The Pickle Jar Truthers are with us still, determined to prove that, despite her apparent mobility and ability to mop the floor with Donald Trump's hair at Monday's presidential debate, Hillary Clinton is fact mere heartbeats away from falling apart into a pile of gelatinous goo. On a very special post-debate edition of Alex Jones's InfoWars conspirapalooza, Jones, David Knight, and Roger Stone, the third-tier Nixonian dirty trickster who wishes he was as smart or cool as G. Gordon Liddy (a low bar indeed), went over the evidence of Hillary Clinton's impending Total Systems Failure. And Stone gave us the straight dope from a super-secret contact in the Secret Service!


David Knight: I noticed that she was very careful to always look to her left. It seemed like when she had these problems with the eye divergence that she was always looking to the right. And when she would turn to the right, she would turn her whole body to address Donald Trump. So, it's interesting -- she made it through, she didn't get into a coughing fit, she didn't collapse, but she did leave immediately after.

Alex Jones: I'll give her that. She’s alive. She can walk. It’s alive!

Knight: That’s a big win that she didn’t fall down. How’s that for a low bar.

And yet not a single word about Donald Trump's persistent sniffles? These guys aren't very observant at all! We are impressed by their mastery of medical knowledge -- when Clinton turned to speak to Trump, to her right, she actually turned her body...clearly her head don't work right! Ah, but there was more:

Roger Stone: Well, David Knight, the best dressed man in all of Austin, Texas, I think you hit it right on the head. Of course she left, they had to get her on an oxygen tank off stage as soon as they could.

We can hardly wait for the inevitable flood of sharp-eyed Jones fans who'll now start posting photos to Twitter of anything even slightly cylindrical within a hundred feet of Hillary Clinton. That's it!

Jones: Roger, what do you make of the Secret Service? You were there for part of this that came to us [unintelligible] big info about her health five weeks ago in Cleveland and three weeks later they gave it to us and she’s falling down and we got it on video. I mean, what do you make of that? Do you have any intel on what’s wrong with her? Because Secret Service doesn’t know, they just said she has convulsions all the time. Any word on what’s going on with Hillary?

Stone: I spoke to a Secret Service agent today by phone who does not want to be identified who tells me that he is virtually certain she has some advanced form of epilepsy. I don’t know, I’m not a medical doctor. But I am intelligent enough to know that she is not well and Trump is exactly right she lacks the stamina or the mental acuity or the balance to be president of the United States.

Yr Wonkette is not a medical doctor either, but we were at least able to check the Mayo Clinic's website, and those tools of Big Pharma don't seem to think an oxygen tank is a necessary part of treating epilepsy! But we are probably missing the point -- Hillary Clinton is nine million kinds of sick, and so she needs the oxygen for something else, probably just to keep her alive long enough to get her from the debate stage to her National Enquirer Ambulance Van. Maybe all she really needs is a good dose of Alex Jones's patented all-natural Trucker Speed.

[Media Matters]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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