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Can Democrats and presumptive nominee Joe Biden start doing their own daily briefing to rebut this bullshit? Because if you're gonna be freaked that 55 percent of Americans approve of the job Donald Trump is doing handling coronavirus, then you kinda need to be out there saying WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TESTS AND THE MASKS AND THE VENTILATORS AND THE FUCKING GODDAMNED PLAN WHERE IS THE FUCKING GODDAMNED PLAN?

We are just saying.

'Nother bullshit White House corona-presser today. Dr. Anthony Fauci was back, so that was good. Tax Day is officially moved to July 15, but if you're getting a refund, go ahead and file anyway if you want.

Trump announced that he has so invoked the Defense Production Act, to conscript American industry to manufacture masks and the like, and claimed that nobody had ever done that before. (It's been invoked a thousand times.)

But wait, to be clear, asked a reporter, has he ordered companies to make ventilators and masks? Yes, a lot of them, he said. Which ones? He'd name them but then he'd have to kill them. Anyway, General Motors, he said. (Maybe not so much.)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced that the US and Mexico are closing the border to nonessential travel, and DHS chief Alex Azar did allllll the ass-licking about how Trump has been working on coronavirus since the very beginning, with BOLD ACTIONS, and that is why America is doing so great right now. (Over 15,000 confirmed cases in the US now with numbers climbing exponentially, which is a bullshit number because America's testing regime is bullshit.)

Because Trump is a xenophobic racist asshole, today's official theme was deporting Chinese Coronavirus Mexicans back to their home countries. Azar talked about the "illegal aliens" giving coronavirus to the poor put-upon border agents, who are definitely the object of America's deepest sympathy right now.

Look at this fucking pig:

Dr. Deborah Birx (one of the non-liars) announced that in Italy, they're finding that mortality for males is twice that of females, but noted that while many youngs are getting sick, mortality is still mostly happening among olds. She did not say any racist things about the border or the "Chinese virus" because she doesn't do that, because she is not a pig-swilling racist. Same for Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Oh yeah, and Mike Pence said some lies about how everything was awesome with the government's efforts to get ventilators and masks and testing, licking Trump's ass the whole way. Hey, did y'all hear hospitals are putting out sewing patterns, should your Nana have some time during quarantine to crochet a couple of mask doilies for healthcare workers who need them? Sewing patterns. Dunno why we felt like mentioning that just then.

Anyway, here was the BIG MOMENT of the briefing. Don't worry, it wasn't Chanel Rion again.


THE BIG NON-CHANEL RION MOMENT!

The moment of the briefing — the MOMENT! — came when NBC News's Peter Alexander asked Trump what he would say to millions of Americans who are scared right now. Trump's answer was "I SAY YOU'RE A TERRIBLE REPORTER!"

No really.

ALEXANDER: What do you say to Americans who are scared, though? I guess, nearly 200 dead, 14,000 who are sick, millions, as you witnessed, who are scared right now. What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now who are scared?

TRUMP: I say that you're a terrible reporter, that's what I say. I think it's a very nasty question, and I think it's a very bad signal that you're putting out to the American people.

Trump also whined that he calls NBC News parent company Comcast "CON-CAST," because he is clever at nicknames, and added that "I've been right A LOT! You oughta be ashamed of yourself." He is such a comforting presence. (When Alexander asked Mike Pence the same question later, the answer was refreshingly normal, yes, we are saying that about Mike Fucking Pence, because that's how things are now.)

The reason this came up is because Trump the conman was again blowing smoke up everybody's asses about how he just really, according to his science brain, thinks this one medicine used to treat malaria is going to be just great for fighting coronavirus. He's a big fan of those "treatments," which do not currently exist.

Meanwhile, Dr. Fauci had been answering actual science questions about whether the drug, chloroquine, could be used as a prophylaxis for coronavirus. In short, Fauci pissed on it, saying all results related to that drug are anecdotal. Trump horned in to say actually he feels very #ScienceGood about it, GONNA BE AWESOME. That's what led Peter Alexander to ask if Trump was being overly optimistic and trying to put lipstick on this anal rash, and if that was hurting people by giving them false hope. And it made Trump MAD.

It was kind of remarkable, actually, how Fauci kept having to correct Trump to his face, while pretending he wasn't. Fauci would say a science, and Trump would say "I feel good about it. It's just a feeling. SMART GUY!" (Referring to himself, of course. And OF COURSE it's an actual quote.)

Another reporter asked again, should Americans have hope in this drug? Fauci said it's fine for Trump to be optimistic, because optimism is a feeling, and everybody has feelings, just like everybody poops. But "AS A SCIENTIST," Dr. Fauci just needs you to know that we have to do this the science way, Jesus fuck. "I like to prove things first," said the scientist.

Good Presser. The End, Right?

What? You don't want to hear the rest?

Donald Trump called the State Department the "Deep State Department," and Dr. Fauci did this on camera:

Mike Pompeo bitched about how Americans need to be listening to "reliable" sources of information on coronavirus. You know, like the Trump administration.

Sean Spicer asked a question for some reason. He appeared to have forgotten all his big boy business clothes, so he borrowed a blazer Sarah Huckabee Sanders left behind or something.

Here is Trump calling on Spicer like that is totally normal and Spicer is a reporter, as opposed to a glorified White House intern:

Spicer's question was about all the Republican senators selling off their stock while telling Americans something totally different about the dangers of novel coronavirus. Trump responded by saying DIANNE FEINSTEIN ALSO DIANNE FEINSTEIN! (Not really Dianne Feinstein.)

Trump said he's still not interested in doing a national lockdown, but here's why. He says it's because people in the Midwest are just "watching it on television," but they "don't have the same problems" as other places, so congratulations, Midwesterners, Trump just gave y'all the all-clear for a weekend of ridin' the old Butter Cow, or whatever y'all do on weekends. (The governor of Illinois just issued a shelter-in-place order statewide.)

Finally, Dr. Fauci talked about testing, and we've gotta say, he's not quite saying what a lot of the other experts are saying, which disturbs us and makes us worry his message is being skull-fucked by the Trump administration. A lot of people are saying we ABSOLUTELY need to be going to more universal testing, in order to track where the hell the virus actually is. (Y'all remember how many people South Korea tested? Hell, a private thermometer company is doing better than the US government right now, tracking where in America people might be coming down with weird-ass fevers. Florida, you're lookin' FUCKED.) Fauci isn't saying we should never do such broad testing, but he's just way more concerned with people doing their social distancing, yadda yadda.

Meanwhile, Trump horned into say it's actually bad to get tested if you feel fine, and you can file that in your knowledge bank, because of how Trump is the expert of science.

Awesome. The End, Right?

Yeah, we guess.

Hey look, stock market!

Awesome.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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