Trump Crowns Himself New Winston Churchill At Michigan Superspreader Jamboree

2020 presidential election

Holy Adderall, Batman! Trump went to Michigan last night for another superspreader rally, and it was HOOBOY! By the time we get to November, he's going to be gnawing on the podium and shouting racial slurs.

Hell, we're halfway there now!

Trump started off his rant at MBS International Airport in Freeland by claiming to have "brought you a lot of car plants, Michigan."

"Long time, it's been a long time since you had all these plants being built," he blarped. "But we brought you a lot over the last three and a half years, and we're going to bring you a lot more."

Later he claimed to have singlehandedly bullied Japanese President Shinzo Abe into bringing five car companies to Michigan.

I went to Prime Minister Abe of Japan. I say, "Prime Minister, you have to start doing something." He's a great guy. He'll be retiring soon. He's a great guy, the prime minister of Japan, Abe. I say, "Shinzō, Shinzō, you have to do me a favor. You've got to send car plants over here. You're sending all those cars. We stupidly don't-

You're sending all those cars. We stupidly don't charge you tariffs on those cars that pour into our country. I said, "Shinzo, you got to give us plants." "No, no, no, I can't do that. That is up to the free enterprise system of Japan." I say, "Shinzo, you're a powerful man. You can do it." "Oh, I can't do it." The next day they announced five car companies are coming to Michigan.

The Freep has an in-depth factcheck on this one, but, long story short: NO. WTF?


Anyway, uh, "On November 3rd, Michigan, you better vote for me. I got you so many damn car plants."

Then it was on to a rapid-fire fusillade of lies.

Not only does Joe Biden want to eliminate your jobs, he wants to eliminate your borders. He's promised to flood your state with refugees. You know that as well as I do. You see it all the time. From terrorist hotspots around the world, including Syria, Somalia, and Yemen, Biden's pledged to have a 700% increase. He made this deal with crazy Bernie, a 700% increase in the flow of refugees. So, he wants to lift it up by 700%. This is in their manifesto.

He's also pledged to terminate all national security travel bans, overwhelming your state with poorly vetted migrants from jihadist regions. Making matters worse, he would open the flood gates in the middle of a pandemic. By the way, the wall, it's over 311 miles long right now doing very well.

No, Biden doesn't support "open borders." Trump cut immigration from 130,000 per year to 18,000. Biden wants to go back to status quo ante, including repeal of Trump's racist travel bans. The US State Department is perfectly capable of vetting refugees. Although pointing to jihadists just hours after Trump himself said at a White House press conference that "We're getting along very, very well with the Taliban" is a nice touch, particularly on the eve of September 11. Oh, and the sum total of new border wall constructed by Trump is a whopping five miles. But go off, dude.

Ummm, does anyone know what these words mean?

Biden is waging war against the American middle class. I think most of you are not middle class. You're upper class. You're the elite. You know the way they talk about the elite, the elite, they're really elite. I see them. They're not elite. You're the elite. The elite has decided. Boy, have we hurt the elite, haven't we now? You're the super elite.

Drink!

Then it was on to calling Biden a senile old dotard who is simultaneously the General of Antifa, before blaming Michigan's popular Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for the Big Ten's decision to postpone the college football season.

"We want a governor, John James, that's going to let Michigan play Big Ten football this year," Trump shouted.

John James is running for Senate.

Then it was time for some good old red meat racism with some extremely realistic marital dialogue.

Look at what I've done for your suburbs. You know what I've done. You know what I've done. Does anybody want to have somebody from Antifa as a member and as a resident of your suburb? I don't think so too much. "Say, Darling, who moved in next door?" "Oh, it's a resident of Antifa." "No, thank you. Let's get out of here. Let's get the hell out of here, darling. Let's leave our suburbs. I wish Trump were president. He wouldn't have allowed that to happen." And that's exactly right, I won't allow it to happen.

LOL, okay. As a married person who actually talks to her spouse every day, can report the dialogue would go more like this:

Wife: We got new neighbors.

Husband: No shit. Wait 'til they start digging and find the people that sold them that house buried every pet they ever had in the yard.

Wife: Right? It's like Stephen King over there. Anyway, I hear they're in antifa.

Husband: Oh, yeah? Bet they can get great weed. See if they want to come for a beer or whatever.

Wife: Jesus, you have no chill! Well, thank God they're not Trumpers anyway.

Six months ago, Trump nixed a rule that conditioned Housing and Urban Development funds on recipients demonstrating that they weren't being used to perpetuate segregation. The suburbs were doing just fine six months ago, and yet Trump once again crowns himself suburban savior for preventing a return to the "radical" status quo ante.

And then a bizarre endorsement of sorts for John James, who lost Michigan's Senate race to Debbie Stabenow in 2018, and is back for another try against Gary Peters this cycle.

Remember this, we're the party of Abraham Lincoln. A lot of people forget that. Honestly. Remember when they used to say, "he doesn't act presidential"? And I used to say, "It's so easy to be presidential." I'd only have about 10 or 15 people here. You'd be bored. But remember I used to do that? But I'd always say, "I can be more presidential than any president in our history, except for the possibility of Abraham Lincoln when he wears his hat." Tough to beat. That's tough to beat, John James.

Translation: Hey, did you guys notice this dude is Black?

Anyway, James lost to Stabenow, whom Trump does recognize — "I can tell by her hair. She's got interesting hair." — but he would have won "if he had more support from the Republican Party." This time James is up against Gary Peters, whom Trump can't pick out of a lineup because his hair is normal. And when Trump first saw John James on TV, he shouted, "Who was that?" and the aide said "I don't know, sir." Because the aide is respectful! And Trump said, "Play it back. That man is going to be a star!" Luckily "with the wonderful invention of TiVo, one of the greats, you can play it back," and that's how John James got his start in politics.

"I endorsed him and he went like a rocket ship!" Trump boasted of James's seven-point loss. Then Trump told James he was a shoo-in for a House seat, or he could run against some guy no one ever heard of for Senate. And James said, "Sir, I can do more in the Senate than I can do in the House." You can tell this actually happened because of the "sir."

So vote for John James because "He loves our country. He's been educated at the highest level. He was always the top at everything he's ever done. And this is what he has." Take it from Michigan's former man of the year. (He's trying to murder Daniel Dale.)

Then Trump compared himself to Winston Churchill. Because Trump wanted to "play down" the dangers of coronavirus the way Churchill played down the dangers of WWII. For real, you guys!

We're doing very well. As the British government advised the British people in the face of World War II, "Keep calm and carry on." That's what I did. This wackjob that wrote the book, he said, "Well, Trump knew a little bit." They wanted me to come out and scream, "People are dying, we're dying." No, no, we did it just the right way. We have to be calm. We don't want to be crazed lunatics. We have to lead.

When Hitler was bombing, I don't know if you know this, when Hitler was bombing London, Churchill, great leader, would oftentimes go to a roof in London and speak, and he always spoke with calmness. He said, "We have to show calmness." No, we did it the right way and we've done a job like nobody.

"We've done a job like nobody"? Mmm, yes, credit where due. As to the rest, it makes complete sense, really. Who can forget when Churchill said, "Don't worry about the Nazis, they'll go away in the spring when the weather gets warm." Or "With the blackout curtains, it's going to be really a voluntary thing. You can do it, you don't have to do it. I'm choosing not to do it, but some people may want to do it and that's okay."

"We shall defend our island, unless it starts to affect the stock market," said Ol' Winston. "We shall fight on the golf courses, we shall fight in the hotels, we shall fight in all the Trump properties in the land, but we shall stay away from the windmills because of the cancer. We shall never surrender, unless it gets too hard, in which case we shall declare victory and send the kids back to school."

Apt analogy!

AHEM.

[Transcript via Rev.com]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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