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:(


Poor, poor Donald Trump. Russia elected him president (ALLEGEDLY) and they wined and dined him and bought him a pair of their finest Russian pee hookers (ALLEGEDLY) to make sure he would be sweet to them and pursue a "Russia First" foreign policy (what do you think #MAGA stands for in Russian, HUH?), and now the mean and unfair United States Congress has pushed him up against a wall and trapped him in a headlock and even Republican senators and congressmen are fixin' to slam his dick in one of the gold-plated sliding doors of Mar-a-Lago. You see, Congress reached an agreement Wednesday night to levy a shitload of new sanctions on Russia (and Iran and North Korea). That is not what Trump's real dad Vladimir Putin requested! That is not why that Russian lady lawyer lollygagged around Trump Junior's office last year, promising dirty nasty Hillary Clinton dirt and MAYBE IF HE'S GOOD, he can touch her boob (ALLEGEDLY, okay, nobody actually alleged that), as long as his Daddy lifts all the sanctions when he becomes president!

As CNN explains, the agreement between the House and the Senate (which hit some snags but Senator Bob Corker #FixedIt) "rebukes Trump by giving Congress newfound veto power over any administration attempt to remove sanctions on Moscow." In the House, it passed 419-3. In the Senate, it was 98-2. The agreement increases sanctions on Russia over its extracurricular activities in Ukraine and Syria, and OH YEAH, that little matter of how Russia stuck its foul, unwashed dick in the U.S. American election last year.

Obviously those are veto-proof majorities. So of course, precious and brand new White House Comms Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that maybe Trump will veto it:

Anthony Scaramucci, White House communications director, said on CNN that Trump “may sign the sanctions exactly the way they are, or he may veto the sanctions and negotiate an even tougher deal against the Russians,” citing Trump’s “counterintuitive, counterpunching personality” to explain why the president is considering a veto.

Hahahahahahaha OK, babydoll! It's definitely because he's a TOUGH COUNTERPUNCHER and not because he wants to be able to call Daddy Putin and say he TRIED to stop the sanctions, and please please please please pretty please do not upload "Donald Trump (ALLEGEDLY!) Frolicks In The Yellow Russian Snow" on to XTube, PLEEEEASE?

The European Union is kinda pissed at Congress for passing this bill, not because they are gay for Putin like Trump is, but because Russia is literally in their backyard and supplies a lot of their energy needs and they're worried the sanctions could end up hurting their own wallets. We think the EU needs to STFU, but at the same time we understand they might have to deal with Russia a hair differently from how we do over here in the good old US and A.

Meanwhile, Russia is OBVIOUSLY pissed off and making its own threats to retaliate. What are they going to do, stop importing their luxurious Russian cars and home electronics to America? HAHA JUST KIDDING Russia is a worthless shell of a country that doesn't make anything the United States wants. One Russian senator, Alexei Pushkov, tweeted some malarkey about how Trump is a "prisoner of Congress and anti-Russian hysteria" (that's right, fuckhead!), and added that Russian McDonald's locations are not a "sacred cow," which is weird, because we were pretty sure Russians worshiped our American McRib sandwiches each and every day.

So anyway.

Hey Trump. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, Trump? Hey Trump! Trump! Gonna veto it? Gonna pull out the pen you stoled from the G20 because Vladimir Putin breathed on it and misspell "VETO" on the bill? Gonna spell it with two E's? Gonna squirm around in your President Chair a little bit because you don't know where the cameras are, but you know Putin's watching you right now to see what you're gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? You gonna pussy out? Gonna pussy out? Gonna pussy out? Gonna pussy out? Gonna sign the bill? Gonna veto it? Whatcha gonna do, big president man? Who's your daddy, Donald? WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?

WHERE'S

YOUR

GOD

NOW?

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[CNN / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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