Trump Campaign Not Sure If Getting Salmonella Is Awesome Or Not

Thursday, the Trump campaign put out a big bold statement promising to take down the FDA FOOD POLICE. You know, the mean bastards who force you to eat untainted food products and take safe medications while the sweet, innocent job creators who sell you that food are cruelly forced to make due under the harshest of regulations. Those folks!

The FDA Food Police, which dictate how the federal government expects farmers to produce fruits and vegetables and even dictates the nutritional content of dog food. The rules govern the soil farmers use, farm and food production hygiene, food packaging, food temperatures, and even what animals may roam which fields and when. It also greatly increased [sic] inspections of food “facilities,” and levies new taxes to pay for this inspection overkill.

But then, for some weird reason, they took it down almost immediately afterwards. So weird! Pretty much everything referring to the FDA FOOD POLICE is gone, which can only mean one thing: Donald Trump has been apprehended by said food police, and is currently sitting in food jail, right next to the Hamburglar. (But then how could he have just done a press conference saying HILLARY started the birther thing? Maybe it was his body double.)

The official fact sheet reappeared today, with no mention of the Food Police. However, the sheet still includes a bit about how he would love to get rid of the Waters of The U.S. rule, so that we may all drink more dirty water. I guess this stance came from Trump's trip to Flint, Michigan, this week, where he saw firsthand how contaminated water can really bring a community together.

Now, you are probably thinking the Trump campaign got rid of that Food Police bit because, duh, most people do not want to get food poisoning, and are pretty OK with that shit being regulated. And sure, probably most people feel that way. But some Trump supporters could not be more excited about the possibility of unregulated food.

Really, what kind of monster would deny anyone the "choice" to have food poisoning? Maybe some people are OK with a little rat poop in their food, ever think of that? Maybe they find it delicious! Or, hey, maybe their life is a little boring and they'd like to spice it up with some Mad Cow Disease. Oh! Or maybe they're trying to lose weight, and all the vomiting and pooping that comes with drinking contaminated water is helpful to them! Maybe they don't like their dog all that much, and would be cool if Fido keeled over because his food was made of poison? Who knows! The important thing is having the choice. Unless you are a poor kid whose parents can't afford uncontaminated food and water, in which case maybe you have to die. But isn't it worth it if a company gets to spend a little less money on "regulation?" Haven't we punished job creators enough?

[Vocativ / Trump website]


Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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