TRUMP DECLASSIFYING DOCUMENTS IN HIS BRAIN RIGHT NOW, CAN YOU TELL? IT IS THIS FACE HE MAKES!

'HEEEEEEINGHGHGGHGHGHGHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF!!!!'

Donald Trump went and visited his favorite son Sean Hannity last night, because he doesn't have "lawyer" in his employ with the power to make him shut the fuck up. And we are not going to spend a lot of time on this interview. But there's one clip we want you to see.

It's not that Trump babbles anything new here. It's just that, as his life gets worse and worse every day, his brain is obviously decomposing faster and faster. Our featured video is Trump explaining that all he has to do to declassify documents is think of them. Whether he grunts real hard and loud, like he's doing a declassifying in his pants, or if it's silent, like a Big Mac fart that smokes Melania out of the entire residential quarters.

It doesn't matter. It is part of the powers of the presidency, to be able to declassify things with your mind. As long as he is thinking about documents, they are declassified.



Rough transcript, there may be errors:

TRUMP: I declassified it all, there's no process, I just declassify with my brain like BING BONG! I just take the documents furniture shopping and they let me do whatever I want, declassify the documents by the pussy, they let me do it because I'm a celebrity, I take it to Mar-a-Lago, I declassified everything, the National Archives are radical leftists, the National Archives took all the documents, and when the FBI came to Mar-a-Lago were they there trying to find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails? Did they think I had them? Were they looking for the proof that they spied on Trump, because my brain is broken and I talk about myself in the third person like a man who should be in a hospital? They probably thought that! The FBI thought I had the emails! The FBI thought I had the Russia, Russia, Russia stuff! The spying! They spied on my campaign!

Again, there may be errors. We were just typing so fast, you see. We feel we captured the spirit, at least.

Like we said, he's babbled this stuff before. His addled brain just recycles things and puts them in different orders. He's been babbling about how maybe the FBI came to Mar-a-Lago to find Hillary's emails. We've been hearing this garbled word salad about declassification since the beginning, though that's obviously something his lawyers won't argue in court because they don't want to be disbarred. (The Eleventh Circuit: LOL.)

Want a bonus clip?

Here is Trump trying to say the FBI planted evidence on him, at which point even Sean Hannity is like "wouldn't that be on videotape" and Trump is like "no, I don't think so, they were in a room." To review: Trump doesn't think there's videotape of the FBI planting documents on him, documents that he also declassified with his brain.



Did we mention the sniffing? Loooottta sniffing.

Also he says he thinks the FBI stole his will, and Sean Hannity is like DURRR DURRR AM I IN IT?

And of course there was lots and lots of babbling about the New York attorney general and the lawsuit that's about to fuck his entire family into oblivion.

And if you want more highlights, there's Aaron Rupar and there's Acyn Torabi.

But our fake transcript up there, it is already the best thing you will read on the entire internet about this interview, so we are not sure why you would go to other websites.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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