Trump Claims Lifelong Catholic Joe Biden Will Steal Christmas


Donald Trump, speaking at a rally in Nevada yesterday -- yes, another rally! he is doing very many of them! in a state he has only a 13 percent chance of winning! -- told a crowd of future Typhoid Marys all about all of the dreadful things Joe Biden will do if elected 0resident of the United States of America.

For one, Biden will listen to scientists, which is very bad, Trump explained, because scientists are a bummer. Come on guys, who do you want? The guy who listens to those nerds, which would allow us to return to relative normalcy much more quickly, or the guy who will shove the nerds into lockers and take their lunch money?

Coronavirus: Trump says U.S. would see massive depression if he “listened totally to the scientists"

Trump said:

"He'll listen to the scientists" — if I listened totally to the scientists we would right now have a country that would be in a massive depression, instead of, we're like a rocket ship, take a look at the numbers.

To be fair, he didn't specify what rocket ship.

The fact that we have like five or six of these Democrats keeping their states closed, because they're trying hurt us on November 3rd, but our numbers are so good anyway, they'd be even better.

Yes, either that or they're trying to slow the spread of a virus that kills people. One of the two!

Trump soon changed the subject to how everything should open because we have a cure now — the treatment he got when he was sick with COVID-19, including Regeneron, which has not yet been approved for regular people and is still being tested. Of course, the treatment Trump got would cost a regular person $650,000, which we all surely have lying around.

At another point during the rally, Trump said that "under the Biden lockdown, the lights of Reno and Las Vegas were extinguished," which is super weird because we are pretty certain Biden was not actually the president this year or in charge of Nevada in any capacity.

He then claimed that Biden will turn Carson City into a ghost town, because of how seriously he will take COVID-19. Trump, however, will give the whole country more ghosts to contend with by continuing to take it as seriously as he has been taking it.

Another thing that Joe Biden — lifelong practicing Catholic Joe Biden — will supposedly be putting an end to? Christmas.

Under the Biden Lockdown, the Christmas season will be cancelled

And yet, Joe Biden is one of the Catholics who actually goes to Mass every week, not just on Easter, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Christmas (or who says they're gonna go to Midnight Mass on Christmas and then actually just falls asleep at 11 p.m. every year).

Trump said:

If he comes in, Carson City will become a ghost town and the Christmas season will be canceled.
Look, remember I said we're gonna bring back Christmas? Right? The name? Remember? We brought it back? Remember? I used to go around saying "We will bring ..." I saw these big department stores, you know, they thought it was politically correct. So they say, "Have a great season." I said, "I don't want to have a great season, I want to say "Merry Christmas," say "Merry Christmas."

Now they're all saying "Merry Christmas."

Well that is certainly an entirely unprovable and most likely incorrect statement. Retail is an even tougher business than usual this year, and stores probably aren't gonna be out to alienate their non-Christian customers. Also even if Biden wins the election, he will not be president during Christmas of this year.

But I guess Trump's people believe anything he says, and Trump has been baselessly and nonsensically claiming for a while now that Joe Biden, Practicing Catholic, is going to hurt God somehow if he wins, so it doesn't really matter.

Plus even if it's not true (it's not true), they do always enjoy a nice opportunity to be shitty to retail workers. So there's that.

All of this is totally normal.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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