiations. He said the reason the wall price was going up was because of an increase in customer utilization for the border. Customer demand, he said, results in overruns.

UH HUH.

So Jared thinks the cost of WALL is going up because there are more border-crossing "customers"? (There aren't.) And Trump's stupid steel tariffs have nothing to do with it?

HOW YOU LIVIN', HARVARD? BETWEEN KUSH AND DERSH, Y'ALL MUST BE REAL PROUD OF YOUR FACULTY AND ALUMS!

[CNN / CNN, again / WaPo / Politico / Fox]

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Welcome to another edition of Yr Sunday Nice Things feature, where we take a break from the daily craziness so we can decompress for a little while. Today, we're going to relax with the ineffable mental calm that comes from an oddly rectangular English cow. It's really beautiful to see what can happen when people all over the internet come together to collaborate on a little art project. We call it...

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