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It's a big week for Donald Trump! That's right, the midterm elections are happening, and those are either going to go well for Trump (if Russians and voter suppression and gerrymandering win the night) or they will go well for Democrats (if America wins the night). But regardless, after the midterms are over, Trump gets to do YOU'RE FIRED to everybody that ever hurt his fragile feelings! Hooray!

We've known for a while that some shake-ups were probably coming -- for instance, Jeff Sessions, he is getting fired so Trump can try to get somebody to murder the Russia investigation for him. But the Washington Post has new reporting about who else is likely to get shitcanned -- that is, if Trump grows a pair and learns to shitcan people all by himself. Otherwise we'll be seeing reporting about how nobody got fired because Trump couldn't get anybody to do his dirty work for him.


Let's run through a quick tally of who WaPo says might get the axe:

  • Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who "may leave amid a mutual recognition" that she hates Trump's ass and Trump hates her ass and yells at her all the time and calls her names in front of the whole class.
  • Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who oversees the Russia investigation FOR NOW because Jeff Sessions is recused. But they kissed and made up after that whole kerfuffle over whether Rosenstein made jokes about doing "wire tapps" or "the 25th Amendment" to Trump when he thought nobody was listening.
  • Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, because he is too sane, and quietly throws Trump's orders in the trashcan to prevent us from accidentally starting World War Three. Why aren't we bombing everything with a Space Force where transgender folk aren't allowed? Because Mattis. There's also that little thing about how Mattis has reportedly called Trump a giant fucking moron a couple few times. WaPo says Trump is too weak and sad to fire Mattis, though, and that Mattis probably won't resign either, so we guess maybe he gets to stay a while.
  • Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, because Boss Man ultimately does not like it when his underlings' grifty criminality interferes with his own grifty criminality.
  • Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, because maybe he has been dead this whole time anyway, not sure.
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who we guess is ready to get paid the big bucks for being the lying-est lyin' motherfuckin' liar ever to very occasionally brief the White House press corps.
  • Some assholes you never heard of, they are gonna quit-fire themselves.
  • Melania, citing "irreconcilable differences," JUST KIDDING LOL #JOKES.

That list is missing a name, and it is WHITHER JOHN KELLY? Oh yeah, Kelly has "promised" to stay until 2020,so maybe he won't get fired this week. (WaPo says, though, that if Kelly goes, Nielsen will probably go too.)

Of course, pretty much everybody in the Trump administration is an incompetent wretch (except ANONYMOUS, who is a very smart and talented boy or girl, you betcha), so it's not like we're sad if these people get fired. It's more that this White House can't attract good talent, so WaPo says people in the White House are scared these positions are just going to sit there unfilled, because not even illegal immigrants will be willing to take these particular jobs that Americans aren't willing to do. Additionally, when Trump fires people, it's usually because they are not committed to the Sparkle Motion of letting Trump be the god emperor he's always dreamed of being, so the replacements are, at all times, gross and sycophantic and worse than the people who came before.

Oh yeah, and there's that whole thing about how cleaning out the Justice Department is basically a slow-motion Saturday Night Massacre, but we're sure everything will be fine. We trust that Robert Mueller has set in motion everything he needs to set in motion so that prosecutions will proceed and everybody will go to jail, even if Trump decides to fire Jeff Sessions the second all the polls in America have closed tomorrow night.

We swear to God, all you Wonkers are really good voters, but we really need you to find five people apiece who aren't and make sure they vote like their lives depend on it, because honestly, they do, because if Trump goes on a firing spree, things are going to get WORSE before they get better. We really need a Congress in place that's actually willing to do its fucking job.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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