'Dang, Donald, it's really hard to get a good hold on your tiny little hand!' 'Shut up, Jesus.'

If you want to celebrate the National Day of Patriotic Devotion officially proclaimed by Mad President Snapcase, you'll need a time machine: The proclamation applied to Friday, the day of Donald Trump's inauguration, but was only published in the Federal Register, making it official, on Monday. That's OK, if you joined us here at Wonkette for the inauguration livebloog, you probably observed the National Day of Patriotic Devotion with heavy day-drinking, the same as you celebrate every holiday. But let's take a close look at what we were all drunkenly celebrating, even if we didn't know it!

The proclamation was probably written by Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, who also reputedly perpetrated Trump's "self-written" inaugural speech, because there's no way in the world Donald Trump would pull off sentences with even this level of complexity:

A new national pride stirs the American soul and inspires the American heart. We are one people, united by a common destiny and a shared purpose.

Freedom is the birthright of all Americans, and to preserve that freedom we must maintain faith in our sacred values and heritage.

Our Constitution is written on parchment, but it lives in the hearts of the American people. There is no freedom where the people do not believe in it; no law where the people do not follow it; and no peace where the people do not pray for it.

There are no greater people than the American citizenry, and as long as we believe in ourselves, and our country, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim January 20, 2017, as National Day of Patriotic Devotion, in order to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country -- and to renew the duties of Government to the people.

We especially like the line about how peace is impossible without prayer. Must explain why all those Scandinavian socialist countries that are full of atheists are constantly at war with each other, while the most religiously devoted spots in the Middle East and Africa are such oases of faith and peace. Or will be, once the unbelievers are put to the sword.

As the Atlantic points out, that stuff about American community doesn't sound like Trump, who usually focuses on himself and what he can do to make America great again, because he makes the best deals. All that patriotic devotion boilerplate sounds like pure Bannon jingoism, with the sacred values and heritage and purity of essence. Or you might prefer The Guardian's take, which compares the rhetoric to that of North Korea, and reminds us Trump really wanted tanks and missile launchers in his inaugural parade. Trump is the state and the state is Trump. You have a problem with that? Why do you hate America?

Now, if Trump had written the thing himself, it would have been dictated, and would sound like this:

America! It's the best, am I right? And what makes us the best? Our people! Except for the dishonest media. There's nobody more dishonest than our media. I can't believe the lies they get away with.

And freedom! I love freedom! America's the only place you can really be free. If you don't believe that, you can get the hell out.

Can you believe what a great Constitution we have? It's the best! I love the Constitution, big-league. Other countries wish they had a Constitution like ours, but ours is the best. I have a copy of it given to me by a great American, Mad Dog Mattis, the best general since Patton. Now George Patton, there was a guy who loved his country. But you know who doesn't love America? The failing New York Times. How they're even still in business I don't even know. It's because they lie, and a lot of people believe their lies. Not any more. On Day One, that ends.

And we're gonna build a beautiful wall to keep America for Americans. And Mexico's gonna pay for it. Don't get me wrong, I love the Mexican people, but they're killing us. We don't win anymore. With Trump, you're going to win again.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, I still love the sound of that, don't you? "Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America." They said we couldn't do it, but we showed them. [fifteen minute recap of Republican primary and election night redacted] Anyway, I proclaim this day, January 20, 2017, a National Day of Patriotic Devotion. Even for the Crooked media, but they better watch themselves.

And then we'll take their oil. We should have kept the oil.

[Federal Register / Atlantic / Guardian]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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