You Won't Believe This, But Trump's 'Fox & Friends' Interview Was BATFUCKING INSANE
President Unindicted Co-Conspirator would like to confess some more, please! Apparently when Trump sat down with Fox News's Ainsley Earhardt for his SUPER SEXCLUSIVE STATE-RUN "FOX & FRIENDS" INTERVIEW, he thought Earhardt was Lester Holt, because he just started confessin' shit about his conspiracy with Michael Cohen to pay off all the porn ladies to protect his electoral prospects.
What a goddamned idiot.
We don't even know where to start with this horseshit so ...
I, Donald Trump, am guilty as fuck, just like Michael Cohen said.
President @realDonaldTrump on what he knew regarding the Michael Cohen payments https://t.co/bUNI37VzTE— FOX & friends (@FOX & friends)1535019660.0
TRUMP: [Michael Cohen] pled to two counts that aren't a crime! [...] They weren't campaign finance!
FACTCHECK: Eat shit, asshole.
Anyway, Trump says he learned they weren't crimes from watching his stories. You know, Fox News.
Did Trump know about the porny payoffs?
TRUMP: Later on I knew!
LIE. Donald Trump is ON TAPE discussing the payment to Karen McDougal over a month before the election. Specifically how they needed to buy the rights to her story back from AMI's David Pecker, you know, just in case Pecker "gets hit by a truck" and is thus unable to keep the story under wraps before the election.
TRUMP: But you have to understand, Ainsley, what he did -- and they weren't taken out of campaign finance, that's a big thing. That's a much bigger thing. Did they come out of the campaign? They didn't come out of the campaign. They came from me!
AND THEREIN LIES THE CRIME! We have explained all of this. With Karen McDougal, the $150,000 in-kind and unreported campaign contribution originally came from AMI, which is run by Trump pal David Pecker (who is reportedly cooperating with investigators, HEY-O!). It was all part of a plan to keep stories about Trump's dick from interfering with the campaign, hatched by Cohen, Pecker, "one or more" members of the Trump campaign, and according to Cohen's guilty plea, Trump himself.
Cohen himself made the $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels, writing a check out of his fraudulently obtained home equity line of credit (HELOC), which he was later reimbursed for through fraudulent invoices sent to the Trump Organization. At which point unnamed "executives" directed the reimbursement installments be paid out of THE TRUST, i.e. the trust set up to hold Trump's assets while he was president, which is controlled by ... Uday and Qusay Trump!
What do all of these things have in common? They were ALL payments to benefit the campaign, but not reported as contributions. Of course they didn't write checks from the Trump campaign, since that's public information. Otherwise people would be like "Why is the Trump campaign spending all this money on porn stars, HUH?"
So yeah. Trump just confessed. Again.
How many more payoffs were there that we don't know about yet? Dunno, but we're going to guess it was ALL OF THEM KATIE. In Michael Wolff's Fire and Fury, Steve Bannon is quoted saying this:
Look, [former Trump lawyer Marc] Kasowitz has known [Trump] for twenty-five years. Kasowitz has gotten him out of all kinds of jams. [...] Kasowitz on the campaign — what did we have, a hundred women? Kasowitz took care of all of them.
ALL OF THEM.
In case you've been wondering why this case got kicked to the Southern District of New York, well, that's where Marc Kasowitz's legal shop is. So there's maybe one reason.
Trump said "campaign finance" many more times, because his brain was obviously in a loop, then he started saying "Obama":
TRUMP: If you look at President Obama, he had a massive campaign violation.
Fuck you, Donald. The Obama campaign missed a reporting deadline. And they got a huge fucking fine for it! They didn't secretly pay off porn stars in order to influence the presidential election. Big difference, champ.
TRUMP: But he had a different attorney general, and they seemed to view it a lot differently. You know, we have somebody that they seem to like to go after a lot of Republicans.
Yep, it's that fucking Democrat Jeff Sessions, always being such a Democrat. (There will be more shitting on Jeff Sessions later.)
Trump finished here by explaining that everybody commits crimes, and that Michael Cohen only confessed to those fake crimes because he got caught doing other bad things, which leads us to ...
Flipping should be illegal! It takes down everybody Trump has ever met! Deep State Flippers!
President @realDonaldTrump on former associates “flipping” on him to make deals https://t.co/gdIEF8kLuk— FOX & friends (@FOX & friends)1535019960.0
Donald Trump loves Paul Manafort because Paul Manafort is nice and didn't flip on Trump and that's why (hint hint!) Trump might pardon Paul Manafort, because everybody knows you don't flip on the crime boss. That's just impolite, and Trump values loyalty above all. Michael Cohen on the other hand ...
TRUMP: You know, they make up stories! People make up stories! This whole thing about "flipping," they call it. I know all about flipping.
TRUMP: For 30, 40 years, I've been watching FLIPPERS.
Nice company you keep.
TRUMP: It almost oughta be outlawed. It's Not FAIR!
President of the United States, y'all. Wants one of the most common methods used to successfully investigate crimes to be outlawed because IT'S NOT FAIR!
And how did the president learn this?
TRUMP: Alan Dershowitz says ...
Oh go fuck yourself, and Alan Dershowitz can go fuck himself with his boyfriend Trump too. We don't know if Dershowitz is senile or he just plays a senile person on TV, but he's the one who's been filling Trump's mind with all this bullshit this week, even though if Dersh tried to pull this shit in court, the judge would probably call him up for a bench conference to just make sure he doesn't have a brain injury.
Since we mentioned it, let's talk about that pardon for POOR, POOR PAUL MANAFORT.
President @realDonaldTrump on if he would pardon Paul Manafort https://t.co/98QPG8AAUa— FOX & friends (@FOX & friends)1535020560.0
Know how we just talked about how all presidential campaigns do secret porn payoffs to porners, and how it is no big deal because everybody does it? Trump says Manafort was treated unfairly because everybody also does bank fraud and tax fraud and witness tampering and illegally works as a foreign agent for Russia and Ukraine, we guess, JUST FUCKING EVERYBODY.
TRUMP: Every consultant, every lobbyist in Washington probably does [what Manafort did]. Uh, if you look at Hillary Clinton's person [...] I mean look at the crimes Clinton did!
Blah blah blah bleached emails blah blah blah Peter Strzok blah blah blah Lisa Page blah blah blah John Podesta blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Can somebody put President Sundowner to bed? Because the sun went down between his crusty orange ears long fuckin' time ago.
Let's shit on Jeff Sessions some more, because that's always fun!
President @realDonaldTrump on if he would fire Attorney General Jeff Sessions https://t.co/MiG6z18mmt— FOX & friends (@FOX & friends)1535020860.0
After rambling about some conspiracy theory he heard on Fox News, Trump told the Fox News lady that the Justice Department is controlled by Democrats, and added:
TRUMP: I put in somebody who never took control of the Justice Department.
Later on, after rambling about more conspiracy theories he heard on Fox News, he took more shits on Jeff Sessions, and also rambled about some more conspiracy theories:
TRUMP: They surveiled my campaign!
WIRE TAPPS! OBAMA WIRE TAPPS!
TRUMP: I wanted to stay uninvolved. But when everybody sees what's going on in the Justice Department. I always put "Justice" now with quotes. It's a very, very sad day. Jeff Sessions recused himself, which he shouldn't have done. Or he should have told me! Even my enemies say that Jeff Sessions should've told you that he was going to recuse himself, and then you wouldn't have put him in.
Literally no one says that, you fucking trash bag.
TRUMP: He took the job, and then said "I'm going to recuse myself!" I said, "What kind of a man is THIS?"
One who follows the fucking law, despite his status as a white supremacist store brand version of a Keebler Elf.
TRUMP: And by the way, he was on the campaign!
Which is why he recused himself from the investigation into the campaign.
TRUMP: You know, the only reason I gave him the job, I felt loyalty ...
Maybe the president's career as a shitty failed bankrupt businessman didn't quite prepare him to hire the best people for his administration.
Trump concluded this section by saying NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, because that is one of the 50 English phrases he can still remember.
No impeach Trump! No impeach Trump! If you impeach Trump everybody will be poor and EVERYBODY WILL DIE!
“I don't know how you can impeach somebody who's done a great job. I tell you what, if I ever got impeached, I thin… https://t.co/vqwbQF7xeL— FOX & friends (@FOX & friends)1535026800.0
TRUMP: I guess it says something like "high crimes" and all ... I don't know how you can impeach somebody who's done a great job.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL literally the worst president in American history, according to Americans, but OK.
TRUMP: I'll tell you what, if I ever got impeached, I think the market would CRASH. I think everybody would be very poor. Because without this thinking ...
Here, Trump pointed at his head to let us know which thinking he was talking about, without which the market would crash and everybody would be very poor.
Trump concluded by saying if Hillary Clinton had been elected -- like, you know, if he hadn't stolen the election from her -- she would have the same yoooooge numbers Trump has, except for how they would be REVERSE yooooooooge. Then he told a bunch more lies about his record, but they were the boring kind of lies, and quite honestly, we could show you more "Fox & Friends" videos but we are now tired of Donald Trump's mouth, so put a fork in this post, it's cooked like a turkey from Mary Trump's hoo-ha.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please hit the tip jar below and make a donation of MONEY. Or click this link to become a monthly subscriber!