How Sweet Of Dear Leader Trump To Make Kim Jong-Un A Mixtape!
Remember how bad Donald Trump fucked up that whole North Korea summit? Remember how Trump believed every damn word Kim Jong-un said to him and called Kim "very honorable"? Remember how we just learned THIS WEEK that, despite Kim's very serious assurances to Trump that WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE North Korea was super-serious about this whole denuclearization thing, Kim's regime has actually been accelerating its nuclear program?
You'll be glad to know that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is on the case, and he brought an Elton John CD with him to North Korea this week to sweeten the Art Of The Deal.
It's not that Pompeo is a complete idiot about this. According to the New York Times, he's told people privately that this whole process was a dead end from the very beginning. It's just that Donald Trump really wants Kim to have this one Elton John CD. It is the one with "Rocket Man" on it! Does Kim Jong-un know that song? It is the best, yoogest song! It is why Trump calls Kim "Rocket Man" on Twitter! Trump will send him a copy of the best Elton John CD with the most tremendous "Rocket Man" song, and Trump will sign the CD for Kim, because signing shit created by other people is totally normal. (It is also totally normal for the president to sign pictures of people killed by immigrants and give the autographed pictures back to their loved ones. Wait, no it's not.)
Reportedly, Trump also wrote Kim a love note of some sort. We bet it is very sexxxy.
The AV Club notices something we have also noticed, and it is that Trump seems, like, really into Elton John right now. At his fuck-bonkers rally on Thursday night in Montana, Trump spoke about Elton John, who has many records, but not as many records as Donald Trump, because while Trump may not play the "organ" (piano) like Elton John does, he has a better "musical," which is his Good Mouth, and it is the official mouth of breaking Elton John records. Also, BRAIN:
I have broken more Elton John records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don't have a musical instrument. I don't have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No we've broken a lot of records. We've broken virtually every record. Because you know, look, I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey and all of the sports, they need a lot of room. We don't need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really we do it without like, the musical instruments. This is the only musical: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth. Right? The brain, more important than the mouth, is the brain. The brain is much more important.
THIS IS THE ONLY MUSICAL: THE MOUTH.
Maybe that is the text of the letter Trump sent to Kim.
In response to this very important news about Donald Trump signing Elton John CDs and sending them to Kim Jong-un, Senator Tim Kaine (D-Dad Jokes) actually made a pretty good funny on Twitter:
It's funny because the president wouldn't get it.
We think this is a better song to dedicate to the president:
GET IT? IT IS ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION OR THE END OF THE ROBERT MUELLER INVESTIGATION, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST!
Pffffffffft, you don't get it.
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