Trump Got Closer To The Barstool Sports Guy Than You’ve Been With Your Nana For Past Four Months

Trump

Donald Trump should consider not giving interviews. They don't go well because we can see and hear him. He keeps embarrassing himself, even in his safe space on Fox News. The president remains undaunted in his quest to make Americans like him, though, so he sat down Friday with Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy.

Before the interview, Trump gave Portnoy a quick tour of the Oval Office. Unfortunately, there were no fifth graders present to provide a more comprehensive account. The president just pointed at the Resolute Desk, where he normally sells Goya products, and said, “Many presidents have sat behind this desk." Factcheck: True! It was a gift from Queen Victoria to Rutherford B. Hayes. It was removed from the White House after John F. Kennedy's assassination but Jimmy Carter returned it to the Oval Office in 1977. It's unlikely Trump is aware of any of this.

Portnoy stated up front that he's “apolitical," which is what white guys like Joe Rogan or Homer Simpson say. They are fine with the status quo and only really get pissed off when marginalized groups challenge it. Portnoy also doesn't like Dr. Anthony Fauci because “whenever he says stay inside, my stocks tank." Science is not why your stocks are tanking, you moron. It's the unchecked pandemic.

What did this man of the people who's really concerned about his stock portfolio have to ask President Person Woman Man Camera TV?

PORTNOY: So, one of the things that I've been thinking about ... and for all the people like me because I think a good amount of the country is still like, “Which way am I gonna vote?"

That's not a “good amount of the country." It's roughly 13 percent of voters, according to some polls, and Joe Biden has a significant advantage among undecided voters. Trump would need to win over almost all of the remaining undecided, and more and more voters are ruling him out completely.


My Interview with Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports! www.youtube.com

Portnoy's first almost real question was to ask Trump, who has complained about all forms of peaceful protesting, what he considered an acceptable way to express "displeasure with the country."

TRUMP: Well, I mean you can always say you can run for office, right? You become successful, you can run for a lower office, you can do things.

That is the dumbest "Schoolhouse Rock" installment ever. The First Amendment applies to everyone, not just people who “run for office." There are only so many House seats. Besides, when members of marginalized groups do successfully run for office, they're treated like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley, who conservative assholes accuse of trying to “change" America, because God forbid you do that. That's commie talk.

TRUMP: But there are ways, you can get groups together and there can be friendly ways of doing it, very successful. You're gonna have rebounds, negative rebounds if it keeps up the way it is.

That's a threat wrapped in gibberish. It's also untrue. Most Americans support peaceful protests and don't approve of Trump's tyrannical response to them.

Trump insisted America was a post-racial utopia before China “sent us this virus." China didn't intentionally leave a flaming bag of COVID-19 on America's doorstep, and the coronavirus isn't why Derek Chauvin killed George Floyd or why the police fatally shot Breonna Taylor while she was sleeping.

President Criswell predicted that “numbers are going to be really great" just before the election. He's not talking about the number of American lives lost because of his administration's inept COVID-19 response. He's fixated on economic numbers, as if there is no pandemic and everything's going to be a party in November. Well, there'll probably be some virtual Return of the Jedi-style celebrations after Trump is soundly defeated.

TRUMP: George Washington would've had a hard time beating [COVID-19].

George Washington didn't have access to infectious disease experts, you simpering fool.

Portnoy ended the interview with a FaceTime call to his dad while he was huddled up with the president. When David Nakamura at the Washington Post pointed out how little social distancing was observed during the kissy-face interview, Portnoy said he was tested before entering the White House. There's a testing shortage in America, and absurd delays in testing. We don't have the resources to spare for Trump to pretend that his life is otherwise normal. (Also? Trump's national security advisor Robert O'Brien has the COVID. And that guy is with Trump a lot, so maybe Portnoy might want to get tested again, just for safesies.)

I think the few remaining undecided voters out there who had to watch their loved ones get married on Zoom will remember Trump's Let Them Eat Covid moment.

Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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