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Kellyanne, it's time to get your game face on, girl! President Sundown Syndrome just held a press conference to brag about Mueller's conclusion that the president committed "essentially no obstruction." (Not actually Mueller's conclusion, as he rather famously didn't make one.) "Essentially no obstruction" is an odd turn of phrase, so we fully expect to see Mrs. Conway on all the programs splaining that there is a five-count minimum for an obstruction of justice prosecution, and anyone who says otherwise is FAKE NEWS.

No collusion, and essentially no obstruction. Of course a lot of people say, "How can you obstruct when there was no crime? When there was no collusion, how can you possibly obstruct?"

NO. Literally no legitimate legal "people" say that you can't obstruct an investigation if the underlying crime is never prosecuted. Here are 800 former federal prosecutors who say the exact opposite. But more to the point, did Donald Trump just confess to obstruction of justice? A soupçon? A smidge? Some light treason?

He's just like the Menendez brothers, who committed essentially no murders.

Or OJ, who led essentially no slow-motion car chases in a white Ford Bronco.

Or Aldrich Ames, who committed essentially no spying.

Or John Wilkes Booth, who essentially never assassinated a president.

Or Benedict Arnold, who was essentially trustworthy and loyal.

We had been led to believe that the Mueller Report was a full exoneration of the president and his family, who cooperated fully with the investigation. But in light of Mr. Trump's remarks, we just went back to give it a closer look, and HOLY HELL. It turns out Donald Trump may have essentially obstructed justice on multiple occasions. Tell us, Lawfare!

  1. Trump tried to end the FBI investigation of Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI about his conversations with the Russian ambassador.
  2. Trump fired Comey and then confessed to both the Russian ambassador and Lester Holt that it was because of the Russia investigation.
  3. Trump attempted on multiple occasions to get his staff to fire Robert Mueller or limit his investigation to prospective Russian interference.
  4. Trump tried to get Jeff Sessions to un-recuse himself and drop the hammer on Robert Mueller.
  5. Trump dangled pardons to influence the testimony of Flynn, Cohen, and Manafort.
  6. Trump tried desperately to hide the substance of the Trump Tower meeting with allll the Russians.

You know, ESSENTIALLY NOTHING AT ALL. It almost seems like Attorney General Bill Barr was essentially engaged in a massive coverup when he went out there and pretended that the Mueller Report was a bigly win for the president. Must be nice to be able to essentially confess to a crime and have your GOP bros in congress pretend it never happened so it barely makes a ripple in the news cycle.

We are fucked. Essentially.

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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